To not want this life?

[Lifeandlemons]

Firstly, apologies if this is long. Secondly, apologies for the pity fest. Have name changed for this and am aware that so many people have it worse than me. Maybe I'm after a kick up the bum?

Had my son three years ago, following four years of unexplained infertility we had IVF and were successful. We now suspect that he will be diagnosed with autism and I'm terrified for his future. He is currently non verbal and shows no awareness of other people or children really. He has been in and out of hospital with minor health issues since he's been born.

I lost a baby back in March nearing the end of the first trimester. I am massively grieving this loss and keep doing stupid things like walking through the baby aisles crying in supermarkets and buying things for my lost baby. I have a box of things all for them blankets, teddies, scan photos l, etc.

I am currently pregnant and suspect I have anxiety and expression.

Work is not going great. I used to be so good at my job but feel my priorities have shifted. I've been off work for nearly two weeks now with sciatica and am just so uncomfortable and feel so poorly. My attendance at work has been poor and I feel like I'm letting my team down so much- I am a senior manager in my profession.

I know I'm lucky. To have a job, a child and be pregnant but I am just drowning. What if my next child has autism too? What future does my son have? How do I get past grieving for a neuro-typical son and for the baby I lost?

Sorry if this is rambling.

I can't give any advice but didn't want to read & run. That's an awful lot to contend with, so be gentle on yourself. Your hormones must be all over the place so take things one day at a time. You are stronger than you think you are right now, but take all the help you can from people around you. Hugs and

You don’t get past it, that’s the truth. You gradually learn to live with it.

You’ll find there are at some point more days where you don’t cry about your baby than days that you do and you find enjoyment again in life. But the tears still come believe me and sometimes so unexpectedly and I’m the most random places.

It’s similar with Autism. Some days will be ok others you will be heartbroken. No two days are the same.
Try to surround yourself with support

Just. Give yourself a break. Hard row to hoe. Sorry dove. Don’t give up. Sending heaps of love to you. Xxxxxx

I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. I know the struggle of having a child with autism. Mine was non verbal basically until he was nearly four, he had speech and language therapy which his key worker at nursery helped us with. If you can get any help like that it is so helpful.

Also, before my son was diagnosed I was terrified - I thought I didn’t want a diagnosis because then there would be something wrong with him. Then we got the diagnosis, and he had all the same difficulties. The only difference was that now we could access some support. Honestly it lifted a weight off my shoulders in a way.