? Egg donor for 3rd child

[Countrybumpkin19]

Hi all
Would really appreciate your thoughts. I have 2 wonderful DDs and used to think my family was complete. Sadly 6 months ago my youngest was diagnosed with a likely life limiting condition (though she is currently healthy and hopefully will continue to be so for many years yet). We are obviously devastated by this diagnosis and are still coming to terms with it. Recently I have started thinking about a 3rd child. Partly because I could not bear for my eldest to be an only child in the future, partly because I want something positive and hopeful to focus on after the difficult 6 months we have had, but most importantly because I feel that a 3rd child would make a wonderful addition to our family. I also have friends who have recently had a 3rd child and am now feeling that all familiar biological instinct kick in. The complicating factor is that I would be worried about having a natural conception due to a 25% risk that any future child would inherit the same condition. I have thought about IVF with pre genetic diagnosis, but this appears to be v expensive with lowish chances of success in my age group (I am 38) - and even if we had a healthy embryo free of the condition they may still be a carrier. This has led me to consider IVF with a donor egg. I am not too concerned about the lack of a biological link to myself having already had 2 biological children, and the child would still have a genetic link to the family through my husband. We would also be honest with the child about their origins from the outset. Am I mad to consider this?

I'm very sorry about your daughters diagnosis. It must have been a very hard time for you.

Tbh, I think it's probably too soon after diagnosis to be thinking along these lines. Has the hospital / doctors offered any counselling or support to deal with the diagnosis?

You should ask to be referred for genetic counselling.

It may be that PGD is available to you on the NHS - though you'll have to check local rules (in my area, you wouldn't get it, because you already have one healthy child) en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Preimplantation_genetic_diagnosis but it can also be privately funded.

Sorry I've just reread your post and realised you've already considered PGD

I am inclined to agree that it is too soon after a significant diagnosis to be thinking about actioning this.

There are no guarantees about any siblings getting on in later life so I wouldn't give headspace to the idea you need to provide additional siblings for dc you already have.

It would be a significant shift in family dynamics having a dc who wasn't a full biological sibling and you can't be sure what the long term impact would be.

Having dc can be positive and hopeful but it can also be very stressful and difficult. There are no guarantees that another dc, even using a donor egg wouldn't have health or disability issues of some kind.

It may also be that your dc need the focus of your attention at present and you need time to work through your sadness and fear. Is having another dc a bit of a displacement activity?

You don't say how old your dc is or how aware they are of their health issues. There is a risk that either now or in future that it seems a little to them as though when you heard they were faulty you set about having another dc.
I'm not saying that this is the case at all, just that your child might think that.

What are your DH's views on this situation?

Having gone through IVF I would say it is a difficult and emotionally challenging experience. There is no certainty of success even with donor eggs. It is obviously also very expensive.

@Countrybumpkin19 I would do genetic testing own egg IVF first. If you’ve no fertility problems and had two children already it could work very well for you. At 38 you’re not too old to do this and be successful. Yes your child could be a carrier but they could also test to find this out. Many people are carriers for different things.

It’s not just about considering how you would feel but also how the child would feel being in a family where she is the only one not genetically linked to her mother and also knowing she has her biological mother out there and potential for half siblings she has never met and the complications that could bring. It’s not as straightforward as saying you would love the child end of story.

I'm really sorry about your daughter.

Have you read about egg donation? It's risky and unpleasant for the "donor" and often not done for altruistic reasons but because of financial or other pressure. It's not something I would want to be involved in.

I think going through the roller coaster of IVF and the learning curve of your child's condition at the same time could break your family in ways that would be more detrimental to your other child than being bereaved (which they would even with another sibling) in the future.

I'm so sorry to hear your news.

This is going to sound really blunt, and I know you're having a horrible time but I think you need to consider this.

I'm not sure I would want to be a child who was born as a replacement for the proper one.

I'm fairly certain I wouldn't want to be a child who knew her parents were getting on with replacing her with a less defective one as soon as they heard she was going to die.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

I'm really sorry about your daughter.

Have you read about egg donation? It's risky and unpleasant for the "donor" and often not done for altruistic reasons but because of financial or other pressure. It's not something I would want to be involved in.

That is not necessarily true at all. I don’t think that kind of rhetoric helps.

F

As someone who has done IVF both with my own eggs and donor eggs, then it’s an undertaking it itself. I think you need some time to let all of this sink in re your daughter and not make any kind of big decisions

IVFer here, genetic testing would be in line with, or maybe even cheaper, than donor eggs and a lot easier too. You could be looking in the region of £10k for a donor egg cycle. If it doesn’t matter which of you were genetically linked then maybe a sperm donor would be an easier (Emotionally and physically) and cheaper option. I have been an egg donor during my own IVF cycles and it was ridiculously difficult and disappointing. I got my DS (and I’m expecting twins now) but none of my donated eggs helped the 3 couples I donated to between failed fertilisation etc. I hate to think that they spent such a huge Amount of Money as well as invested so many emotions into the process to get nothing out of it.

That said, I’m not sure I could do it, use a donor after 2 full siblings. Genetic counselling as well as donor counselling is a must have. You’re fortunate to have two children already and to have a third who may not be genetically related may be surprisingly difficult to deal with.

Thank you all for your thoughtful messages. You are all right- it probably is too early to make this decision, though I feel like time isn't on my side if I decide to opt for PGD which adds to the pressure. I would like to add that the 3rd DC would in no way be a 'replacement child' as DC 2 is amazing and completely irreplaceable, though I can see how it could come across to others. Another complication is that DC2 has some mild (and seemingly unrelated) developmental delays, and it is still too early to say if she will catch up or whether these delays will get bigger as she gets older and whether she will require a lot of support. So that is a factor to consider too.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl that's really not necessarily true. I agree there are questionable practices abroad, however in the UK it's tightly regulated. My egg donor donated for altruistic reasons - she had completed her family, loved being a mum, and wanted to help a woman who couldn't have children of her own.

I think you're mad to consider this.

I’ve supported and sick child an DS gone through ivf. I could not have done the two at the same time in life.

I'm really sorry if this sounds harsh or blunt, but I'm with @merryhouse on this: if I was your DD hearing about your plans/musings, I'd feel exactly like this.
You've had (as a family) a terrible, unexpected shock, and to be honest if I were you I'd just focus on the people who are already here and already coping with enormous and life-changing news rather than seeking to add new, emotionally-burdened people to the mix.

I'm very sorry to hear about your DDs diagnosis but I have to admit I winced reading this. It's as though you're replacing her already. I'm sure that's not your intention but that's how it reads. Another child would take your attention away from her. If her care needs increase in the coming years you will be overstretched with a baby to look after too. I think it's madness personally.

Im very sorry about your DD, I'm sure you know her better than anyone and you wouldn't even be considering this if she thought for one moment that you were trying to replace her. I'd imagine that it would be quite exciting for her to be having a younger sibling. You may need a little more time to come to terms with your DDs diagnosis but surely you know what's best for your family more than anyone else.

From what I’ve read donor eggs carry their own risk - higher incidences of conditions such as Down’s syndrome and autism. I was quite shocked to read this recently and especially that they don’t really know why.

I think donor egg IVF can actually be more costly than PGD. Have you approached NHS clinics to see if funding is available? In my experience the private ones are all about extracting as much money from patients as they possibly can.