Really need some advice on my mum

[ilikeagoodsarnie]

I've posted here a couple of times about various things under a different name, I've been helped quite a lot so I'm hoping I can get a good bit of advice again 😊

I feel like my hands are tied at the minute with my own mum, no actually I've felt like this for a really long time.
I don't have a good relationship with my mum for various reasons; there's way too many to list but just to get an idea, she's not really been a mum, not very loving, quite overbearing, very vindictive, abusive but makes it so subtle you have to question yourself. There's so many things that she's done over the years that I can't let go of, they may seem little but it's been constant and I can't shake them. She never supported me going to uni, just screamed at me she couldn't afford it even though I explained she didn't have to pay a penny and I worked, she always told me she wished my cousin was her daughter and not me, she told me once I'd end up in a council house with kids from different men and the list goes on.

Her behaviour has changed now but to coming round my house and pointing out my dirty windows, dirty hob, dirty bin, needs a hoover, grass needs cutting ect... (baring in mind my house is clean 90% of the time) she doesn't exactly lead the cleanest lifestyle so not only does it piss me off she does this but she's a huge hypocrite. On top of that I've got a 7 month old and 2 step kids and I do pretty well keeping on top of the house, the kids, the dinners - just general mum stuff I suppose.

Basically she came round on Saturday because she was moaning she always has to leave when the SK are at our house - mainly because I don't want to subject them to her shitty behaviour - so I gave her the opportunity to spend the day with me and all the kids to see how it went. It was a fucking disaster to say the least, by the end of the day I was so angry with her and trying so hard not to shout at her because I didn't want to raise my voice infront if the kids I was almost in tears.
On top of this, she's supposed to be looking after the 7 month old in august and wasn't listening to anything I was telling her when it was coming to feeding and changing ect so I'm super worried about leaving him with her.

She messaged me when she got home saying that I needed to get a little patience so I said to her basically ive had enough of her criticising me about the same things over and over again to which she basically laughed at me and told me it's the only way she knows how to be a mum so I need to get over it.

I didn't message her back and she's been hounding me now for the past 3 days with random text messages, trying to call me. I do not want to speak to her because I'm so angry that she just ignores her behaviour and how she makes me feel because shes 'lonley'.

Ive tried to cut her off before but she just ended up hounding me, then my partner and then she appeared at my front door. The woman doesn't know what no means, I try and put boundaries in place but she just crashes through them because she doesn't give a shit. I've tried to actually speak to her to try and resolve the feelings and issues but she doesn't listen and then says I'm always on a defence which I am because I don't know want to let her in.

I just don't know what to do anymore, well I do but I don't know what I can do to get it into her head without being extremely rude.

I just basically need advice on that I suppose.
I apologise for the ramblings but there is so much I can't get it all out straight.

If anyone has any advice of suggestions it would be greatly appreciated!

I always think going no contact sounds very hard to actually do. In your situation I think I’d message her telling her that you have had it with her criticism and undermining behaviour. On that basis she isn’t welcome at your house for the foreseeable future and this isn’t up for debate.

I would agree to meet her somewhere neutral for coffee or a walk every so often but refuse to discuss your decision unless she offers a full and sincere apology. Learning to communicate effectively is so hard yet so important.

I definitely would not be leaving the baby with her. That’s simply a fight waiting to happen.

I don't know what I can do to get it into her head without being extremely rude.

Looks like it is time to be extremely rude, then.

There are lots of people on MN who have a lot of experience with going no contact with their abusive families. I really hope that someone will be along soon to help you.

I don't have any experience with this but don't give up. Put those boundaries up again. Hopefully with some new tactics you can learn here.

She sounds horrific and your and your children's lives will be much better without her. Remember, you have the upper hand. You need nothing from her.

You need to cut her out completely. Or be completely rude! If she's going to harass you no matter what then she's hardly got any moral high ground. Obviously don't leave your children in her care.

God yes I forgot. Do not ever ever, leave your baby with her! Arrange something else now!!

You tried telling your Mum what the problem was and she has said she isnt prepared to change. So its stalemate. She wants to carry on harassing you.
Your choices are to go no contact or accept thats how she is and tolerate it.

Going no contact means you enforce the boundary you set. You don't let them make decisions about it. Its not their boundary, its yours.

When they appear at your door, you don't let them in. When they try to contact you, you hang up the phone, block them on social media, block their e-mail.
You don't contact them. You don't ask them for childcare, or money, or arrange meetings.

You're going to need to find someone for childminding in August now.
Secondly my advice would be to get a new mobile phone and number and pop the one she is contacting you in a drawer so that you can check on it every so often to see if she is still trying to contact you and you can respond (or not) as you see fit.
You are going to have to tell her one last time that she is not to contact you, drop by or do anything to be involved as you've had enough and you are no longer going to put yourself or any of your children through whatever she thinks is her way.

I try and put boundaries in place but she just crashes through them because she doesn't give a shit

Boundaries are meaningless if you are not prepared to hold that boundary when it is crossed by your mum.

You make it clear to your mum that you will no longer tolerate her criticising you and you hold that boundary.

So, if she criticises you on the phone, you hang up. And you keep hanging up whenever she does it. If she criticises you by text, you block her from texting you. She criticises you in your own home, you ask her to leave. She continues criticising you in your own home, you tell her she is no longer welcome. She criticises you at another location, you leave.

Don’t try to reason with her or make her understand. She won’t. Don’t get drawn into lengthy conversations. A simple “I will no longer tolerate your criticism of me and will remove myself anytime it happens.” Hold your boundary.

There will be pushback from her. She may start hounding you again. Block her number. If she shows up at your door, either don’t answer it or you tell her her behaviour is unacceptable and ask her to leave.

And whatever you do, don’t leave your baby with her.

Do not leave your baby with this woman. You do not want her to do to your baby what she’s done to you. Find other childcare.

Thank you for your replies, I suppose I knew what the general answers would be.

My partner says I'm being too nice and I guess that's part of the guilt she puts on me each time I go to put my foot down.

I think I need to have a good think on what I want to say and how I want to say it, there's so much but there's no point waffling on to someone with closed ears.

Again, thank you it's really appreciated 😊