To try to stay out of friends’ argument.

[4seasons]

Few months ago two of my friends from a book club fell out. To be fair , one of them was very ill at the time and I suppose extra sensitive and snappy. An apology was made by the “ offending “ friend and I assumed all was well. I have tried to avoid getting dragged into the argument and reasons for it but the “ offender “ keeps bringing it up with me and I have since discovered she’s also rung another member of our group to tell her all about it. She rang me last night to invite me and my DH for coffee... ( it’s actually her birthday next week so I suspect it’s to remind us !) She spent most of the call carrying on about the upset which I thought had been sorted out. My DH is of the opinion that this is probably the first time anyone had actually taken her to task over her behaviour and also said that she contributed very little to our friendship group. All a bit blunt !Said he didn’t know why I was so bothered. I’m caught between 2 friends here.... don’t want to lose either . So , do I just avoid discussing it or try peacemaking ?

I'd just say you're staying out of it. The other friend doesn't have to accept the apology.

Maybe if she brings it up again just gently tell her you're sorry she is upset but it's awkward for you as you're friends with both so you'd rather not keep discussing it.

Oh god I can't bear people like this. I'm with your DH. I'd be distancing myself, and definitely stating that I don't feel comfortable discussing the issue (which is a nice way of telling her to fuck off about it).

Can't bear drama llamas.

She’s trying to make you pick a side to console herself that her behaviour was acceptable. You can be a good person who exhibits bad behaviour sometimes, so she really needs to try and file this away under ‘lessons learnt’ and move on.

Personally I would start with letting it be known that you don’t want to be involved. Then if she won’t let it drop I would tell her the truth about the situation and how you see it, even if it paints her in a bad light. Then I’d let the dust settle.

I love a bit of drama in a book group!

God how annoying, if she brings it up again say you’re not interested in taking sides and don’t want to keep talking about it.

You need to tell her that you don't want to listen to her badmouthing your other friend, that they are both your friends and it is not fair to put you in this position.

Try some unsubtle book recommendations...

Mistakes were made (but not by me)
The Power of Quiet

Perhaps a large hard back for you to hide behind.

Next time she says anything, simply say to her that you understand that it may have upset her, but X is also your friend so you don't want to take sides or get caught in the cross fire so would rather not discuss it. Rinse and replete if necessary

Was your other friend being over sensitive? Or was she out of order? Your husbands response suggests that it was about time someone stood up to this woman.

If that's the case, and she did treat the other friend badly (when she was ill!) I would be inclined to say that. But I can't stand by and watch injustices like that. I wouldn't want a fight but I would say something like "look, I don't agree with what you said either, but I'm not going g to make an issue of it. You've apologised, let's just all move on."

I feel if she is in the wrong and you just meekly say "I'm not getting involved" she will feel justified in saying what she did. She keeps going on about it because she thinks she can win you round to her way of thinking.

The argument was over something very minor but my friend was in hospital at the time feeling very ill and frightened. So , in a way I can understand why she responded in the way she did. Some of you have hit the nail on the head. The “ offender “ is used to everyone thinking she’s selfless and caring .... everything she tells people leads back to her being the heroine . I’ve got used to it over the years I suppose but now it’s as if it’s glaring at me. I don’t like myself feeling like this and have started to question myself. My other friend, who basically told her to get lost , has not mentioned the clash to anyone except me. I don’t like the fact that the “ offender “ has been discussing this with others and trying to sort of muster support for herself. If she hadn’t done this no one else would be any the wiser. Our group met up last week ( Covid safe !) and “ offender “ didn’t attend but sent a “ have a lovely time “ wattssap to all of us ( group Wattsapp). I get the feeling that this was again to “ muster support “ and get people asking questions. In fact no one mentioned it / her. I think I am just going to tell her straight that I don’t want to get involved when I see her next week. I am too old to be dragged into peoples’ games like this. It has left my stomach in a knot though and I couldn’t sleep last night after her phone call.

Everytime she raises it just say "oh I thought all this was done. Let's not talk about it any more" whether in person or in the WhatsApp group. Repeat ad infinitum.

The "offender" is clearly a manipulator. Time to stand up to her!

Be very very clear that this is not your argument, and that you don't want to discuss it

This happened to me. I ended up losing both.
I was clear that I wasn't involved, but they both stopped trusting me.
It's made me very sad