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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or should he have stayed home?

14 replies

NotreallyDA · 29/06/2021 08:13

I have a history of depression, and a few times I've felt really hopeless and terrible, to the point of wanting to call crisis line.

My AIBU is this. In the span of being with my partner (about 15 years), I've had depression on and off, but not always to the degree I described above. The 3-ish times I've felt like this and told him, he's told me he loves me and we'll get through this, and then he's gone off to work. He probably would stay home if I explicitly asked him to, but it hurts that he didn't offer.

Am I being unreasonable? My doctor has asked if I have a supportive partner a few times. Do I say yes or no?

It feels like he's always at work, even on about half the weekends, and working weekends is completely voluntary for him. What does a supportive partner look like exactly?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 29/06/2021 08:21

Sorry you’re feeling so down.
Depression can make you lose perspective and take things personally that aren’t meant that way. Presumably if you’re not working, one of you needs an income. I don’t think it’s necessarily unsupportive that your partner hasn’t taken time off.

You could talk to them about how much voluntary time they’re at work though.

The key question for me would be how does your partner treat you when they’re not at work?

Hope things start to improve for you.

Bigtruth · 29/06/2021 08:25

He's not in your head, he doesn't know the levels of your struggles and communication is absolutely key for that.

If you want him home, tell him so. Explain that you're low and scared and need him to be there for you.

Never put down to malice what can adequately be explained by "stupidity", and this isn't really stupid but not fully understanding.

Give him the benefit of the doubt and be clear of you need something, that way you'll know where you stand.

Good luck, things will feel more positive soon.

ivfgottwins · 29/06/2021 08:32

I think you are being unfair on your husband. If he doesn't know how bad it is for you at the moment why would he offer to stay home? And what would he do with/for you if he stayed home for a day? Is one day likely to make much of a difference for you? He can hardly stay home indefinitely/on multiple occasions surely?

PurpleyBlue · 29/06/2021 08:36

Have you asked him to stay home? My employer would probably let me in a crisis but it would be holiday leave.

PurpleyBlue · 29/06/2021 08:37

If you need to call the crisis line then please do so.

Paddingtonitspaddingtonbear · 29/06/2021 08:51

He can't read your mind Op.
You need to tell him. Big hugs.

Original poster

NotreallyDA · 29/06/2021 08:51

@PurpleDaisies

Sorry you’re feeling so down.

Depression can make you lose perspective and take things personally that aren’t meant that way. Presumably if you’re not working, one of you needs an income. I don’t think it’s necessarily unsupportive that your partner hasn’t taken time off. You could talk to them about how much voluntary time they’re at work though.

The key question for me would be how does your partner treat you when they’re not at work?

Hope things start to improve for you.

I do work, and both my partner and I have good sick leave packages. I'm not referring to a situation that happened yesterday, but lately I've not been feeling well and I'm not sure if it would even do me any good telling my partner about it. My GP is not exactly the most supportive either.

I didn't want to elaborate because I was thinking that might cause people to think I was at risk of immediate harm, but 2 years ago, the conversation went a little like this:

Me: 'I'm feeling suicidal.'

Him: 'Aw, baby, that sucks. I love you, see you tonight.'

Obviously that's abbreviated, but let's say I was pretty explicit about the situation. What i don't know is what I was supposed to expect there. I feel as though I'm always pretty alone.

OP posts:

3scape · 29/06/2021 08:59

If you are expressing suicidal thoughts then perhaps he doesn't know to take you to appropriate medical care. But, other than keeping him apprised of your mood as an adult it's a lot to expect him to basically take over, start making decisions.

If you need him or someone with you, which is a reasonable feeling with suicidal thoughts, then you need to express that. I know it's hard. But he cannot be raking over. You're still autonomous and very much in charge of you, you thinking it's because he doesn't care is your brain being negative, looking for negative patterns.
Asking for help is hard but someone imposing support would be controlling not as supportive as your brain is tell I g you.

Maybe, when you've reached out to gp or reassessed your support you can reflect on a system where you work out how to alert your support network that you're vulnerable. Good luck

3scape · 29/06/2021 09:00

To be honest it also sounds as though he's had suicidal thoughts of his own in the past but minimised them.

NotAllTheOnesWhoWanderAreLost · 29/06/2021 09:07

@NotreallyDA, you’ll find that on MN, the norm is that you are supposed to be fully independent, even when you are in your death bed.
People are never able to read your mind or guess that, if you say you are suicidal, then you clearly need some help from them.
And that people are struggling because they don’t know how to help so they go away and leave you to it. And that’s ok because… see first point.

In the RL, I think people react in a different way.
I would have expected them to offer to stay with you. I would have expected them to at least ask what sort of help you needed, basically to be interested in what is going on for you.

I think that being brushed off like this is actually quite hurtful (but then I have been in the receiving end of that sort of behaviour so maybe my view is biased too).

Ellpellwood · 29/06/2021 09:11

I'm not sure I could merrily sail off to work if my DH said he was suicidal. Certainly not if we're only talking about 3 occasions in 15 years - if you felt like this every week and he had to get on with working to pay the bills it's a bit different.

Pinot4evs · 29/06/2021 09:22

Just to give another perspective, it’s really fucking hard being the partner of someone who suffers with depression. I often felt like I was walking on eggshells and didn’t know what to do for the best in terms of being present or giving him space, so I would say be explicit in telling your partner what you need from him.

Cryalot2 · 29/06/2021 09:29

So sorry you feel this way. If you do feel you want to ring a helpline then do.
Some men struggle to understand illness and others are un nerved by them and don't know what to say or do.

You need to tell him what you want and when. Even have codewords which lets him know how bad and what is expected in future.
To me your husband just sounds kind but no idea of the illness and how he can help.
It is a horrible thing of which everyone raises awareness about but the actual help which is important is a postcode lottery and seems to vary greatly.
Good wishes

Chamomileteaplease · 29/06/2021 10:23

To add to everything others have said, you say you have felt like this three times. So three times you have told him you have felt suicidal and he goes off to work. And you are there when he gets back. So he sees or believes or wants to believe that you are "fine".

I think you need to spell out to him a bit more about not just how you feel at these times but what you want from him.

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