to wonder when parents are rough/scare their kids...

[Notimeforaname]

..and you've witnessed it,do you/could you say anything? If it's a friend/ family member/someone you are socialising with?
I dont mean actually smacking a child but being extremely rough - grabbing forcefully,frightening, telling off etc when the child hasn't done anything 'bad' or wrong, just annoying to the parent?

Where I'm from you don't ever step in when another parent is disciplining their child or undermine them...but I witnessed something like this happen to a child I care about by their parent and I said nothing in the moment. I turned my head away awkwardly/in shock and now I cant stop feeling so guilty that this child thinks I'm complicit in this and didn't say anything.
But then again because it wasn't what we call hitting/smacking,what was I supposed to say?
The other adults in the room reacted the same way I did.

Intimidating your child in any way is abusive but what should I have said,if indeed I should have said anything?

Am I being unreasonable to be still thinking about this and feeling horribly guilty? Should I keep my nose out?I dont think I can say anything now after the fact.
Child cried and looked humiliated for a few minutes. Another adult and I then distracted child to cheer them up. Parent carried on talking and socialising.

Personally, I don't think doing or saying anything in the moment really helps. When it's an abuser they're unlikely to be taken out of the moment and realise what they're doing is wrong, and the victim often gets it twice as bad in the aftermath once everyone has left. A 'look what you made me do' type of thing.

I will say though, if you ever have any cause for concern about a child based on what you've witnessed or heard then you can make a report anonymously to social services. If there's nothing going on when they investigate then it'll go nowhere, but if there is then it puts the child on their radar in case future things occur. A child who shows up at school bruised a few times can be easily explained away (and happens to all kids!), a child who shows up bruised regularly and who has had a report made in the past about aggressive behaviour from a parent might be more closely monitored.

I'm not saying you should make a report based on this, only you can judge that. I'm saying that if there's any doubt in your mind that a child is being treated badly, you have that option. More people should avail themselves of it. If I saw a parent who felt emboldened to behave that way towards a child in front of others I would very much doubt it was a one off.

It's a difficult topic to discuss as you'll get people telling you to keep your beak out. But when it comes to the wellbeing and safety of children, when you see something that isn't right keeping your beak out is the last thing you should do. I'd always rather hand it across to professionals and know I'd done my bit to try and help protect that child. And hope that if someone saw the same happening to my child, they'd do the same.

Not really. If it was family or a close friend I'd say calm down.

Usually these children grow up like their parents, they believe their way is normal and go on to treat other people the same.

The shouting and roughness has no effect on good behaviour, it's pointless.

Thank you all for your input. I appreciate it!

U*sually these people grow up like their parents
*
I think that's the stupidest thing I've ever read on MN. Most go the opposite way because of what they've suffered. We're not in the 70s anymore.

YANBU however OP, if you see that in public it makes you wonder what's happening at home.

U*sually these people grow up like their parents
*
I think that's the stupidest thing I've ever read on MN. Most go the opposite way because of what they've suffered. We're not in the 70s anymore.
In your opinion the DC around here who are mouthy intimating and rough come from rough parents.
Learnt behaviour.
OP didn't mention a physical beating I don't know what your reference to the 70's was for, many parents have replaced old methods of discipline with shouting.
Their mam shouting doesn't faze them after awhile.

If you’re out with your own children, the last thing you want to do is potentially place yourself or your own children in danger by confronting an abuser. It’s easy to ask why someone doesn’t intervene or to beat yourself up for not intervening but realistically, humans want to protect themselves and their own young first- it’s basic instinct.

Sorry Emerald, not sure if I've misquoted anyone there - apart from a bold fail - what's your point?

They're normal professional people, not gobby nor rough. But parenting seems to always be a chore for them,always on their last nerve with the children and very demanding of them.

Yes I do worry about what goes on at home but more about the emotional abuse.
I would never suspect actual physical beatings at all and have never seen the children with any bruises or anything. It's more snapping at everything,being rough,snatching and pulling,berating,disapproval.
But in this instance the child was pulled forcefully by a limb and given out to when they had done nothing wrong. They were just moving,wriggling/fidgeting as children do.
Child was very clearly scared,upset and humiliated. I would be too.

@KarenofSparta my point was in the reply to you?
@Notimeforaname It's sad for the DC they'll be aware of their parents feelings.
I'm not sure there is much you can do other than exactly how you handled it by distracting the DC cheering them up, letting them see not all parents are harsh.

Thank you EmeraldShamrock that's put my mind at ease.

I think you did as well as could be expected being caught off guard like that, and I think you did the right thing in focusing on the child afterwards.

Having been in similar shoes to the child, I didn't really think of other adults as complicit unless they were people who were heavily involved with my parents and were in a position of authority. So most of the adults, no, but there were a few times where things happened in front on an aunt who was highly respected or people high in the church at a church event who knew my parents well, and I've always wondered how they were so incentivized not to get involved.

I had a situation like this at the park a few years ago. It was just awful, no one else seemed to notice but the dad just kept telling this boy who must have been 5 or 6 that he was stupid and criticising everything he was doing. He desperately wanted to show him some climbing he was doing but the dad brushed him off really cruelly. He spoke so awfully to him and low key rough with him I didn’t know what to do but I was really shaky afterwards and wished I’d done something. Like PP have said what on earth goes on behind closed doors..
I kept thinking about it after I’d left the park and I called the NSPCC to ask what I should have done in that situation. They said to call 101 and give them a description so they could look out for them. When I called 101 they were really kind but said in that situation I should call 999 as the child was clearly not safe.
If someone had said to me call 999 I would have thought they were overreacting but I guess my point is that emotional abuse is serious and it does need dealing with by those who are properly trained to protect the children.

I'm sorry you experienced that as a child BiBabbles thanks for your post I just want the child to know I'm a kind adult they can trust.

@Notimeforaname
How well do you know the parents?
I have this a bit in dh’s family. It’s awful.

Thanks Easterbhunny I was half afraid people would tell me not to over react. It really was shocking in the moment.

I would have had the odd smack as a kid, late 80s/early 90's and it really didn't do me any harm,but we just dont do these things nowadays and even if we did..this was just total frustration and so rough and the child had done nothing wrong!! Child is 6,the oldest of 4 so expected to be a model citizen at all times

RickOShay Its a family member and their partner. I really dont want this to out me..so trying to be vague.
The partner was the ones scaring the child in this instance.

Relative is more emotionally/mentally damaging/controlling. Most is directed to the oldest child. But the general frustration of life is around all the kids.

Do you feel you could mention something to the family member?
I understand. In my situation it’s not physical, at least not that I’ve seen, it’s their general attitude. I found it very upsetting when they were younger. Now the dc are just very compliant and quiet. I feel like there’s nothing I can do except spoil them when I get the chance.
Dh’s family are not great and dh is in denial about that.

RickOShay family member and I do not speak. We will socialise in the same space but do not directly interact due to their behaviour. I could speak to the partner but feel it would cause more trouble.

What you said about the children now being very quiet and compliant, it seems to be heading that way here.
Child seems to be losing their spirits a little more every time I see them.
Child is very self critical. Parents seem almost...embarrassed when oldest child is acting like...well a child. They turn to anger and frustration very quickly for any little thing. When you see them they are constantly rolling their eyes and sighing at the stresses these children bring to their lives,it seems all doom and gloom for them.

It's such a weird touchy subject. I wish it was different.

@Notimeforaname I agree. Often I feel like I’m in alternate universe when I spend time with them.
Dh is conditioned to it. They live several hours away so I don’t see them regularly. The children are guarded. I remember them as little children and they were so lovely.
It’s heartbreaking. Nobody I can really talk to about it. If you’d like to pm me I’d be happy to chat more.