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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for experiences of sectioning family members

41 replies

Absentia · 28/06/2021 12:06

Its looking like a family member will be sectioned in the next few days. Doctors have sought a warrant and the police are booked.

I have been contacted to provide access to their house (I have a key) so that they don't have to break down the door.

I wonder if anyone would be willing to share any experiences of a similar situation. I love my family member very much and I fear that my relationship will be destroyed after this, partly due to their illness itself.

I don't know whether to accompany the professional in, in an attempt to try and 'look after' my relative or whether to keep our of the way.

Any thoughts?

I imagine this will be a very scary experience for my relative and wish to support them as well as I can.

And I hope very much that people who have experience of similar situations have healthy family members now who received the help that they needed.

OP posts:
TheGratefulWitchCried · 28/06/2021 22:10

I'm a social worker who does this on a, sadly, fairly regular basis. It's impossible to say without more detail, and even with that it's so dependent on the individual and the circumstances of the day.
But, what I can say is that if I was involved, I'd be wanting to talk to you and work with you about what would be 'easiest' for your parent and for you. A warrant under S135 means the police can force the door. A peaceful entry is obviously the preference, but the impact on family members and relationships should always be considered too.
As a professional in this role, I'm always so grateful to family who face such a difficult situation. I hope it isn't too traumatic for you and your relative.
Feel free to pm me if I can try to answer any more questions.

Confusedmeanderings · 28/06/2021 23:00

I have been sectioned too. In my case, the police took me to the mental health unit and I was assessed there. The process took a long time. If a bed is found for them, I second the drinks and snacks. I can tell you what was good for me, but I don't know if the dementia would make these ideas less relevant for your parent, so ignore if necessary! The unit I was in had a locked cupboard where things like phone chargers were kept and I could hand my phone in and it would be charged. I also had an mp3 player which I listened to podcasts on. If your parent reads or likes doing crosswords and things like that I suggest taking those. This next one is really stupid, but at the time it helped me - my DH went and bought a couple of new nightshirts with slogans on them like 'sleep and dream'. I looked at them every night as I got ready for bed and it was a reminder that some one cared about me. Some nice toiletries are a good idea, DH went round Boots looking for all the things that claimed to be relaxing. I got quite lonely in the unit and I found night times really hard so I phoned him every night before I went to bed and he talked to me until I felt sleepy, sometimes he read to me. My unit didn't have any system for laundry, so you will need to keep them topped up with clean clothes. There were never enough mugs in the coffee area, so an unbreakable mug might be useful. If I think of any more I'll post again and I hope all goes well for you.

Scutterbug · 28/06/2021 23:04

Agree about just little things to help. I played a lot of games on my phone. I didn’t leave my room as the people in my corridor were quite intimidating so it was isolating and there was no phone signal but there was hospital WiFi. No door on the bathroom so the second time I took a swimsuit as hugely body conscious. It was cold the first time so a dressing gown is good. Too hot the second time. Cleaning wipes as the room was dirty.

Absentia · 28/06/2021 23:10

@confusedmeanderings thank you for your insight too. I hope that you are feeling healthy again now x

I appreciate hearing little things that helped very much. I'll start stocking up

I feel so very sad by this tonight. I would do almost anything not to have my family in this situation.

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beigebrownblue · 28/06/2021 23:21

you can get nhs referrals to the retreat in york.
It is much more humane than any psychiatric unit.
Please try this.

www.bing.com/search?q=the+retreat+york&form=ANNTH1&refig=105c95d58b1e45359313b2fc4177f38f

Elleherd · 28/06/2021 23:23

Have been the person who let them in. Parked everyone but police in front room, got them out of bed and convinced them to dress and come into the front room because these people were here, and they’d control what happened better by being dressed.
Police were brilliant and sat outside by agreement while assessment took place, with agreement that SW would ping them if urgently needed. Police presence would have ramped things up massively and feeling they could control that was key. They were sectioned and I translated it as they had to see the Dr at the hospital to prove they were right as always, and this was all rubbish.

I didn’t expect it but in the end managed to convince them to go in the ambulance with me, and police very kindly pulled back, so from the neighbors POV, they saw older person walk out to an ambulance on the arm of a paramedic chatting, with muggins trailing behind with a bag, and the police not necessarily having a connection. Getting them to feel they were controlling what others saw, and that they had control of the police, was what made the exit less awful, but they had once been dragged out under arrest, and I don’t know how much it played into things.

Assessment and paperwork took longer than I'd expected, and SW and AMHP then wanted to to make up lost time which nearly caused a flash point.

Police and paramedics were brilliant and happy to take cues from me to make things less horrible and officious for detained person. SW and AMHP more intent in ensuring person understood what exactly was being done to them and how they had no choice or control. Probably their role tbf, but not actually in that person’s immediate interests.

They too were filling in the gaps convincingly, but its about the right questions. I’d fitted new dead locks to convince them the neighbor (who’d once broken in for them) wasn’t able to steal their food and crockery, and it was only when the right question was asked that they revealed neighbor came through the ceiling nightly and repaired it to cover their tracks and make people think resident was crazy.

The sense of being Judas has never left, I knew they’d never see their home, garden or possessions again and I knew how bad that would be for them. However, being there made things better for them shorter and longer term. I let them believe their home and possessions remained waiting for them to return and I was guarding it all. It seemed a kinder lie and helped them deal with what followed.

Hospital was scary and grim and I spent as much time as I could there with them. Unexpectedly they just stopped being violent to me. Having cleaning materials and food on me was invaluable, and name tapes in their clothes didn't help but did reassure.

Be brave, this is horrible, but the kindest thing you can do is shoulder it and minimize the pain of the reality and be a familiar face afterwards.

(You probably know but longer-term section needs to be converted to a section 3 so 117 kicks in, to protect assets/other parent financially.)

Absentia · 28/06/2021 23:25

@beigebrownblue thank you for this, I shall have a good look. I don't know if they can help dementia patients though

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TyrannosaurusWrexit · 28/06/2021 23:26

I'm feeling for you, Absentia. One of my children has been sectioned, both as a child and as an adult. That, and their illness, was horrible. DC held it against us as parents for a long time. All professionals were calm and kind, but it was still awful.

Elleherd · 28/06/2021 23:31

Should say that hospital was specifically older acute MH deprivation of liberty unit.

Absentia · 28/06/2021 23:32

@elleherd thank you so much for your post - I think it sounds a very similar situation, and I can relate to your feeling of being a judas very much indeed.

"Be brave, this is horrible, but the kindest thing you can do is shoulder it and minimize the pain of the reality and be a familiar face afterwards."

This bit really helps, thank you. I want to make this as kind as possible, while also securing some kind of help too. I think I know that this is the start of a long process rather than the end as my other parent seems to imagine that it will be...

My parent told us that the neighbours came in and hid litter by the side of the bed, rather than mice chewing through things

OP posts:
RunnerDown · 28/06/2021 23:43

It’s very difficult for relatives when a loved one is being detained. Staff involved will try hard to make things as straightforward as possible but patients can understandably be very distressed. They would not be sectioned if they didn’t lack insight.
In my experience police would not be involved in the process if it could be managed by nursing staff.
I think some posters who are talking about their own experiences in mental health units have been on adult psychiatric wards. A patient with dementia will be on an old age organic psychiatry ward which will be very different. All the other patients there will be older and will have dementia.

Elleherd · 29/06/2021 00:24

Your parent is sewing together the gap between what they experience (things going missing, getting damaged, evidence of neglect etc) and what they can or are prepared to accept, (it can't be their 'fault' or something they can put right easily) using a twisted logic that covers their sense of need. (including who to blame) They aren't seeking to lie, just make it make sense to themselves and explain things away to others in a way that leaves them feeling in control or at least the victim not the cause or perpetrator. It's just survival, never take it personally.

If hoarding is part of it, then say nothing about the place getting cleaned up, sorted etc. It wont help and will make it worse for them.

It may be that there may be little help beyond physical care and reducing some triggers, and the ability to help the other parent. Awful as it may feel, if that's what it is, then that's what it is.

The weight in your heart is something you just have to accept and carry. You will learn how to as you go. The strength to live with awful things is there even when you don't know it. This is no different from still parenting in desperately crap circumstances, you just always do the very best you can to reduce the impact for the 'recipient' in circumstances you desperately don't want but can't really change. Flowers When good is out of reach, aim for 'good enough.'

Go in understanding and accepting that others are making the bigger decisions here, that's out of your control.
Your role short and longer term, is to use your understanding, knowledge of the person, and creativity, to distract, comfort, reassure, listen, enrich, acclimatize, and make things hurt and frighten less, wherever possible.

Absentia · 29/06/2021 00:36

@elleherd your insights are valuable, thank you.

I'm going to check that my parent will be going to an older persons assessment unit.

I admit I'm also struggling with an anger which is misplaced. I feel very guilty about that but some of the lifestyle issues which need urgent attentive have been issues for a lot longer than their illness has been impacting them. My parent has been sliding slowly towards this crisis for well over 15 years (they're in their mid 80s now). And I've tried so hard to protect them from this.

Of course, by being so cagey and detail-less, I could be a greedy child, a lazy child; sometime who is manipulative and ill intentioned (indeed, I will be accused of this by my parent). You've no real insight into what I'm doing. I could also just be defeated by their utter insistence that they are right and everyone else is wrong and their way is right even if it puts my other parent at risk.

Like I said. Bloody disaster.

OP posts:
Absentia · 29/06/2021 00:38

@elleherd just rereading your comment, and I'm well used to "good enough". DC have SEN and its just like that really, isn't it. You just do your best, because you have to because you love that person and no one can come and do that for you

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Scutterbug · 30/06/2021 12:57

How are things?

Absentia · 30/06/2021 21:24

@scutterbug we're just waiting until the meeting next week, which is on Tuesday. I'll be speaking to the team tomorrow or Friday as I want to check that my parent is going onto an older adults ward...

I'm collecting bits to go in their bag (my other parent is doing this too), and I'm trying to think of ways to cope with all eventualities which is exhausting because I just have no idea what will happen...

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