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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you speak to school about this?

19 replies

NautaOcts · 28/06/2021 10:36

Just wanted opinions on whether I should speak to school about something year 1 dc (age 6) has asked me not to…
I know she’s only little but don’t want her to feel embarrassed

She had a problem Thursday and Friday in that she’d basically done a poo in her pants and not told the teacher/they hadn’t noticed.
Was a bit surprised they didn’t notice the first time as I could smell something by as I collected her. Friday it was less.
But her skin unsurprisingly got so sore, especially on Friday as she said it happened before lunch. She was screaming saying it stung when I was cleaning her up and giving her a bath.

I think she’s afraid of using the toilets at school, she had a thing a while ago about worrying the fire alarm would go off while she was on there.

I’ve told her as much as I can that if she needs the toilet she has to go.
And if she has an accident she should quietly tell the teacher. But she is very embarrassed and puts her hands on her ears saying ‘don’t say that!’

She’s said she will go to the toilet and wipe herself as best she can if she needs a poo at school but I’m worrying about ti.
She also has an after school sports activity today so would be even worse if it does happen again.
She really didn’t want me to talk to the teacher and ask them to keep an eye as she’s so embarrassed about the whole thing.
But should i?
Would you?

Their normal teacher has just gone on maternity leave so I can’t email her, and in the morning it’s all very quick drop off and public if you need to say abything.
But j could phone the receptionist and ask them to pass it on to the TA. It’s just dd would be so cross.

Yabu - don’t say anything, see if it’s ok today
YANBU - you should speak to school even tho dd doesn’t want you to

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 28/06/2021 10:39

I would speak to the school (not the TA personally) and tell them but say she is not to know - they could discreetly check (for smell!) and sort something out if so.

Findahouse21 · 28/06/2021 10:39

I'd speak to the teacher on the phone but ask them to be discreet and not tell dd that they are aware

AnyOldPrion · 28/06/2021 10:42

I’d be having a quiet word. They’ll have dealt with similar before. I might ask them to be discreet about the fact that you spoke to them, but if your daughter finds out, be prepared to explain why you did - which for me might include consideration for other people vis-a-vis aroma and potential contamination of the school environment and also the fact that it is bad for her health to have a sore bottom from sitting in dirty pants all day.

Deadleaf29 · 28/06/2021 10:42

I don’t regard six as old enough to make that kind of decision, it’s no different to my child telling me while wheezing hard that they don’t want to go to hospital. I’d say your child’s teacher needs to know, it might be a problem very simply fixed. I had a slightly younger child start having accidents inexplicably- turned out she’d misinterpreted something the teacher had said offhand to a TA and my child thought that the toilets at school were closed permanently! Teacher had a talk with her, child was reassured and problem was solved.

Original poster
NautaOcts · 28/06/2021 10:43

Ok. I think you’re right. I will make them aware but ask them to be discreet.
Also say that I’m working from home so if she needs changing/cleaning could come in

OP posts:
Original poster
NautaOcts · 28/06/2021 10:44

When it came up before I did tell them about her fear about the fire alarm going off, so they did try and address that with her.

OP posts:
SoMuchForSummerLove · 28/06/2021 10:46

Why don't you also stick a some clean pants and wipes in her bag? Then at least she might feel she could control the situation herself. She might not get it perfect but she'd be/feel cleaner.

My DD came home from P1 numerous times with a change of pants - she was also pretty embarrassed but the teaching staff were very kind with her.

MadeOfStarStuff · 28/06/2021 10:46

Definitely tell the school, let them know DD is embarrassed and didn’t want you to tell them and ask them to be discreet (as I’m sure they would anyway). I’m sure they’ll have come across similar issues before, and they wouldn’t want DD to be upset and sore unnecessarily.

Original poster
NautaOcts · 28/06/2021 10:48

Thanks everyone, I just spoke to them and they were lovely.
I did say to dd about putting some pants in her bag just in case but she refused that, but maybe tomorrow I’ll just stick some in anyway.

OP posts:
SoMuchForSummerLove · 28/06/2021 10:53

Well, she can't refuse, she's 6! If she is having issues at school then she has to take things in her bag.

chickenyhead · 28/06/2021 10:56

I would tell them of the anxiety but not the accidents specifically.

Howshouldibehave · 28/06/2021 10:58

Was a bit surprised they didn’t notice the first time as I could smell something by as I collected her.

Infant classes can often smell of poo and farts so I don’t blame them for not noticing! I’d give her a change of clothes on her peg.

CoralSparkles · 28/06/2021 11:03

I think you need to figure out why she’s soiling herself. Is it a physical or emotional cause?

a8mint · 28/06/2021 11:12

I am pretty sure they wouldhave been aware she had soiled herself!!
At 6 though i tbink you and the teacher need to figure out a way she can be excused to clean herself up. Wipes, a plastic bag and clean pants in her pe bag?

Howshouldibehave · 28/06/2021 11:42

I am pretty sure they wouldhave been aware she had soiled herself!!

I really don’t think the teacher/TA would have been aware she’d soiled herself and just ignored it!

3scape · 28/06/2021 11:43

If you tell them and explain her embarrasment then they would at least be more able to just take that moment longer to see if shes avoiding eye contact or sitting uncomfortably. It's often obvious when you're looking g for it. But classrooms are busy.

MargaretThursday · 28/06/2021 12:23

Could you "donate" some pants for the school to have spare which the teacher keeps?

I have every sympathy with her. I remember the day in year 2 the teacher decided to check that we had the right games kit in our bags and it was named (I suspect someone's had gone missing). And the teacher said triumphantly "now you should have nothing left in your bag". And there, to my embarrassment was a little lump down at the bottom of the bag, which was the pants dm insisted we needed to have as spare in the school. I was terrified the teacher was going to ask me to show what was left in the bag!
Those pants went home in my pocket that day and I refused to put them back. Tbf I don't think I'd ever needed a change of pants at school, and nor had my dsis-who was 3 years older and still had the "spare pants".

However infant schools often have spare pants (dd2's form had a favoured pair and if they knew it had come back, used to tell the teacher they were wet to try and get this pair Hmm) so you can tell your dd that you've been asked to donate spare clothes in case anyone needs them, but ask the teacher privately if she can keep them for her if that will make her feel more comfortable.

cupoftea2021 · 28/06/2021 12:55

The donate pants is a great idea.
Or put them in a coloured bag that matches her backpack so it's not as noticeable.
Or do a full set of change of clothes when happen it happens I am sure it will be appreciated for a less embarrassing moment.
Mum knows best.

CaptainMyCaptain · 28/06/2021 13:11

@NautaOcts

When it came up before I did tell them about her fear about the fire alarm going off, so they did try and address that with her.
If there is a fire alarm, even a drill, one of the adults will be delegated to check the toilets. Knowing this might reassure her. Also, a fire happening in school while children are there is very, very unlikely.
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