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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

SOB of a H has had an affair

12 replies

WriteronaMission · 28/06/2021 01:04

Just as the title says. I'm fuming.

No I'm not taking him back. He's not even sorry.

We've been having problems and I was willing to work through them. He said he was too. We've been working on them since the start of March and now he tells me he was having an affair in January and ended it in April. April!!!

Oh and it's my fault apparently...

Not taking that, of course. He knows I have a history with domestic violence and emotional abuse. He knows I blame myself for other people's actions. In fact, I believe I was the reason for our marriage breakdown. But it wasn't. It was all him.

He gaslit me for ages too. I was sure something was off, that things didn't add up, but I stupidly believed him thinking I was just seeing things. Again, he knows my history of this and still did it.

He told me Thursday and was gone by Saturday. I thought I needed closure but spoke to my therapist today (for anxiety and depression) and she reminded me that narcissists never give that. So, I'm angry, so very angry, but I'm okay with no closure. My closure is our marriage was over in January when he started the affair.

We have two DDs. I'll stay as civil with him as possible for them. We agreed to a schedule Saturday before he left that splits childcare 50/50. But he's not getting to know anything about me. My eldest DD (8) says she's excited I'll get a new boyfriend (you know how they say it) because I'll be happier than I've been the last few months. They're so smart.

Don't need any advice, just kind of wanted to rant. Hope nobody minds that! I know what AIBU can be like.

Fucking arsehole...I have stronger words and have changed his name in my phone to them.

OP posts:
minipie · 28/06/2021 01:12

I’m so sorry OP. As you say, he’s a fucking arsehole.

Keep ranting as much as you like. But also, make practical plans. Ducks in a row as they say on here.

thenewduchessofhastings · 28/06/2021 01:20

Well the trash has literally taken itself out;good riddance to bad rubbish.

It's no one's fault their partner had an affair;thé blame is with the adulterous partner.

He's a such a cliche isn't he?;is he middle aged and the OW was a work colleague just to complete the midlife crisis bingo?

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/06/2021 02:12

The trash has literally taken itself out

Word for word what I was thinking.

Be prepared for the panicky attempts at getting back together though when he realises that the freedom of being single also means the freedom to pay all the bills on his own, the freedom to do all his own housework/cleaning/childcare and the freedom to not get laid when the latest OW gets bored with him.

And he will, they always do when the shiny new life starts to develop a patina....

Anordinarymum · 28/06/2021 02:21

Sorry this has happened to you, but now you can start a new chapter in your life filled with honesty and peace

Mummabug18 · 28/06/2021 02:27

Your strength and clear mind is inspiring! Do what you have to do for you and DDs and I hope it's moving on for good! You deserve the respect that this prick has not had for you!! And if and when you're ready to meet someone new, they know your worth too! Hugs for you and your awesome girls!

Leshan · 28/06/2021 03:01

Yes - I agree - the trash took itself out.

adeleh · 28/06/2021 03:50

Sounds a nasty piece of work, OP. I’m really sorry.
(And your daughter seems like a real sweetheart.)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/06/2021 04:17

Well I'm sorry for you that he fucked you over and messed with your head, but I'm really glad he's actually left you because now you can get on with your life and be happier without the gaslighting narc who has zero respect or care for you.

I wouldn't let him away with the 50:50 care though - chances are he's only pulling that stunt to avoid paying any maintenance, and you'll still end up doing most of it, or your DC will be under-cared for while with him.

Have you seen a solicitor yet? Definite next step - do not make private agreements with him, he will agree to anything at the moment and then renege on it all the second he thinks he can.

Rant away - it's very therapeutic! ThanksWine

FortunesFave · 28/06/2021 04:19

Do you want 50/50? What about the kids? What do they want?

Don't make any big decisions now OP. You don't have to you know. x

WriteronaMission · 28/06/2021 12:45

Thanks everyone! The trash really did take itself out.

I can't see him wanting to come back. He says he finished with the OW but I doubt that. But there's no way he'd be allowed back in. I'm never going to trust him again.

He's 31 and met her through work, so close enough to the cliche. There were some rumors at work that he was sleeping with a couple of the women though.

I wouldn't let him away with the 50:50 care though - chances are he's only pulling that stunt to avoid paying any maintenance, and you'll still end up doing most of it, or your DC will be under-cared for while with him.

We're not in the UK. Where we are, maintenance is based mostly on income, and I'm actually the higher earner so I'd could end up paying him even without a 50/50 split! It's a very weird system where both parents can have to pay each other. He hasn't realised the system yet but I'm sure when lawyers are involved something will be said.

The agreement for childcare so far is just done through us. He even signed it. If he is late for just one, I've told him it's going through the courts. If he wants to see his kids, he can step up and be a dad.

Do you want 50/50? What about the kids? What do they want?

The kids want to see him and are happy with it. They don't trust him, but they still want to see him. I'm happy with 50/50. After years of having no time to myself at all, I'm ready for him to see what I've actually been doing and why I was so tired when he'd come home.

Getting ducks in a row today. I asked a neighbour who is a lawyer in labor law for recommendations for good family law lawyers this weekend so he's giving me a list of sharks today. Mine and my Dad's futures will be protected.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 28/06/2021 12:50

I'm so sorry, OP.

It's tempting to blame yourself even if you do actually know it isn't your fault. Don't do it. There's no virtue in it and no benefit for anyone except the arsehole.

beigebrownblue · 28/06/2021 13:15

Love that quote about the trash.

Sorry this happened. That is why narcissists like to have relationships with women with an ex abusive partner or relationship.

they know we know we blame ourselves, which takes the spotlight of what utter arseholes they are.

(Am I allowed to say that word here?

So what we need to keep doing is as one poster said remind ourselves that they are the ones making mistakes.

End of.

Perhaps not much comfort now but it could have been worse.
At least he is gone.

Do the work of seeing to finances as quickly as possible, today preferably, then put your feet up wiht wine and choccies

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