AIBU to not enjoy the life I chose

[Zerowillpower]

Feel so low. I am married with two DDs, the oldest 3 years and the youngest 4 months. I’m 40. I didn’t marry someone I was madly in love with, though I did love him at the time. In hindsight i was worried I’d be alone so thought it better to get married. He’s on the whole a good person but he can be a bit horrible sometimes, doesn’t speak to me nicely and is very impatient. He isn’t very approachable if I feel we need to talk about something, very defensive, and snappy with me over little things. If he’s in a bad mood it affects the atmosphere, one of those type people. It feels lonely because he acts like mr nice guy, more mr chilled, laid back, couldn’t do enough for you, guy to literally EVERYONE else and no one would know his true colours. We do get on sometimes, when he is in a good mood, but I always feel an under current of dislike for him. I just wanted a happier home life for my children.

On top of this, while I love my children to pieces, my oldest is really clingy and very hard for me even to leave the room we are in to go to the kitchen to get a drink without having to negotiate it with her clinging on to my leg sometimes. This was pre her sister being born too, not much has changed. As she has got older she has had a better relationship with her dad, they’ll play a lot more (he’s always tried, he’s not a hands off dad - one good thing about him) and she can be more happy with him now not me but it’s still really hard work to get her off me and quite draining. There’s not a lot I do for myself anymore now the baby is here and I’m breastfeeding.

I’m ashamed to admit it but life feels like a bit of a drag. Sorry for the moan. Just feel unhappy at times, especially towards my husband and can’t help but feel I have created an unhappy life for myself. Am I alone? Don’t know what my AIBU is really. Help.

You have a new baby, you're probably exhausted and feeling rubbish right now. Not dismissing anything you said about your husband, but everything may seem worse right now because you're all adjusting to being a family of four. Just wanted to say. I hope you feel better soon.

When you've got two small children, you really need a supportive partner to make the days more bearable .

Has he always been impatient and snappy or is it just since having the kids?

Do you ever talk about your relationship? I know it's bloody hard to do that when you have little ones but this does sound serious.

@WildNorthEast yes this is helpful and it had occurred to me. I am exhausted. I think it does all seem worse right now. Thanks for your kindness.

You poor thing. Do you have any RL support?

The way he treats you behind closed doors vs in front of family or friends is a red flag. Has he always been this way?

@Chamomileteaplease thanks for your comments. He has always been this way, I don’t think having kids has changed him. The one difference is that I was probably more flexible and less outspoken but if we disagree about say, some parenting approach, I’m not as inclined to bend because the matter will be too important to me as it will affect my child. Know what I mean? I was more bothered about keeping the peace when it was just us. We do talk about our relationship a lot I think. Maybe not as much now the baby is here as life’s a bit full on but we do talk - it’s just ALWAYS an argument, can never have a healthy conversation. Our day to day communication is very difficult, he often thinks I’m having a go, which I’m not, so I over think how I word things all the time.

@SpaceRaiders yes, he has. I should have seen the red flag before we got married.

we disagree about say, some parenting approach, I’m not as inclined to bend because the matter will be too important to me as it will affect my child. Know what I mean?
Well there's a big problem to start with! They are just as much his children, and his opinion is as important as yours. You need to listen to his views. No wonder he feels resentful towards you..

@a8mint thanks for your comment - I do agree with you to an extent. I don’t think I made myself very clear how I explained that though. I meant that before children I probably just let a lot of stuff go when I disagree because he could be very passive aggressive and harsh when I didn’t agree with him. But when the matter was the children I couldn’t let it go so would speak up more. For example, when we had our first baby, he used to do her bath time, it became a part of his role. But he wouldn’t check the bath water with his elbow like I would ask him to, and check it with his hand or not at all, so he didn’t really know what the bath water temp was before putting her in. I thought it was irresponsible and dangerous actually but he thought I was being stupid. And did his own thing even though I’d warned him of the danger. I couldn’t watch while he dipped my baby in bath water he couldn’t be too wasn’t too hot - this is the kind of thing I meant about saying it was too important to let go. If it was an opinion about something of course I would listen. Another example was when she was a bit older he was feeding her baked beans. There was steam coming off them so I said, “ooh, be careful they look hot”. He said they weren’t so I asked him to check. At which point he thrust the forkful of beans at my face and shouted, you check, aggressively. This kind of thing. If I’d have wares hime about the temperature of his bath water or food he was about to eat abs he chose not to listen, I wouldn’t care, I’d let it go, but not when it is over the safety of my children. To clarify, he’s not out to abuse the children, he just doesn’t want me to tell him anything, he’s unapproachable.

It seems to me that what you are saying is that he is a bully. Before the children you were more passive and let things go, but as you say now the children’s safety and well being is at stake you have to intervene and he does not like this change in you., hence the bad atmosphere.

It’s tough when the children are so little, but only you can decide whether you want to continue to live with a bully. You sound like you are doing your best in very difficult circumstances.