Please help me see im doing the right thing re h throwing objects

[Thatsmycupoftea]

Hi all

I'm feeling so low and such a failure right now.

When dc were very little me and h went through a bad stage of arguments. It was horrible. During one time h threw dc changing bag at me. H left for a month and got some help with family support.

I said to h when he came back that if he ever did anything like that again that would be it. I do not want my dc to think this is acceptable or to be affected by arguments etc

Things have been good for 4 years. Hardly argued. The odd disagreement but nothing major.

We are yet again going through a stressful time and last week h and I had a big argument.

Things have been pretty ok but I have felt tense all week. I don't want a repeat of that awful time back when dc were young.

H does not cope with stress well and will take it out on me by being nasty but if I call him out on it he gets defensive. I have asked him to seek help for his mental health and he hasn't as yet.

Another argument occurred just now because h has been out the last 2 days with friends and is tired and apparently I'm not sympathetic to that. H would not listen and began to shout and then threw a family calendar at me as I was sat in a chair.

I have told him to leave and the marriage is over. Literally as he threw it i could see the regret on his face and he instantly apologized. It hit my arm but it didn't hurt. But the fact is he lost control and thats scary.

Dc were in the other room and heard this.

He is now upstairs I hope he is packing but does not sound this way.

I feel a failure to my children. Part of me feels like I have failed by exposure to this shit and part because I'm breaking up a family and disruption to their lives. Part of me feels I'm over reacting. I just don't know. I feel so sad.

None of this is your fault. At all. It's all on him. I think you are doing the right thing. It's not a one off and there's associated behaviour too. How dare he treat you like that. Don't feel like a failure. He has failed and let you down badly.

DA national helpline is 0808 2000 247. Sorry you are in this position. It's utterly terrifying. Nothing you could have done or not done. It's all on him.

He had his warning the first time he did it. You are now following through with the consequence of him repeating that abusive behaviour. It's not your fault, it's his fault. He should not have thrown anything at you.

You’re doing the right thing. I bet he doesn’t throw stuff at work or in public. Funny how usually people like this can control themselves outside of the home just fine.

You set a clear boundary for the benefit of yourself and your children. Your husband is either unwilling or unable to respect it. That doesn't mean you change your boundary - it means he has to experience the consequences of his actions.

YANBU to set and enforce boundaries. The alternative doesn’t bear thinking about. As @FuckUcuntychops says, I bet he doesn’t do this in work.

Yanbu at all
Don’t minimise this or forgive it
He’s violent and you need him to leave

Bloody good for you. YANBU

You are not a failure, he is.
He got a chance s the first time to change things, you sound like you’ve been on eggshells since. Now he’s shown his true colours again he nedds to leave.
I hope you’re safe

Awful man

Kids can't be subject to this

He must get out ASAP
Change locks

Men like that escalate very quickly

My ex started with throwing books at my head , smashing my phone inches from me
Went on to try to kill me and my little one

By so careful please xxxx

You are not being unreasonable. I think you're amazing for setting a boundary and sticking to it.

You are not to blame he is, nor are you overreacting he knew what the consequences would be and still chose to do it anyway

You're doing the right thing.

I wish my mum had done the same.

You are being so strong and definitely NOT a failure to your kids. You set a perfectly reasonable boundary and now he has crossed it. If you stayed, he could escalate and it would get harder to leave.

You and your children can't live in fear of stressful situations setting H off - life is stressful!! By him leaving and you making him experience the consequences you are teaching your children to not accept abuse.

Stay strong, tell your support system what he's done and how the marriage is over and access all the help you can get

So he chose to go out with friends all weekend and is suffering the consequences of doing so (tiredness). Yet you're supposed to be sympathetic how? Allowing him to opt out of parenting? Taking on his share of chores? Not expecting him to be involved and allowing him to just lie on the sofa or in bed all day?

When you don't do the above he then creates an argument and chooses to throw something at you. In an attempt to what? Shut you up and allow him to do as he pleases with no consequences?

You warned him @Thatsmycupoftea and you've done nothing wrong. The only one responsible for the break up of your family is your husband.

So he’s been out partying for two nights (leaving you with the kids?) and is presumably tired and hungover. He for some reason thinks that means he deserves a simpering and sympathetic wife, and when you don’t grovel and appear sufficiently subservient, he kicks off and throws things at you?

You’ve done exactly the right thing. He needs to leave.

I really understand your feeling of overreaction.
I can imagine phrases like 'he hasn't done it for ages' 'its only a calendar' 'it didn't hurt' 'he regretted it as soon as he did it' are going through your mind.

the trouble is, what will happen if you don't kick him out?
He will find it easier to throw the next thing, and then the next.
The boundary, once trodden into the ground is impossible to rebuild.

At some point the things he throws will hurt, and worse.

So, no it is not an over reaction.

He now has a choice. Get some help, and sort himself out, or continue as he is. You don't need him round as he is.

You're doing the right thing. We have to teach our children what love is. If they witness things like that then that is what they will think love is and they will accept this behaviour when they are older. If you wouldn't accept people treating your children this way then don't accept him treating you this way.

Take care