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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to invite him?

30 replies

DuzzyFuck · 27/06/2021 16:03

Currently planning our wedding and drilling into our guest list to make numbers / budget work for our dream venue.

We're having a relatively small amount of people we love and most want to be around us & have been quite brutal in excluding people that we like but don't socialise with or hear from as much as others.

The trouble is that a close friend of mine lives with her partner and I (along with the rest of our mutual friends) hate him. He's controlling towards her, rude to us as her friends, a deeply unlikable person. She's completely different around him, like night & day. She knows how we feel about him but also that we won't interfere, her choices are her own to make & we'll still be here if/when she needs us. My Fiancé has met her but not him as they moved some distance away pre-pandemic.

I desperately want her to be at our wedding, but absolutely do not want him & his bad attitude there.

AIBU to invite her on her own? Several of our wider group of friends are single so she wouldn't be the one odd spare wheel at the party. I do accept that if I invited her alone she might not come.

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 27/06/2021 16:04

If he's that controlling will he let her come without him? Serious question. Wondering if you're better off inviting them both it you really want her there?

Chamomileteaplease · 27/06/2021 16:07

I don't see any problem with this at all. Everyone knows that numbers are tight at a wedding Grin.

Send her the invitation with a note explaining about numbers and letting her know that the wider group of friends will be there so she won't be left on her own at all.

Hopefully she will relish the chance to escape Smile.

I would say, numbers or not, do not invite someone who has the possibility of spoiling your day in any way at all. You would regret it hugely!

Original poster
DuzzyFuck · 27/06/2021 16:08

She has visited us without him a couple of times since they moved, so while I think he'd discourage her I don't think he'd actually stop her.

OP posts:
Tothemoonandbackx · 27/06/2021 16:17

I'd definitely stipulate that the invitation is for her only too, just so theres no mistaking the invite is for both of them Xx

PurpleyBlue · 27/06/2021 16:19

Absolutely fine, you've made sure there are people she knows there.

Original poster
DuzzyFuck · 27/06/2021 16:20

Thanks @Chamomileteaplease this sentence has confirmed we're doing the right thing.

I would say, numbers or not, do not invite someone who has the possibility of spoiling your day in any way at all. You would regret it hugely!

OP posts:
MissMissTorrance · 27/06/2021 16:23

I'd call her and explain before sending the invite that due to numbers it's an invite for her only but stress there will be loads of people she knows there too.

Original poster
DuzzyFuck · 27/06/2021 16:24

@MissMissTorrance I would definitely call her to explain in person (assuming I can catch her when he's not sitting beside her listening in Hmm)

OP posts:
amillionrosepetals · 27/06/2021 17:06

Can you be sure that she would come by herself though? What if he bullies her into bringing him anyway?

FunMcCool · 27/06/2021 17:13

How would you explain it?

Original poster
DuzzyFuck · 27/06/2021 17:20

@FunMcCool I'd be honest with her. We only want the people we love the most to share the day with us, our numbers are limited, and we'd love her to come but we're not able or willing to extend the invitation to him.

She knows he's roundly disliked so I doubt it will come as too much a surprise.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 27/06/2021 17:25

@Chamomileteaplease

I don't see any problem with this at all. Everyone knows that numbers are tight at a wedding Grin.

Send her the invitation with a note explaining about numbers and letting her know that the wider group of friends will be there so she won't be left on her own at all.

Hopefully she will relish the chance to escape Smile.

I would say, numbers or not, do not invite someone who has the possibility of spoiling your day in any way at all. You would regret it hugely!

This.

Numbers being tight is the perfect excuse.

magicstar1 · 27/06/2021 17:32

Don’t invite him. My friend was bridesmaid for our other friend and her boyfriend was like that guy. My boyfriend and I had to babysit him all day. He tried to follow them to where the photos were taken to make sure she wasn’t posing too much with the groomsmen. He wanted to keep going up to the top table during dinner. In the end he had a huge rant at her in the carpark because he hadn’t been paid enough attention by her.
Don’t let that happen at your wedding.

Wallywobbles · 27/06/2021 17:37

We only invited people we'd both met. No exceptions. Problem solved.

Original poster
DuzzyFuck · 27/06/2021 17:43

@Wallywobbles I thought of saying that but because of the pandemic there are a couple of people on each side that we haven't both met.

OP posts:
KateTheEighth · 27/06/2021 17:45

Just be prepared for her to cancel at the last minute even if she says she'll be there

I have a lovely friend who is with a similarly controlling bastard and I know that she will absolutely cancel big events if it's just her because of the pressure he puts on her

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/06/2021 17:50

Due to limited numbers due to space of venue as still have to sd

I have said to a few friends who are couples that invite is for them only due to space

Prefer to have 6 close friends rather then 3 couples

Sure she will understand and make clea be other single ladies there

KarmaStar · 27/06/2021 18:48

Do it!and arrange,if you can,for a couple of friends to pick her up so she can't be kept home by the idiot freak she's with at the moment.

Have a beautiful wedding day.🌈

Topseyt · 27/06/2021 18:55

Don't invite him. Say that space is limited due to the Covid restrictions so you are not at liberty to invite all +1s.

Ineedmysay · 27/06/2021 18:56

I would just say numbers are tight and that’s why she’s being invited on her own, no need to spell it out that her partner is not welcome, as you’ve said already she’s aware of this

osbertthesyrianhamster · 27/06/2021 19:00

She'll probably not attend anyhow if he's controlling.

ThinWomansBrain · 27/06/2021 19:07

Are all other guests being invited with partners?
At a formal sit down silver wedding a few years ago, I think I was the only person whose partner wasn't invited, and found it very hurtful; had I known in advance, I wouldn't have gone.

Original poster
DuzzyFuck · 27/06/2021 19:59

@ThinWomansBrain No she wouldn't be. There are a couple on DP's guest list with fairly recent boyfriends / girlfriends that we haven't met so we've left them off. All other couples are either married or very close friends that we see often and know both of well.

OP posts:
EllaBlaire · 27/06/2021 20:02

Don’t invite him, but don’t make it a “thing” by explaining that you don’t like him…. She will just assume that numbers are tight and/or you don’t like him - you don’t need to spell it out.

sunflowerdaisies · 27/06/2021 20:06

I think you should invite him. I totally understand your dislike for him but he is her partner and hopefully when it ends she'll appreciate your support, rather than driving a wedge between the two of you and potentially causing issues for her at home.