To stop him seeing his dad

[Mellybell]

Hello!

Sorry if this is long or doesn’t make sense..il try and be as clear as I can.

My ex partner and I were together for 3 years. To be honest, the only good thing to come out of it was our little boy who is now 6.
He has a drink/drug problem and would go out on a Thursday and not come home till the Sunday. He would turn his phone off and just spend all of his money on alcohol and cocaine. (I am very anti drugs). When I found out I was pregnant he did change for a bit but as soon as my son came along he went back to his old ways. He also cheated on me when I was pregnant with his ex (and she sent me videos of it) which is irrelevant but thought I would mention to show the kind of person he is.

When my son was born, I finally built up the courage to leave him. I think I wanted to “fix him” but knew I couldn’t put my son through it.

I moved back to my parents and he wouldn’t give me any of my belongings. He kept everything and seen me and my son with nothing. I went back to work when my son started nursery and saved enough to move into our own home and we finally feel happy and content.

My son, this morning, asked when he could see his dad. I never wanted to be one of these people who “played god” with their child, but I just do not want him to have any contact with his dad at all.

Since we split up, he has never been there for him. I have tried to arrange for him to see him, taking him to meet him and he’s never showed up. He’s stole money from me for drugs, when I first left him I had drug dealers knocking on my door asking for me to pay them. My son never gets a Xmas or birthday card, he can go weeks and weeks without so much as sending a text asking if he is ok. And when he does text I get a barrage of abuse as he accuses me of ruining my sons life as I won’t let him see him.
This has gone on for years, I have always wanted him to play a part in my sons life (when I was there he would never be left alone with him) and I’ve always encouraged this. But he has let him down so so many times, and now my son is at an age where he will understand if his dad doesn’t show up, or if he sees him one week but then disappears…I don’t want him to miss him and feel upset.

There is so many things he has done to the both of us and he had me rock bottom for a very long time. Now I just won’t accept it for my son. I have told him if he wants to see him, he will go through the right channels so it’s taking out of my hands.

But now my son has asked this morning to see him and I just don’t know what to say? I don’t want him to think I am the one stopping his dad but I just don’t want him to be hurt.

Sorry if this is all ramble, any advice would be really appreciated!

When was the last time he saw him?

He saw him maybes a year and a half ago, even then he didn’t show much interest at my son at all

It’s entirely your judgement call as to whether you think it’s safe and appropriate for your son to have contact with his father. His father has the option of making formal arrangements if he doesn’t like your conclusion.

My only caveat to this, and it’s not based on anything you’ve said in your OP but it is a consideration you must make, is that the reasons you decide for whether or not your son sees his father must be based on the well-being of your son, not your feelings towards the father.

I’m sorry that’s so unhelpful but it’s the only objective answer to a dilemma about which we have limited information.

My personal take however would be that the father shows little to no interest in the child, and this can only be upsetting an unsettling for your son. So if I was making the decision this alone would sway my feelings. If the father is still drinking heavily and taking drugs I wouldn’t even consider the question.

So quite a long time ago then. Has his father tried to see him in that time? No I wouldn’t be arranging contact if it was me as I would only want supervised contact given what you said but it’s difficult when they ask to see them, and lots of kids do sadly end up blaming their mothers for their fathers absence

if you do, then id suggest sorting some sort of supervised access

Thank you for replying!

My feelings have always been put to one side, I have tried to arrange so many times for him to have some contact with him and he always lets him down.

I have messaged him when my son has done well at school and I just get nothing from him. He’s not interested at all. And if for one minute I thought ex was going to be consistent in wanting to see him, I would have no problem at all, I just think now my son is old enough to realise that one week he sees daddy then he disappears or lets him down and I don’t want him to feel that hurt.
I would love it if he would get professional advice and we could come to some arrangement like that, but again he won’t. Which baffles me because if I wanted and missed my son that much I would do everything in my power.

As you say he still has a drink and drug problem I would think he's not capable of being there consistently for your son. Maybe call his bluff and suggest you set up a regular visit schedule with you there to keep an eye on him.

I would be having supervised access only, and if he doesn’t turn up your son will see that. There’s nothing wrong with letting kids work it out for themselves, you just need to know how to handle the fallout.

I wouldn’t recommend you supervising visits op, I tried that with my ex and It was awful, get it supervised properly in a contact centre

“I did try to take you to see your dad when you were little and he wasn’t very reliable or a good enough example for you. If he gets in touch, I’ll let you know, of course, but until then maybe we could play with Uncle x?”

Stop contacting him, he clearly doesn’t care.

I have tried to arrange so many times for him to have some contact with him and he always lets him down.

Why is it you trying to arrange it? You're blurring the lines of who is responsible for what and making yourself responsible for his behaviour (that codependent pattern you noted that kept you in the relationship is still there and needs addressing in your mindset).

You need to differentiate here between this man not bothering to see his child versus you actively stopping him. They are not the same thing but by continuing to hold yourself responsible for his behaviour and trying to fix him and get him to be a decent father you've blurred the two.

You simply correctly putting the responsibility on him to make effort and be responsible for his own behaviour (rather than you trying to constantly force him) is in no way you "stopping" him and it helps nobody for it to be inaccurately painted that way.

I don't think you've actually stopped trying to fix him so perhaps that is something you need support with. No shame in that. It takes a long time to process and unravel these things.

There is also a separate question of whether it is in your child's best interests to have contact with a toxic person at all costs.

Wanting him to have a father is one thing, but is a father someone who is emotionally neglectful and abusive? No. So what is the purpose of pushing your son into that situation? Those are the questions to ask yourself when you feel overwhelmed or pecked by self doubt.

You need to separate out your dreams of a happy family and healthy positive father-son relationship - and your grief about that loss - with the reality that it is not possible. Which is sad but won't be changed by you chasing contact with a toxic man.

Do you want your son to have an abusive relationship at 6 years old? I'm sure you don't, but that's what his relationship with this man amounts to.

Please also remember that providing your son with truthful age appropriate information about his father's behaviour and the unacceptability of it - without covering, minimising or making excuses - is really important for your son to understand the situation, to understand the rejection is not his fault, to understand that he deserves better and is lovable, to understand this isn't normal, and to protect himself in future.

Otherwise he'll internalise it as his fault, that he's unlovable, think it's ok to treat people this way and potentially build up a fantasy that his father is wonderful and start incorrectly blaming you for the behaviour. Which would be all the more tragic when your covering up was an attempt to avoid that outcome!

"Badmouthing" is giving false, emotional, manipulative info based on your feelings. That would be wrong but it's not the case here and it's really important your son receives accurate info in order to mitigate the harm caused and enable him to protect himself.

That's the advice DV professionals give. Children need accurate information when one parent behaves like this man otherwise it causes even more harm.

Well done for exiting the relationship and all the work you've put in since. It's ok to keep seeking support for your son and yourself from experts and professionals even years down the line so please don't feel you can't.

How about your Exdp parents? Are they in volved? Could you get them on board?

@Thehop

“I did try to take you to see your dad when you were little and he wasn’t very reliable or a good enough example for you. If he gets in touch, I’ll let you know, of course, but until then maybe we could play with Uncle x?”

Yeh exactly. Truthful and age appropriate.

Thankyou again everyone.

@wisteriaandwhine that really hit home for me. I do think I need to accept that there isn’t going to be the father- son relationship that I want them to have. I have always said, he contributes nothing to my sons life, but I’ve always wanted him to have a “dad”. And you’re right it will be toxic.

Exp aren’t involved at all…they weren’t when I had him. They just aren’t very nice people, but high doesn’t bother me as they are the ones missing out.

It is so hard deciding what I need to do, but I think you’re all right I just need to be honest with my little boy in a way what he understands. Thank you all again xx

Think of it as protecting your son rather than keeping him from someone. Remember how hard you found it being in contact with this man, and ask yourself, would you really put a vulnerable child in that position?