To expect friend to get over it...

[purplenightie]

NC for this one, just in case long-ish one sorry!

I have a friend, friends for a long time. But recently she's started to use me as someone she calls or sees practically every evening, to moan to and vent.

I'm not exaggerating, every time we speak there is something upsetting her/ some kind of problem. And it's usually something very trivial/daft. Of course I try my best to listen and help with a resolution but sometimes it just gets too much.

Well recently she has called, said she was upset and she hates her career. I was already in a bad mood this day but this just made me think 'great, what is it now?' I laughed and told her come on, it can't be that bad. One day you love it the next you hate it...

She took great offence to this and started getting angry with me. At this point I just hung up before saying something I'd regret.

I've messaged since and apologised, and explained my POV. I've just had quite a nasty and rude message back to say I've no compassion/I don't care/ etc etc.

AIBU to expect her to understand and get over it a little? I don't want to hear negativity and trivial complaints every day, I suffer with my MH and sometimes it just brings me down and makes me feel crap after a relatively good day.

I wouldn't have apologised! She sounds very draining.

I'd just accept her reaction.
It sounds like you were in a pattern of her venting and you propping her up. And when one day you didn't have enough in your tank for this dynamic, she got offended and stropped off?

Channel the vibe that you aren't a free therapist, you don't always have enough positivity to cheer others around you up. Sometimes you need your positivity to get your SELF over the finish line.

Leave it there. If there are aspects of the friendship you value then great but no harm to try and change gears. If the friendship survives the gear change that would be good. But if she wants you as a free therapist and gets offended that you won't be on hand to lift her every single time she calls, then can you cope with that anyway?

@Janaih thanks, I'm glad you see it like that too. It is so mentally draining, like I try to be empathetic but sometimes I just bloody can't when I've got bigger issues than my boss upset me

@StillCalmX

That's exactly the type of thing I wanted to say to her but couldn't get the words out to send to her. Thank you for that. If she does come back I'm going to go with something along those lines.

Usually things are great, we have a laugh together and I like the friendship. Sometimes it's just too much and I'm not sure if there'll be any coming back from this now which is making me a little sad

@purplenightie

I'm currently dealing with something very similar. A huge bust up last year, after I said no to something she was demanding I do, allowed me time to think and reflect. I've realised as long as I didn't ever expect any support in return we were good, as long as I was doing what she wanted and never told her no we were good. It's actually escalated in the past couple of weeks and I've made the decision to step away from the friendship. The fallout isn't pretty.

As far as I'm concerned friendships should be a two way street, not one person shouldering all the mental load then being made out to be horrible if they no longer have the energy to do it or need a little help themselves.

@ILoveYou3000

It's difficult isn't it, sorry you're going through similar. Don't get me wrong, she is there for me when needed but I'm not the type to ring friends at every minor inconvenience. I do feel like I'm taking the mental load from her and adding more to mine

@purplenightie and @ILoveYou3000

Hang in there! You are both doing really well about maintaining boundaries. It feels very uncomfortable when people push back but stay strong, you can do this. And you'll create a vacancy for a better friend!

Sometimes you need your positivity to get your SELF over the finish line

Wow. That's powerful.

Some really great posts here

its ok to stop being friends with someone. You sound like you don't get anything out of this relationship with her