AIBU or is she taking advantage?

[Strawberriesandkiwis]

We've just had a newborn. We also have two other young kids. My MIL travelled down to help as I also had a c section and recovery is obviously slower. Using her own words, I "wouldn't need to lift a finger", which I never expected or would've ever accepted, but it was still nice of her to say so. Anyway, she's here now and literally does NOTHING. It's like having another child in the house. We cook AND serve ALL meals for her or get a takeaway which she doesn't chip in for. She doesn't even get herself a drink, she waits to be asked. Then she'll be all lovely, "Oh that was delicious, oh thank you." She knows exactly how to play it as she says anything in a sing song voice to appear pleasant. She knows I'm still in slight pain from the operation but doesn't react or even look up when I'm emptying the washing machine, tidying up around her, putting her rubbish in the bin, etc. She's glued to the sofa and her phone in particular. Once or twice she's carried some plates into the kitchen. She knows where our dishwasher is but that's obviously too much trouble. 🙄 She's also vacuumed the living room once, and stayed with the older kids a couple of times for a brief while when we've had to pop to an appointment for the baby. She's bought baby some non expensive gifts. That's all. Literally. Her offers to help seem very insincere and she often says she was GOING to do this and that for us but there's always a "but". As a house guest I personally just do things without being asked, especially when I'm in someone's busy family home with a baby too. Can someone really be this oblivious? I feel hurt and used, then think I'm overreacting the next minute. She still has teenagers at home so I can't help but think she's treating this as a break as she was able to come alone. She's constantly being very nice and pleasant but me and my partner have come to the conclusion it's just to mask her laziness. She's constantly yawning loudly too, even though we are the ones up at night with the baby. AIBU? How do I get her to leave? It's been a long week!!!

Your partner needs to tell her it's time for her to go home. I wouldn't be too diplomatic about it either

Start asking her directly to do things. Don’t wait for her non-appearing offer.

“I’m glad you enjoyed lunch. It’s so kind of you to come and help us out while the baby is so new. I’ve got to do x now so I’ll leave you to tidy up and load the dishwasher while I do.”

“We were up for hours in the night with the baby so we’ll be too tired to cook tonight. It would be lovely to have one of your fab lasagnes for dinner. Everything you’d need is in the fridge already. It would make such a difference to us.”

She’ll either be shamed into getting off her arse, or go home and complain to anyone who will listen that brand new parents wouldn’t wait on her hand and foot any longer. Either way, you win

Either you or your partner need to tell her to go home. It should be your partner but if he won’t take the initiative then it needs to be you.

She sounds bloody useless and has just come to your home for a break. The sing song voice sounds familiar (my MIL does this) and she’s not nice.

Honestly?? Just tell her to go! Say you need some space and time to recover.

I think your partner should tell her time is up and she needs to go home. But if that's not working quickly enough give her jobs and ask her. Use her own tactic of saying things lightly "MIL could you just stack the dishwasher and switch it on please" "MIL can you pop the dinner on please, I was thinking fish fingers and peas for all of us, it's in the freezer". Don't let her procrastinate! If she say "I was going to do that but..." just say "Oh well don't worry about that, but if you could just it would be fab". In my experience enough of these jobs and she'll be on her way home for a rest.

This reminds me of the episode of Motherland when the main characters in laws come over to help but actually make more work for her.

Your mil can't be very old or infirm if she has teen-agers at home .... she's taking the piss. Don't offer her anything, just say help yourself. But yeah if she's creating more work for you she needs to go...you have enough on your plate.

I agree with others.

If you don’t feel comfortable asking her to load the dishwasher as you’re in pain and the baby needs seeing to (or whatever) then her son will need to tell her, or tell her to leave.

I know how you feel, as I had someone comment it was nice to have meals cooked for her, when she had actually come to help me post op.

I agree with @MrsTulipTattsyrup that you need to get your pro-active hat on and start asking for help. Maybe she’s waiting for you to ask, and doesn’t want to intrude (although it doesn’t sound like this).

I don't understand why you are doing chores? Just leave it all, don't do anything for her, or for DH.

Just sit back and concentrate on you and the baby.

Oh, and get DH to tell her it's been lovely but she can go home now.

Read this out to my DP and he said straight away he’d have sat her down and asked her to go home.
It can be done nicely as you guys will want to have some family time with the new baby and their siblings alone.

Tell her to get the hell out and go home.

What does your DH say?

He needs to get her to leave pronto.

No advice. Lots of sympathy.
Hope she leaves soon

Have you said any of the above to your DH and asked him to tell her to go? She has to go or start pulling her weight. Better if your DH tells her to go but if she hasn't started to help by lunchtime tomorrow, you tell her to go. Say "Thanks Jane for coming to help but we've got everything under control now. You can go home and we'll let you know when you can visit again" and make sure she packs her bags and goes.

How has your DH not noticed that she hasn't lifted a finger or done anything to help you or him???

My mother pulled this shit when she came to "help" me with my high needs baby (albeit not a newborn) and she was everywhere but home with me, supposedly helping! She would say "Sorry,EKGEMS, I'm not with your father so I'm going to take advantage of that" and would ask my sister who also came, to drive her around versus her helping me too!" She would then expect us to cook and serve meals when she was actually there for a week and might carry her plate to the sink. LI never forgot that or forgiven her-my late DGM (her DM) found out and gave her a chewing out on the phone awhile later-think my sister relayed the events of that week

My mum was like that. You have my sympathy. You’d probably feel better if she just went home, just get DH to tell her nicely that you’d don’t need her ‘help’.

This sounds awful! Why do people think that just after having a baby is a good time to stay in someone's house! I've managed to talk my mil into coming about a week after I give birth so I have some time to heal as I know she won't help me either! I hope I don't have to have a C section as that will fuck my plan up
Just why do they do it at least with your own mum you can't tell them to fuck off

"She still has teenagers at home so I can't help but think she's treating this as a break as she was able to come alone. She's constantly being very nice and pleasant but me and my partner have come to the conclusion it's just to mask her laziness. She's constantly yawning loudly too, even though we are the ones up at night with the baby. AIBU? How do I get her to leave? It's been a long week!!!"

I mean this kindly, I really do, but - why the fuck are you and your partner so passive? Why have you not said to her things like 'Ooh, I need you to empty the washing machine / cook dinner /get off your arse and deal with your own rubbish because I'm in too much pain right now. Thanks!' Any hesitation on her part to be met with 'but you said I wouldn't have to lift a finger!'. (If you can wail plaintively or cry at that point, I would.)

Seriously - why are you and your partner being so passive?

Get her to go home. She's not going to help you and she's in the way there. So sorry you thought you were going to get help - she's behaving really badly.

but doesn't react or even look up when I'm emptying the washing machine, tidying up around her, putting her rubbish in the bin, etc.

Why isn’t your partner doing this if you’re in pain?

Thank you for your comments. My partner and I share looking after the kids, the baby and housework 50-50 so I have no complaints about his input. There's always a lot to do. But like I said now it's like we have a 4th child. I feel awkward about telling her to do stuff. I request her help with small things but anything else falls on deaf ears. It's useful to have her here to babysit the older kids when needed which is why I'm tempted to let her stay a bit longer but I just feel so annoyed about the housework aspect. She's lazy at home too, so don't think this is anything unusual. But this time she's even lazier than during any of her previous visits. I think she's also addicted to her phone and doesn't realise what's going on around her sometimes. She's just manically scrolling for hours on end and it's honestly really sad. Partner agrees with me about her behaviour but similarly feels weird about raising it with her. I think we'll just send her home.