To feel so insecure?

[Tzeench]

His ex is coming over tomorrow, for the first time in over a year, without me (never met her in person). They used to be together for more than a year, he considered marrying her. Last time he met her and we were not quite yet exclusive, she still wanted more, despite her being in a relationship and his only objection was that he didn't want to be a relationship wrecker, so HE said no. It's since broken off and she is now single, but we've been together for over a year.

He keeps insisting she's just a friend and he'd never go there again. I am so worried. Please talk sense into me, the alcohol may distort things a bit. Yes, he knows how I feel, but he values their friendship, too. She is coming over to his and staying there for a few hours. I do trust him, but I have been burnt so many times... Please talk sense into me?

Why is she coming over?

She lives a good while away and they remained friends...

YNBU to feel insecure. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t trust him or anything is going to happen between them. It may well just be friendship. I would feel more comfortable about it myself if they were meeting in a pub or other neutral venue.

Don't think of yourself as insecure.
The unsettled feeling is your instincts your gut there is a possible enemy in town.
I wouldn't be comfortable with this.
Unfortunately if he's going to go nothing you can do about it.

So the only reason he didn't take it further last time was because she was in a relationship...and now she's single and going round to his for a few hours. Really?

If he knows she's still got a thing for him, he just shouldn't be encouraging her or seeing her. It's an ego boost to him and disrespectful to you.

Why aren't you there ?

If this is someone who he is friends with, and wants to remain friends with, then why wouldn't you both be there to greet her / have lunch / spend some time getting to know her and for all parties to be able to reassure you there is no threat ?

I think it is a natural response for you to feel insecure. Being friends with an ex you once nearly married is less usual, I feel that they will both be working out if there is still something there. Sorry.

I don't think this is reasonable of him, actually. She's a too recent, too serious ex to come over and spend time alone with him at his place.

I'd be telling him that I had a real issue with this and if he was going to go ahead then I'd be reconsidering the relationship with him. Yes, he can decide that he wants to spend a few hours with his ex.

But you can decide whether that might be worth dumping him for. Only you can decide what your boundaries are.

OP- absolutely do not allow this. The one that got away is literally coming to his house for a few hours now that she’s single. He’s seeing what his options are. So disrespectful !

You have to distract yourself, give him the space to socialise and catch up. Keep busy. You'll only learn to trust him if you give him a chance to prove his worth. Being around him all the time on in constant contact won't build trust.

I wouldn't be ok with this either.. why weren't you invited to meet her if theyre just friends ? It's a bit off ..

She's single and coming to visit your boyfriend. Just him and her. Last time they met she wanted more despite being in a relationship. Now she's single I dread to think...
I wonder how your boyfriend would feel if the situation was reversed and you were meeting an ex who had the hots for you and wanted more. He's hardly showing you much respect and she will think that he doesn't give two hoots about you if he's happy to have her over. Unfortunately she'd be correct.

I wouldnt put up with this. Just friends you say…. And you are not invited… nope!

I have my children here. He deferred their day to a time he wasn't pre-booked in with me (she is in the area and he said not last weekend because he was with me). He also say if she tries anything he'll throw her out. But I am so uncomfortable. He knows this, but isn't willing to give up this friendship. They were friends before embarking on a relationship and he says the fact she broke it off means he'd never consider her that way again. But I can't help but feel unnerved.

I’m sorry OP but he’d rather make you feel uncomfortable than give up seeing her. It’s completely disrespectful to you and he’s showing you who his priority is. Trust your gut on this one

You ANBU to feel unnerved, but you can't do much about it, except wait and see the fallout. If she tries to become a regular visitor, or "tries anything" I would have to put my foot down, he has to respect your feelings as his current partner.

How are you OP? How did their meetup go?

@Tzeench how did it go?

She left about 2 hours ago.

Well, while she told him about how a friend apparently inappropriately came onto her while she was in the area, other than that he said she made no moves and nothing happened. He just wants me to trust him, but I've been cheated on by someone with their female friend before, so am wary, just glad she's gone.

I don't know why they couldn't have just gone to the pub for a catch up

I wouldn't be impressed at all and I don't think I am a jealous person.

I think I wouldn't have said anything but I would be very wary of him.

You told him you weren't happy and he motored on. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Difficult one.
He is entitled to see who he wants to see but for me I would be wary of him keeping his options open.