Aibu to hate family visits?

[RobynRedhead]

We have family round next week and I'm dreading it. One is super critical in a jokey way, but having not seen them for a long time due to covid, I've realised they're actually just a bit of a prick. If I pull them up on it they then make me feel like I'm being unreasonable. They treat me like I'm a silly little girl and judge my kids and how we parent them or what they are doing. Some of it is ignorance (my kids have AN) but that's neither here nor there when they make comments right in front of them.

I also hate people in my house as I hate having no control on my space being invaded. I get family that can't get away quick enough and I wonder why they even bother coming tbh, then others who long outstay their welcome and stress us all out because I don't have the confidence to tell them to leave (my fault I know).

Next mth we are seeing more family, one of whom is frequently rude to me and other family members have apologised on their behalf to me before.

Anyhoo, lockdown has made me realise I'm really not missing anything by not having these people physically in my life but my kids have very little family so I'd don't want to cut them out completely (and all live far away so we rarely see them physically anyway). Can someone point me in the direction of how I woman up and deal with these people when I do have to see them?

Think of the positives rather than focusing on the negatives, I think there may be a song about that

Or meet them out the home, at a cafe or something, and then you can limit the time you see them.

I have a similar issue. Dh has extended family that visits, outstay their welcome and are very entitled. I’ve managed to hold off one visit but the next one I have to grin and bear I think - tbh I just smile and nod or don’t engage much. Dh needs to set boundaries. I’ve told him this.

I don't have the answers OP, but I have realised I feel similar about some of my family since lockdown ended. I used to see them every weekend and I have found during lockdown, I am so much more relaxed without seeing them so often.

I suppose the "good thing" is that they are overly cautious about covid (although they are like that about everything and it usually drives me mad!). So they don't want to meet up too often.

Why do you invite them to your house? Why not arrange to meet them elsewhere, for a pub lunch? As for the one who is rude to you, why would you agree to have them over? Just stand up for yourself and say no if they try to invite themselves. Say you are busy, or be honest and tell that person you have no interest in seeing them as they are so rude to you. Fuck it, you really don't have to put up with shit from other people. Why not contact them all and say there's a change of plan and you can meet them in X pub/restaurant next week instead of your house.

This has come up loads of times on MN. It seems that you can go one of two ways. Either question them about their remarks, in order that those remarks become very noticed and they see how awful they sound. Or ignore. Personally I prefer the former .

Give us an example and we can help on here. Posters have great imaginations!

But you do have to alter your mind first too. Believe that you are doing your best for your child, your life, whatever and these people have no right criticising. Be strong in your heart .

Also, what is AN?

What's AN? If you're getting ignorant remarks about it, perhaps you can think of a few short responses which explain more about it?

I'd suggest choreographing the visit. Ask what time they are planning to arrive and what time they are planning to leave (not so you want to get rid of them obviously, just so as you can understand how to organise the day). Once they've said they are leaving at 4, it will be in their head, plus when it gets close to the time, you can star saying things like "of course you'll be going soon".
Plan the structure of the day so it might be that they arrive and have a cup of tea and you make small talk about their journey, the weather and haven't the children grown. Plan uncontroversial conversation topics in advance and move onto them if things get uncomfortable. Then it might be you have lunch and go for a post lunch walk, getting home to have tea and cake and then they head off. Or whatever. Basically some structure to the day.

I think there comes a time when you have to ask "what is the point? Is this worth it for me?"
I have come to this point with a family member and I am sad. I am dreading the conversation when they suggest coming to mine again.
This time I will have to say to them, "no, sorry, when you get here, you don't seem to enjoy it. Everyone was stressed last time and there was no point to that."
They've "turned" 3-4 times over the years and I just can't pretend it's ok, because nobody gets anything out of it. It would all be a big pretence to continue.
Your time is not a renewable source.

AN is additional needs.

OP there are many people who like you have been glad not to see family. I have missed mine though.

YANBU

I hate having anyone in my house.

Just arrange to meet at a park/cafe/restaurant instead.

And if these people really are so horrible, you don't have to see them at all, just because they are family is pretty lame.

YANBU.

Meet them outside and then you have control of when you leave.

And you don't need them in your life just because they are family.

they sound nasty

just cancel & don't have them over.

If you are uncomfortable with people in your home, meet them elsewhere. Organise a day out in a national trust or something.

One is super critical in a jokey way
play MN bingo. Prepare a list of all the twatish comments and tick them as you go. It will make the day a lot more fun.

We have a large house. My husband has a very large extended family. My husband’s family feeling entitled to be in my home and using our amenities whenever they feel like it. The problem is, it’s actually my house and my husband’s family consistently refer to it only as his house. It’s so territorial and so disrespectful. They also turn up unannounced or arrange it and stay for days and days. None of them live far away. They make such mess and it is such an invasion.

So, I feel your pain OP. But you either have to stand up for yourself to these nasty relatives or change plans to meet in a neutral area from which you can leave in your own time.

"One is super critical in a jokey way
play MN bingo. Prepare a list of all the twatish comments and tick them as you go. It will make the day a lot more fun."

I don't agree. I think they should be challenged and told that their comments aren't appreciated.

I would flat out refuse to have people staying in my home, even those I liked. You're clearly getting nothing out of it but stress. Can you make up some sort of last minute emergency to get out of it l? If not, make this the last time and don't organise any more visits to your house. Just straight up tell them that lockdown has made you realise how much you like your own space. These days I'm always very upfront about our antisocial I am and it saves a lot of hassle and excuse making.

@Onairjunkie that sounds horrific! Could you start your own post and we can make a collective effort to help you bring an end to this nightmare?

@Ponoka7

"One is super critical in a jokey way play MN bingo. Prepare a list of all the twatish comments and tick them as you go. It will make the day a lot more fun."

I don't agree. I think they should be challenged and told that their comments aren't appreciated.

I would, but most people find it hard to confront others, especially family, in real life.

[quote Chamomileteaplease]@Onairjunkie that sounds horrific! Could you start your own post and we can make a collective effort to help you bring an end to this nightmare? [/quote]
I hope I didn’t derail with a me-me-me post. 🤭 it is awful. I feel for the OP. I almost posted the other day because they turned up unannounced, would not fucking leave, my kid was sick and feverish and they FaceTimed my BIL so they could shove the camera in my sick baby’s face. I then told them to leave as I was completely stressed and they stormed off. They hate me so I don’t have much to lose but it’s still really hard to call them out on their boundary stomping.

Sorry OP, Christ, I did it again.

I feel very similar op. Learnt that I'm not missing the people haven't seen during lockdown. Sounds harsh but I feel we seen people just because we felt like we had to before covid and now we don't!

It's been a nice 18 months because I haven't had to worry about mil turning up unannounced!

I used to host our family get togethers. One too many rows and tantrums. I decided that I wasn't willing to host anymore. Nobody else wanted to either. Now we share the cost to hire a hall and partly because that sets limits on our time together it's improved things. It also means most of us have to drive so there is less focus on alcohol.

Don't worry @Onairjunkie we're all in it together

AN = additional needs. It can be difficult to go out and meet elsewhere.

Rude person is never invited to my house. I see them at extended family get togethers (as much as I try and avoid them when there).

Bingo sounds fun!