AIBU to expect Ex to bathe the children?

[bathemydc1]

Ex lives with his partner and her 4 year old daughter. They stay with him 3 days and me 4 days. Sometimes they’ll stay longer if I’m doing something, or during lockdown it was one week on one week off. Anyways when they stay with for a full week, he barely bathes them. I’ll give them a bath before they leave my house, and the next time they have a bath will be at my house when they come back even though they’ve been staying at his house for a week.

For example, they had a bath at my house on Sunday and I did the school run on Monday, he picked them up and they’ve been at his house since. I just picked them up from school today, Friday. And they’ve not had a bath.

He’s a good dad in the sense that he loves his children, provides for them and sees them as much as me. They are very close, but he’s just very lazy. Which is why I left him. I know his partner does the majority of the housework and childcare. He often plays PS4 all night, and will sleep til 3-4pm. Life is the same, he’s just in a different house lol.

I’m currently doing training for my new job, so they’ve been staying at his house more.

I wanted to ask, AIBU to expect ex to bathe the children at least few times a week if they’re staying for a whole week? Or at least once in the 3 days they stay with him. He will if I remind him, but then he goes back to his old ways .

You need to tell him straight. He needs to plonk them all in the bath straight after the girlfriends CHild has her bath at 6pm. The bath is already filled, chuck them in, rub a dub dub, done. He’s a lazy shite. Tell him it needs to happen.

I'll just have to continue texting ex every other day to remind him about it I guess 🙄

No.
Just stop.
You don't run his life.
With him they with him.
Just start teaching dc why and how to shower. How to shower alone safely Tell them they can tell dad "I am taking a shower now can I get a towel please"
Teach your dc.
You cannot micromanage your ex.

@helpmewiththisnew

Yes but surely the step mum bathing her own DC would remind him or she'd put the younger ones in together? I couldn't live with someone who neglects their kids and whilst I know the step mum isn't responsible I think it's very unfair to not care that kids haven't washed for a week.

She might care but it's not up to her. If dad is happy for them to not wash that's up to him. And it's not her place to start giving the younger ones baths together, she'd get it in the neck for trying to replace their mother or something stupid like that.

I'll just have to continue texting ex every other day to remind him about it I guess 🙄 you can but you have no say on what happens in his house. If he wants them to go to school smelly that's up to him.

Who is telling you this?
Him or dc?
Do they brush teeth clean anything?
Are they smelly or dirty?
At 8 and 7 they can say "dad can I have a bath"?
Do they change underwear each day?
Have school commented?

I agree with embrace life.
Is this really a problem? Or does this irk you because you are still pissed off that he still hasn’t stepped up?

My kids only bathed once a week when young. Bathing more frequently provoked eczema. They had clean clothes, brushed teeth and didn’t smell.

This actually makes me feel really sad Bathtime at that age is great fun and bonding. It's neglectful of him and you are absolutely not being unreasonable. I would have kicked him to the kerb on it straightaway. Poor kids.
You need to sort this out with him asap, or take them back with you until he gets off his gaming and starts acting like a proper person.

Bathtime at that age is great fun and bonding

for you maybe. Bath time at the weekend is fine but it’s a chore any other time of the week.

And it’s not neglectful you not bathe them for 3 or four days. It’s lazy as fuck sure, but not neglectful. You can’t withhold contact because he doesn’t bathe the kids as often as you’d like.

Is he really smelly himself? If he has poor personal hygiene it’s not a surprise he can’t be arsed washing the kids. Teach the kids to it them selves.

My friend has this problem. Except in her case it's the DC's mum that doesn't wash them. Fortunately her DH is very hands-on and wrestles them into the shower as soon as they come home. It's not left to her to fix - sounds like your ex's new missus has good boundaries. My friend sees this as something the parents need to deal with as it's a sensitive issue.

I think you have to slowly teach the dc to mange it. Mine are 9 & 7 and we’ve had a similar issues with personal care, hair not being brushed etc. It resulted in a tangle so bad that dd’s hair had to be cut from bra strap length to a chin length bob.

@Tiramiwho

This actually makes me feel really sad Bathtime at that age is great fun and bonding. It's neglectful of him and you are absolutely not being unreasonable. I would have kicked him to the kerb on it straightaway. Poor kids. You need to sort this out with him asap, or take them back with you until he gets off his gaming and starts acting like a proper person.

A t age two or three maybe. Bathtime is s not bonding at 7 and 8 they just need heads popping round door to check

And op cannot dictate what goes on on his watch in his time

unless actually neglectful in which case can report

Kids that age don't need a bath any more than once a week, unless they're doing something which is making them particularly dirty. So if they're staying at his for a week they should be having a bath, but if they're only at his 3 days, unless you haven't bathed them, they won't need one. Maybe it would be ideal if you'd split the bathing responsibility so one week you'd do it, one week he would (unless the days of the week you each have them mean they need one more with one of you, e.g. you have them Saturday when they go swimming, it would make sense for you to give them their weekly bath after swimming each week)

They should be having a wash, changing underwear, cleaning teeth and brushing their hair (if applicable) each day. But the recommendation for that age range is only one-two baths a week (from the American dermatologists association)