AIBU to be upset with my husband

[Bonny00]

I took one of the kids yesterday to their hobby and was out for 1.5hrs, when i returned the house was a mess, tbh it has been a mess over a weekish with small clean ups only, i have been having health issues and going between a and es and doctors- dishes in the sink, toys all over the living room, food stains, crumbs on the sofa, i asked my husband has he been downstairs on the sofa all the time while i was put, on Nintendo, he said yes, i said you could have tried to tidy up a bit, i forgot yesterday its my birthday today. This morning i was first to go downstairs,cat litter needed changing, bin emptying, started doing dishes, started tidying up the living room, mopping the floors etc missed 3x calls from my parents to wish me happy birthday, baby was getting grumpy waiting for something to chew on.. by the time my husband came down i was upset, i told him straight im disappointed he didnt think it is my birthday today and try to tidy up, he said its my job he did the dishes2x yesterday (we have 4 young children at home at all times so dishes need cleaning up throughout the day), he said he works full time (from home), pointing to everything around him-this is for me to deal with and he decided if he wants to help or not. So he went outside and i thought to bring a cake/flowers from the car and was still upset and ready to tell him why bother i will be too busy doing housework to enjoy the day, he went to put the bin out for bin collection. I got a card tho. Do i need to calm down or what?

He’s an arsehole. It’s not up to him as to how and if he helps!
Maybe it can be up to you whether or not you wash his clothes/make his dinner? You’re a team and once he’s not working he pitches in.

What an ass

To contrast:

My husband was up before me today, went to the shop to get bread, put out the bins, fed the cat and unloaded the dishwasher.

He's working today and I'm not.

I do plenty on my days off too, lots of jobs lined up for today but I'm also going to enjoy lunch out with a friend while he stays in for an electrician.

Your husband doesn't respect you.

pointing to everything around him-this is for me to deal with and he decided if he wants to help or not.

This attitude would thoroughly piss me off. I'm picturing an air of disdain that he thinks menial work is beneath him.

Remind him that if you divorced and he lived alone he'd have to clean up after his kids as well as work.

Just stop doing stuff for him, leave his clothes, don't cook his food - fuck him

What are his redeeming features?

Why are you with him?

If you divorced him would he be living in a shit hole because his slave left and it’s not his job to clean up after himself?

Do you have a job, I’d be seriously considering leaving the dickhead.

You are not being unreasonable; it sounds like it would have been a difficult situation on a regular day- its so much worse that this happened on your birthday.

It sounds like all you got in the end was a card? It's not about big expensive presents, but you should get to feel loved and respected on your birthday of all days

He's lazy. My husband woke up at 4am yesterday to work a busy and stressful NHS frontline job and even though he came home very tired in the evening he was still keen to do stuff around the home. Took the milk bottles out, planned some family days out for us, cleaned up after himself - didn't once need to ask him, he just wanted to get on with it. I hope your situation improves soon op

Think about the message this will send out to your children as they grow.

What a twat.

Running a house and raising a family is all about teamwork. He pitches in with as much time and effort as you do, or he's not on the team.

Some men just don't get it. It's "women's work".

I don't know how you make him understand this if he's not prepared to step up. Except to stop clearing up after him. He can cook his own food, wash his own clothes, etc., while you look after you and the children.

If he thinks your role is "no-value women's work" then let him find out exactly how much "nothing" you're doing.

We have had battles over thsi before, 2 weeks ago, i was breastfeeding the baby and we were in a caravan and planned to start packing in the evening, my husband made a comment along the lines of me taking the mic lieing on the sofa. Just before that we had a busy day out and 2nd feed since morning when thr baby fed in leisurely pace taking all the time she needs, my husband was like why does she feed for an hour is it me just wanting to lie on the sofa, i told him she can feed as long as she likes,shes teething so the "feeding" is also for comfort.

As for him taking care of himself, he lived on his before i moved in with him, he also says in arguments he dosent need me to be his mum or take care of him he will do his own laundry, wash his own dishes etc.. but it kinda misses the point. Last week some old acquaintance called him up while i was on my way to a and e, he told me its difficult to get time off work but will take me, i asked when i was in the waiting room what was the phone call about, he said he has arranged to meet up with an old friend in 2 days and no issue ofc with taking time from work for this.. i was then too upset, i knew housework was going to take a hit, he was also so confident i didnt need any help or how my health was going to be, its been a week since thay incident and my health issue is ongoing and being investigated. i told him if he was in hospital last thing on my mind would be making social appointments, he ended up cancelling at the last minute since i told him we seem to be drifting apart and im offended at his lack of concern

Frazzle his redeeming features i would say are he is kind, can be considerate and helpful but there are also sides i dont like and he has really highlighted them over the last 2 years (pay adult cam on Internet i found out by an accident, fake FB profile for adult chat etc). He promised these will never repeat but its like he lost something in my eyes that can never be regained and when he talks to me like this, its like another poster said, our children are also learning from this environment whats normal. When i say there are men who work full time and also share the housework he says he dosent know any his brother and father dont/didnt so if he does randomly dishes or takes a bin out im already better off than their partners.

When i say there are men who work full time and also share the housework he says he dosent know any his brother and father dont/didnt so if he does randomly dishes or takes a bin out im already better off than their partners.

Just because his standards of what a man should be are on the floor, doesn't mean yours have to be. You don't have to be grateful for the crumbs of 'help' he deigns to bestow upon you.

Putting milk bottles/bins out doth not maketh a man a good husband in any way at all. Did I really read further up thread that this man told the OP the housework was "her job" ? Bloody hell I would not give this man the time of day but realise the trap the OP may feel in, having young children and a breast feeding baby too so I hope his lordshit bucks his ideas up (not looking likely) because the road ahead is a hard one.

He's a CF. I wouldn't do anything for him. No washing of clothes, no dinners, no sex, nothing. If he can't be bothered to share the downside, he doesn't get to benefit from the upside either. Bastard.

Wow he sounds like a complete cunt. Let him do all his own stuff on his own in his own house.

How old are your 4 children OP?

He sounds so awful.

You (both) have 4 young children, including a bf baby, and you are unwell.
He should want to help you with things.
He is definitely not being kind now.

Paying for adult cam? What? And with everything else you still think he’s kind and considerate?

Not in my book

He’s not kind at all. Making social appointments with his mates whilst you’re in hospital.

Making you feel guilty he took you to the hospital but he’s fine to drop work to see his mates.

You’ve lost sight of what actual kindness is you P is not kind in the slightest. Watching his sick partner cook and clean not bothering to mark your birthday. Arguing with you on your birthday not cleaning his own shit up because it’s your job.

My DH cooks and cleans, I have some days I can’t be arsed he picks up the slack.

I was married to a dickhead like your P who told the courts during the divorce hearing I had treated him like a slave, because he may have once had to change his own child’s nappy. The judge was unimpressed with the ex.

Make plans get rid of him.

Mabelene in my eyes there was no explanation or excuse for it either, still isnt, i was at the time 4 weeks from due date high risk pregnant, i was so upset and it did affect my health, meds increased and no doubt the baby felt my stress too. I asked him at the time to leave, he spent couple of days at his mums, he first tried to tell me i was over reacting and he can spend 190 pounds on stuff like this over 2 months because its his money,he earnt it. When he returned from his mums he promised not to do this ever again, i think if person lacks morals or values in the first place,chance of doing it again is high, im not fooling myself there but i also do know next time he pulls it, unlikely, that im in a similar situation. He kind of had me between rock and a hard place.

He is at times kind and considerate and then other times turns into mannerless, inconsiderate, rude ogre, he says im expecting too much men dont do full time jobs and housework,im not expecting him to take on all but share until we are satisfied with the state of the house and retire together for the day.

My DH never thinks of helping at all, I blame his mum who was a typical 1950's housewife, housework is a woman's job etc. So his dad or brothers never helped with anything in the house.
I have found that one of the main things is that men think they are quite entitled to sit and do nothing while their wives sort out the house and children. Whereas we aren't entitled to do the same.
My method to get DH to help is to ask him to do xxx while I do xxx. ie: Can you mash the potatoes while I make the gravy then following on can you set the table while I drain the veg. Can you pick up the toys while I clear the chairs etc.
Try and get a few things following on so he hasn't got time to 'dissapear' in between.

I'd have locked the damn door when he took the trash out and told him the best birthday gift he could give you was to get the fuck out, permanently. Your definition of kind is very far from the norm. Raise your standards. You and your children deserve better.

This man does not respect you or your children. A good father is happy his baby is breastfeeding contentedly, a good partner does their fair share of caring for their home, does not do sleazy sexual things online. My father wasn’t like this and he was born in 1918! My husband works 12 hour night shifts yet still finds time to do bits in house without complaint, cuddle me & babies, appreciates me. You poor old thing, you really deserve so much more.

He’s a lazy knob. Take some steps to leave him

LTB