To be heartbroken about 8 year old's change in behaviour

[Pandaredbear]

Our son has just turned 8 and over the past few months I feel like his behaviour has changed so much. It could be just him growing up but I am just really looking for some reassurance as I feel so heartbroken about it.

Up until a few months ago, I was his whole world, he seemed to love me so intensely, would tell me multiple times a day he loved me, was very affectionate, and I could do no wrong. He was an absolute joy.

Over the past few months, he doesn't seem to care if I'm around or not, tells me to leave when he's busy doing something, never tells me he loves me and didn't even know whether he loved me really. No longer wants cuddles, doesn't seem to want to tell me anything e.g. when I ask him what he's been doing at school. Can come across as being so ungrateful for all that I do for him. If I disagree with something he wants to do then he will tell me I am the worst mother in the world. I could go on and on....

I just feel heartbroken....I would do anything to have that little boy back

It is very hard when they start to detach. 8 is quite young for the preteen aloofness though. Is there anything that's changed in his world that has had on effect on him or could something be troubling him like bullying at school?

It's hard to tell from your description whether this is normal OP. It sounds fairly dramatic, and sudden. My DS is just a little older. He used to be very clingy, coslept, cuddled alot, didn't want to be left etc. Now he's very independent. Will deign to give me a cuddle to humour me but definitely wouldn't ask for one. Has hidden anything babyish from his room. I think that's all part of growing up. That said he definitely still loves us and does express it. Albeit less often and less emphatically. He's grateful for things we do. He likes to spend time with us, but less than before, and also wants time alone now too.

Is your DS aware of how you feel, does he feel pressure to reassure you that you're loved and he's pushing back perhaps? Has there been any upheavel in his life?

No, nothing has changed. He always complains about going to school but is generally happy there.

@SaltAndVinegarSandwiches yes, that all sounds similar. I just don't know whether I am overreacting and this is just him growing up.

I hate you, you are the worst mum ever!

I hear that plenty! She does love me and she finds it when she needs me.

He's just growing up. You've been his world until now, but he's branching out, as is expected and normal. His friends will become more important. Don't take it to heart, however hurtful it seems. It feels like you've lost them, but it's only a long phase.

I would be concerned since its quite sudden. And would be worried there is something you don't know.

Has it started since they returned to school after the last lockdown? Or something like that?

But in all fairness getting to 8 while you are his absolute world, is fairly good going.

Ds went through a stage where he steeped back at about 6/7 wouldn't hold me hand, or cuddle me when people were around. Not snappy or anything just less affectionate. I let him get on with it and now at 10 he is quite cuddly again. Will sit on the sofa cuddled up or ask for cuddles.

But I would say I haven't been his world since about 6, tbh.

Sorry but YABU. I hate it when people think their kids owe them something, like their purpose in life is to just be cute, shower you with love and affection and make you feel worthy. He is a human, separate from you, trying to grow (eventually) into a man.

I had a great relationship with my mum until I was about 8, thought she was amazing. Then when I started growing up she didn’t know how to handle it and would get angry with me when she couldn’t control my every move. It seemed she wished I was still a young child but I was growing into a teenager, a woman. I desperately needed her support but she seemed to just be angry with me. She stopped being affectionate and I felt lost for a long time. I resented her for many years and have only recently gotten over it (I’m 33 now).

Please let him be his own person. Don’t stop loving him but give him the space and respect he needs. You can still be there for him without smothering him. Love is about letting someone grow into who they’re meant to be.

I think 8 is a bit young for that, I don't blame you for feeing

Sympathies op. My son is 9 and just the same. Really saw the shift at about 8. They do love you but the kind of adoration you got from them as a little child is naturally going to shift isn't it ? I miss it too.

Same as above from age 6 both my older boys became very independent in the sense they werent clinging to me in anyway and didn't tell me much about their day.

Sorry crap internet! Are you sure there's no issues at school? Getting ideas from older peers?

Unfortunately it happens, 8 is young as tends to be 11/12 but the rejection is hard, I feel your pain x

Tbh your "normal" sounds very very intense.

However, if this has really been a very sudden and nearly instant change I would be worried, because normally it happens a lot more gradually and you can "see" it coming.

However im learning to bond with my 8 year old in new ways. Sitting watching a funny film with him for example. He understands more grown up humour now. Deeper conversations. The relationship can still be strong but just different.

That sounds really difficult.

OP that sounds awful. I'm not looking forward to mine detaching from me, even though I know they have to. I love being their everything, like they are too me (even though they can be complete dicks sometimes!)

Mother of 3 grown DS here. Sympathy OP, been there felt the loss of the adoring little boy. If it helps, it does improve (eventually - when depends on the individual child) and I now have grown up DS who enjoy our company, willingly offer cuddles and tell me they love me. X

Detaching from parents and be coming more independent is a healthy developmental stage

Yes I loved it when my DC thought I was amazing. Now, they can barely tolerate me, but I try not to Take it too personally