AIBU to be pissed off

[PissedOffWithHusband]

NC for this

Earlier today, DH and I went to a builders merchant to place an order. The man behind the Perspex screen was wearing a mask so I asked my DH to remove his mask so that he could relay the conversation. For context, I have lost most of my hearing and rely on lipreading.

My DH had already called the builder's merchant a couple days ago and we knew they stocked the items we want. The man in the shop today was quite unhelpful, saying things like 'who told you we stock that?' and 'what was his name?' and 'we don't sell that'. I had all of the information written down, quoted the details, price etc and he then (miraculously) located what we wanted.

I then reeled off some other items to go in the order, and the shop assistant said along the lines of 'she knows what she wants'. I'm not sure my DH conveyed everything to me that was said, but they had a bit of back and forth 'male banter' while I just waited oblivious to what they were talking about.

Then, DH said to the man in response to some unknown comment - 'you see what I have to put up with' and they were both laughing.

After we left the shop, I said to DH that I didn't appreciate being the brunt of their 'joke' or DH making the comment about putting up with me. He became quite defensive. It's not the first time he's done this and I have asked him not to do it as it's disrespectful. His response is that he's teasing me.

I'm not privy to these jokes due to deafness and it feels as though the joke is at my expense.

AIBU to be annoyed about this?

YANBU.

I'd forgive it the once, maybe even twice, but if your DH is doing it frequently then he is clearly as ass. He knows it's disrespectful and it hurts you. He needs to stop.

The man at the shop sounds a right nob OP. To put it mildly.
Your DH probably joined in out of embarrassment - easier to do that than say nothing or contradict nobby especially as he was being awkward re. the order.
He took the easy option. Forgive him but tell him you’d rather he didn’t make pathetic ‘jokes’ about you to others in future.

Absolutely pathetic of them both.

Send a shitty letter in to their customer service about the shop obviously having zero interest in culivating a female clientele.

I had a similar situation a few years ago and called the manager, made a complaint about the rudeness of a particular man and told the manager not to worry I certainly wouldn't be troubling him with my business again and would spread the word too.

Rude patronising little prick when I was asking very reasonable questions about an electric shower..

Manager in fairness couldn't have been more apologetic.

What a nasty little betrayal from your H.

YANBU.

My OH does this all the time, and I just join in with the joke, and take the mick out of him the next time the opportunity arises, it's just our sense of humour. However, I can't help feeling that perhaps you're making more of this that you might have in the past, because you're struggling to hear what's going on, and are perhaps a bit sensitive about your difficulties. Or perhaps you and your OH just don't share the same sense of humour, which to me would make a life together really awful, but different strokes for different folks as the saying goes.

@PissedOffWithHusband, you have my complete sympathy. The number of people who think hearing loss is a joke, is astounding. How do you think your husband would feel, if you had a conversation with a BSL user about him, and he couldn't interpret all of it?

As a person who uses hearing aids, it makes me furious that some people still think it's a joke. My DD tried it once, and once only. I asked her if she'd find it quite so amusing if I was going blind? She never made a joke about my hearing loss again.

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard

My OH does this all the time, and I just join in with the joke, and take the mick out of him the next time the opportunity arises, it's just our sense of humour. However, I can't help feeling that perhaps you're making more of this that you might have in the past, because you're struggling to hear what's going on, and are perhaps a bit sensitive about your difficulties. Or perhaps you and your OH just don't share the same sense of humour, which to me would make a life together really awful, but different strokes for different folks as the saying goes.

I'm not newly deaf, I lost my hearing when I was 4-5 years old and now I'm in my 50's and honestly, I'm not sensitive about my hearing loss at all. In fact, there are lots of positives to it!

The difference now is that masks prevent lipreading.

My DF list his hearing over a few years, in his 50’s. He wasn’t sensitive about it, he found it isolating and marginalising as he couldn’t follow / fully participate in conversations.

Imagine how annoying it’d be if people were speaking about you, or making jokes about you, in a different language when you were standing right there.

OP, I’d be having words with DH in your shoes.

I would be livid at my DH if he did that

Thanks all for your replies.

I'm going to show this thread to him later. Hopefully there will be more replies before he gets from from work.

Losing your hearing is no laughing matter. It is marginalising as you don’t hear everything and miss parts of the conversation, made worse with the perplex screens and masks. I know this as I lot my hearing at the start of the first lock down. It’s also very hard for the people you spend a lot of time with, not being sure you've heard everything they have said, having to repeat themselves or checking with you that you've heard.

Telling cashiers that you cannot hear well helps some. Getting clear masks for those you spend a lot of time out with if you rely on lip reading really helps a lot. Plus, getting hearing aids. I got my nhs ones very quickly once appointments started back up and then upgraded to really amazing ones when more appointments became available at Specsavers.

I found writing out what you need on a list of having screens shots to show sales staff/cashiers really helps. While it was not ok what your DH has done, absolutely not ok - it’s worthwhile trying out various things that you can do to be more self reliant. I have found since getting my hearing aids my own children talk more to me and I feel much more included in general chat, I’m sure because it is less of a chore for others to communicate with me. Hoping that passing on these suggestions may prove useful for you too.

I would be livid too. Not as bad I know but DH made a joke about me costing him loads as I am such a shopaholic once to a bloke he'd just met. I was so shocked as 1) I hate shopping and rarely buy anything and 2) he was clearly prioritising a temporary urge to bond with his new buddy over my feelings and that's probably what your dh was mistakenly trying to do. 3)It was also a shit joke.

OP, please have a look at this. Hopefully it can offer some concrete advice to help you and for your DH to understand how he can better communicate with you too. It is from Action on Hearing Loss

rnid.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/General-comms-tips.pdf

God that's awful. A bloke in a shop being a dick is a non-event. But your husband mocking you while you're stood right there and can't hear him is awful, it feels like a major betrayal.