to ask for help with difficult colleague (teaching)

[crochetmonkey74]

OK, I am at the end of my tether- I have a colleague who I manage- he went for the job I currently have so I think this is where the problems come from.
He is incredibly negative and oppositional- everything I say is wrong, he picks up tiny problems in anything I send him. Everything other than his ideas he 'hates'
I have spoken to my line manager, he is known to be a 'difficult' member of staff- but it is really wearing me down to just be faced with complete negativity all the time- I can and have gone down the appraisal route - but it's his personality to be 'grumpy' so he's kind of slippery to pin down if you know what I mean. I know posters will come on here and say things like 'simply tell him, then disciplinary etc etc but it really will never come to that-it's a mindset and attitude problem rather than him not doing his job- has anyone had to manage someone like this? Any tips?

Not a helpful comment but my initial reaction is - thank goodness he didn’t get the job!
This sounds really draining. Do you get support from others in your team/do they find him difficult and uncooperative too?

There are quite a few good books on how to deal with difficult/ problem people at work- they talk about understanding what makes them tick and then have tips. I find them quite useful as they go into more detail then a MN post could and sometimes suggest phrases etc for your conversations. Might be worth a look?

@redcarbluecar

Not a helpful comment but my initial reaction is - thank goodness he didn’t get the job! This sounds really draining. Do you get support from others in your team/do they find him difficult and uncooperative too?

It's a bit of a split- he appears charming to some- so helpful/fun time Bobby style person but to others (hate to say it but middle aged women seem to bear the brunt) he is how I describe.

Draining is exactly the right word- he complains about the most basic of things - but not if they are his ideas- if they are mine, he hates everything- even really key bits of curriculum that are the building blocks of our subject

@domesticslattern

There are quite a few good books on how to deal with difficult/ problem people at work- they talk about understanding what makes them tick and then have tips. I find them quite useful as they go into more detail then a MN post could and sometimes suggest phrases etc for your conversations. Might be worth a look?

Yes, I've read a couple and watched some TED talks as well- he is definitely insecure and likes to be popular / praised so I have used this but I never seem to gain any ground with him- he never 'banks' any of my good treatment of him- he will revert to this over and over again

I had a boss like that . I found a big smile, tinkly laugh & 'ok Mr Grumpy' seemed to do the trick. I'd exhausted all other strategies tbh & observed the head PA doing this with her frankly much worse & terrifying boss who everyone feared & he lapped it up. She was the only person he'd laugh with & not treat horribly.

Ah, the nebulously disrespectful & awkward colleague - containing their ire in passive-aggression is that is very hard to pinpoint for appraisal/action plan/disciplinary purposes, but just as exhausting & undermining to deal with as plain old aggression.

I feel for you OP - & suggest you mind want to have a noodle around
www.askamanager.org/

You're bound to find some similar scenarios in the archives, but if you are still at the end of your tether, you could ask a question on that forum?

Failing that, spring out on him in the car park & roundly box his ears away from any prying eyes or cameras. *
Unfair?
Certainly. But only as unfair & plausibly-deniable as he is being toward you. And think of the satisfaction ...

( * I hope this was obvious - JOKE)

"he picks up tiny problems in anything I send him".

I think this may be yr issue OP. He is not happy he did not get the role and is now picking up on anything and everything you may possibly have wrong. He is trying to show that , if he had the job , he would not have created these "tiny" problems. He is unsubtly subtly trying to draw attention to the fact , that you may be making mistakes that he ordinarily would not have. He is basically saying, see i told you so!

(hate to say it but middle aged women seem to bear the brunt)

Draining is exactly the right word- he complains about the most basic of things - but not if they are his ideas- if they are mine, he hates everything- even really key bits of curriculum that are the building blocks of our subject

Oh for the love of Dog I suspected as much.
Wouldn't it be interesting to keep a very simple sheet with a binary tick-tally of all ideas or tasks suggested over a month!?

name of idea/task
Suggested by staff member (name)
//Grumpy approves // Grumpy disapproves//

& - even if only for your personal assurance that you are not wrong in your assessment of what's happening - it would be so easy for you to see the concrete facts of where Grumpy's approval is bestowed/withheld.

Of course, once that little notesheet bears out your theory, ANYBODY can see how biased Grumpy's compliance is.
How useful ...
{twirls moustaches}

I agree with the poster that said you have to keep notes. There is a manager where I work that has a direct report with the same attitude. Notionally they do their job, but actually only the barest minimum at best, make sly comments almost, but not quite, in ear shot. Will wriggle out of doing anything at all they don't like or think of first.

You need to play the long game. They need some very specific objectives that you measure often. You need a list of their snarky, pass-ag refusals or comments.

The day will come when you can pull the appraisal and list out out and tell them to fuck right off.

The list is important because you can be damn sure he's keeping one already.

Document everything.

Wow some brilliant ideas on here , thank you all so much. Will deffo ty askamanager.com I didnt even know it existed! Also love the tally chart as part of the issue is it's so insidious you doubt yourself , that will be so useful! I've tried the "ok mr grumpy" approach but it hasnt gone anywhere, he hasnt softened at all.

Also 'wriggling out of anything they didnt think of' is literally perfect in description of him

I'd agree with document everything. Send emails with tasks you need completing and deadlines.

In meetings/discussions if he is negative about things you suggest listen quietly and then ignore. Just say, Thanks for that, Jeff. However, I'd prefer it if we did it this way, so if you could just ensure you do so that would be great thanks.

Don't give him anything to get hold of. Lots of bland comments about I'm sorry you feel like that. Ok, moving on...

Try that.

Disentangle in your mind the two separate points: how he makes you feel, and how he actually does his job.
For the first, grow a thicker skin - you don't come to work to be friends with everyone, so stop trying. Just label him 'asshole' in your mind and don't give it any more of your energy.
For the second, document everything, and use the capability / disciplinary route as appropriate when you have the evidence.

I have had a similar scenario for a couple of yrs.A young man who is after my job.
He has ambition and is helpful to the senior men.
Works with me and reluctantly does the job or gives me the silent slamming treatment which is so draining.
Last week he admitted he wanted my job.Said he was the only one the manager recruited correctly.🤣
I am a middled aged woman in a male dominated world.
You have my sympathies.

Kill him with kindness 😅 don't indulge, if he starts in a non formal meeting, cut him down. 'Ok... save it for our next meeting and I can minute your points'. 'Thanks for your comments but this and this is happening'. ' I understand your frustration but Ofsted want...'

Do you have organisational codes of conducts, principles or behaviours/similar?

One of ours is team work, so that includes pulling your weight and another is along the lines of being positive to new ways of working and ideas, so if too negative I'd be using this to pull him up and actually is potential for performance improvement plan and an honest discussion that if the workplace isn't what he hopes for given his negatively, then maybe he needs to do some self reflection about whether it's the right place for him now.... Be straight and honest. He won't like it. But if you're straight as a die, he cannot really say you're at fault as you're merely looking out for his wellbeing, which is a part of your role!

@whatisforteamum

I have had a similar scenario for a couple of yrs.A young man who is after my job. He has ambition and is helpful to the senior men. Works with me and reluctantly does the job or gives me the silent slamming treatment which is so draining. Last week he admitted he wanted my job.Said he was the only one the manager recruited correctly.🤣 I am a middled aged woman in a male dominated world. You have my sympathies.

This could be him! Males staff have no issues with him at all, neither do young female staff at his level but women above him- good lord!

@Chosennone

Kill him with kindness 😅 don't indulge, if he starts in a non formal meeting, cut him down. 'Ok... save it for our next meeting and I can minute your points'. 'Thanks for your comments but this and this is happening'. ' I understand your frustration but Ofsted want...'

Yes, this is my current approach but sometimes I just want to cry as it is draining - especially when you are not feeling fully confident/ on your game

@BusyLizzie61

Do you have organisational codes of conducts, principles or behaviours/similar?

One of ours is team work, so that includes pulling your weight and another is along the lines of being positive to new ways of working and ideas, so if too negative I'd be using this to pull him up and actually is potential for performance improvement plan and an honest discussion that if the workplace isn't what he hopes for given his negatively, then maybe he needs to do some self reflection about whether it's the right place for him now.... Be straight and honest. He won't like it. But if you're straight as a die, he cannot really say you're at fault as you're merely looking out for his wellbeing, which is a part of your role!

I think I am going to have to tackle his negativity at next appraisal but as a previous poster said it is nebulous and he is also sneaky and manipulative. Our working relationship also relies on goodwill to a large extent so I need to tread carefully.

Ask him what he thinks is going well for him in the team and not well. Then ask him why, again both well and not well.
Tell him you have observed eg negative behaviour and ask him how the thinks and feels this impacts the team.

If he identifies negative behaviour, ask him how he can address it.

If he doesn't, raise it yourself using behaviour, situation, impact.
Eg When you argue in meetings the team become negative meaning we can't feel confident teaching the subject etc.

I have the same kind of person at my school. Have a conversation keep it short and simple and then send an email simply noting what was discussed so you have a paper trail. Anything you said outside of these discussions to him that he breaks down and raises issues with reflect on whether he has a valid point and if so acknowledge and take on board and if it is not valid and something that won’t work simply respond thanks for the feedback. You can’t really change him so focus on the positives of your job and the good colleagues that you have to tip your scales to happy.

You can’t really change him so focus on the positives of your job and the good colleagues that you have to tip your scales to happy
Thank you this is good advice, we are a very small department but the larger faculty are LOVELY so I can focus on them