Experiences of unplanned pregnancy in early 20s?

[Rno3gfr]

I’ve never met anyone else who’s had a child unexpectedly in their early 20s. It wasn’t really what I’d planned and I sometimes feel like an alien because none of my friends/people in my circle have done the same. I just want to know what it’s like for everyone else, I suppose. My son is now 2.5 but I find life in general really tiring and hard, not because of him, per say, but just managing building a career (but not being able to move for a career), the house work, keeping the peace with dp, making sure we can afford nursery.

I don’t know whether all of parents feel this way, but I feel quite lonely because I either seem to have friends my age who are travelling and enjoying life while engaging socially/in work, or friends who are quite a bit older but really settled and happy with their careers and family life (e.g. can afford to have another child whenever they want to and seem to know what they want). I feel a bit like I have a leg in each box with less options than either!

I had unplanned twins at 20. Had 5 by 30. Was lucky enough to be a stay at home mum while DP worked and I studied. Now I'm 38 and we're starting to live a life again whilst most of our friends are struggling with new parenthood, juggling careers and childcare etc.

I felt the exact same when I had my DS at 20. And to be honest have continued feeling the same as my friends started having their own children later on, like I’m out of it. Had another DS about 6years after having my first and always feel sad I didn’t have them close in age. I would have another soon if I were you, though I know it might be difficult logistically. On the plus side, I def had more energy than my friends having babies later in life and my Kids and I are really close. And I’m not near forty yet and have a lot of freedom to do things fit myself now..

Thank you both so much for your replies. I don’t think it’s feasible for us to have another soon. I’ve been offered a new job in a demanding role but I haven’t been given a start date (it won’t start for a while) so I’m waiting for that. My dp also doesn’t earn enough for me to be a SHAP. Even if I only make £30 a day with him in childcare, it’s needed. Maybe I’ll feel better once he’s in school 😊. I suppose most of my feeling come from being out of the ordinary and lacking choices. Plenty of people choose to become young parents, and I think that’s fine but it was never really ‘me’.

You mention house work and keeping the peace with your partner? What do you mean by keeping the peace? Does your partner share the workload?

I had three children by the time I was 25. It was hard work but I expect it would have been irrespective of what age I had been. My partner pulled his weight.

I’m 32 now. 1 child about to start secondary school and the other two in primary. I’m still young looking, and advancing well in my chosen career. (I also completed an OU degree over 6 years). By the time I am 40 I will have three young adults, and I’ll be able to do what the hell I like.

@Rno3gfr I had my DS when I was 22 and I knew no one who had a baby. I was a single parent by the time he was 4 months but lucky to have a very supportive family. I then met my (now) ex and moved in. I moved away from family and my DS went to nursery 5 days a week at 2. I found I was basically working to put him into childcare and pay into a pension for a couple of years till school and then things got better. He is now nearly 18 and awesome! I've just had a DD who is now 1, at the age of 39. I still know no one who has just had a baby in our social group, and im finding im more tired and weirdly more anxious this time round even though I've done it before.

I suppose im saying that how you feel can be any parent at any age, so you are by no means alone!

I had DD at 25 (she was planned but only after we lost an unplanned pregnancy - otherwise I don’t think it would have been on our radar for another 5 years or so). She is now nearly 15. I agree it was hard and I also found (living in a very middle class area) that there were very few parents our age and that they seemed to be living in a very different world from us in terms of disposable income etc. Now though we are earning what they were then and are saving for our daughter and growing our pensions etc whereas they poured it all into houses with big gardens, large cars, expensive buggies and skiing holidays (massive generalisation I know and I understand there were exceptions to this!) Many are now quite stressed about their financial futures where as ours is more secure as we both had to keep working anf hence growing our pensions etc. Several are struggling to manage teenage hormones and menopause at once. I am now pleased we had DD when we were younger though I did doubt our decision at the time. Hope that helps.

I was 23 when I had DS I’ve always been a single parent so from my point of view I made sure the chores were done in the morning , cleaning washing etc when I was wide awake , i bottle fed so would make the bottles for the day in the morning. I would sleep in the afternoon when he was still night feeding so I wouldn’t feel like too much of a zombie. It took a while but as soon as I had my routine in place it helped me relax a bit.

I had my daughter unexpectedly at 21 with my partner who at the time id only been with for three months.

We are now expecting baby no.3 at the age of 24. But honestly having a baby in your 20s is a breeze so to speak, it's a big change but as long as you embrace it and seek help where needed then you can manage.

My health providers (health visitor, doctor, midwife and occupational therapist from the perinatal mental health team) all told me they find younger mums handle motherhood better because they have higher energy levels and haven't got used to a life of ultimate freedom. We know that by the time we're 40 we're likely to have finished having children and can resume back to having this "freedom" so to speak

This isn't me saying it comes without problems, I just think it's important to remember that a career and going on holidays etc can wait until your child is older if you're struggling to juggle it all

Life doesn't need to be a set path, and although women are told they can "have it all" - "all" can be over a lifetime. You got this 😊