Breaking the ‘reward’ cycle - how?

[Llamasally]

I’m currently trying to both get back in shape after a baby and save some money for when maternity pay stops. Failing miserably at both. I’ve been trying to analyse why, when I actually really want to do it. I believe this has in fact been very ingrained from childhood, particularly around food and gifts, and the more I think about it the more I feel there is a bigger issue at play. Will try to keep brief as possible and would really appreciate any advice as to how I can tackle this at the root.

• growing up DM and DGM basically prescribed sugary foods as the answer to any of life’s problems. Feel sick? It’s your blood sugar, eat something sweet. Feel sad? Cheer up with chocolate. Achieved something? Celebrate with cake. Tired? Eat chocolate..you catch my drift. Today I have eaten 3 fun size cakes, 2 brownies and a bottle of coke. Which then makes me feel more tired/sad/crap beyond the initial high.

• ‘treats’ were actually a pretty much daily occurrence, whether sugary foods or presents

• birthdays and Christmas were (still are) embarrassingly OTT with hundreds of pounds spent on a huge haul. This is now also happening with my DC, DS 2 has recently learned the word ‘present’ and I’m starting to feel uncomfortable with the huge bags of gifts from his grandma every time he sees her and his view that now anytime someone comes to the house holding a box it’s his present and he won’t stop harassing you about it.

• any deliberation over buying things, message was always ‘you only live once’. However they didn’t have a lot of money, so the spending was always at the expense of accumulating any savings or making long term, wise investments which would help us in the future.

Don’t get me wrong I love my parents very much and they have been wonderful to me, but I feel like a lot of this experience is now starting to backfire on me as an adult.

I’m really developing a growing problem with impulse buying and eating. I also see an effect on my DC that I don’t like. I don’t usually go into this level of self analysis and have no idea where to start to fix it.

OP it's funny because I struggle with my weight (BMI currently around 27/28 but has been higher in the past) and my parents were the opposite of yours! We never had any treats - no biscuits, sweets, crisps or chocolate could be found in the house. Even now when we visit my parents DH can't believe how bare the fridge and cupboards are! So now I overeat in the same way you describe.

Maybe the moral is the a balanced approach is better than either extreme?

I'm good at saving money though!

@Clickbait that’s really interesting...

Correlation is not causation. You are responsible for your own actions. Find strategies to keep occupied, make yourself feel better, etc. without resorting to the behaviours you’re trying to avoid.

@Hopdathelf

Correlation is not causation. You are responsible for your own actions. Find strategies to keep occupied, make yourself feel better, etc. without resorting to the behaviours you’re trying to avoid.

That’s kind of what I’m asking for advice on 🤷‍♀️

Can you substitute treats for other things you would enjoy, like maybe watching a film or episode of a box set, bubble bath, face mask, going for a swim or a run, playing a game you enjoy? I don't know what your hobbies/interests are obviously but something like that might work! Good luck

You’ve hit the nail on the head. Food is not a reward or a comfort. It’s for nutrition and you need to find an emotional crutch that isn’t going to make you fat and depressed.
Is there something else that you really love doing? Hobbies?
Re spending you could set yourself a challenge not to buy anything for a period of time when you normally would
I really recommend exercise- not for weight loss but for feeling good; it keeps me on a high. Especially weight-bearing, like circuits with the music cranked up.

Your parents sound like my in laws who don’t seem to get delayed gratification as a concept

Not a quick fix but I've found Second Nature (diet) good for this. I self medicate with sugar and seem to have broken the addiction. I think it's £70 after the discount but it has helped my thinking massively. I'm losing very very slowly (chronic pain, menopause and a load of other issues) but keeping it off and now swimmint regularly.