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To ask if it's possible to get my DH to change re: housework

3 replies

pongopoogo · 23/06/2021 19:20

My DH is not working at the moment. I work 30hrs a week but often more, starting at 8 and getting home at 7etc. It's fine that he's not working, we're financially stable so no concerns there.
He's doing the school runs and try cooking. He's making a half-arsed attempt once a week to clean the house (read: pretty crap attempt at cleaning the kitchen and bathroom, and occasionally, very occasionally hoovers the rest of the house. No dusting or anything like that). I do the laundry. I was doing the shopping online but he wanted to do it instead. He'll go out several times a week and buy just enough food. Doesn't do a proper big shop.
Today I asked him to change the beds. The idea of changing the beds would not enter his heads in a million years. So I need to remind him. I've just come upstairs to find no beds have been changed. I'm sick of it. I called him (he's taken DD to gymnastics) and asked him what the one thing was I'd asked him to do today. He couldn't remember. Oh , it's ok he'll do it later. At NINE O'CLOCK when they get home. Wtaf?
Daily I come home to an utter shit tip "oh I'll sort it out tomorrow".
Our house is a mess. There's a whole load of DIY / sorting that needs doing that we don't have chance to do in normal times. Broken door handles, broken cupboards doors etc. He's cleaned out the shed. One thing that makes no difference to our day to day lives at all.
He decorated DS's bedroom before Xmas. It's not finished.

I am so fucking sick of coming home to a shit hole when he has all day every bloody day to sort it out. Why do I need to be the one to spoon feed what needs to be done? I'll do laundry etc on my day off. But he has 5 whole child free days a week where he can do what he likes. Surely some of that time should be trying to make our home a nicer place to live?!
I'm nagging. I don't want to nag but I can't let this go. I think he genuinely doesn't care about mess / dirt / broken cupboards. He doesn't see it, so he does nothing about it.
I'm just so so exhausted.
What do I do??

OP posts:
pongopoogo · 23/06/2021 19:22

I should say he's very involved with the DCs in that he spends most of his weekend ferrying kids to various sports and activities, plus several evenings a week, so he's not completely useless.

OP posts:
Gardenwalldilema · 23/06/2021 19:33

I'd sit him down and say look, either you can't see the jobs, or you're a selfish pig, which is it? If its the first I'd write him a list. Admittedly you'd still have the mental load, but at least he'd be off his lazy arse and busy. Good luck

absolutelyknackeredcow · 23/06/2021 19:51

My husband has had two periods of SAHP - one by choice - I was FT and he took a planned break between jobs for nearly 12 months and one was because of furlough but kids were off school.
The first one nearly broke me - he was USELESS in terms of the house but fab with the children ( they were at school / nursery so he had time ).
The second one he was much better - took full responsibility for house/ cooking / cleaning and had home school on top. My job was impacted by Covid and was really busy so it was needed.
The difference - we sat down and had a chat about what was needed from the start of his furlough. He fully owned his role and knew / could see I was absolutely swamped. Would sit down and have a calm chat and see if he steps up from there

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