To avoid barbecue

[Clappingforjoy]

All because I'm still depressed by not been able to have my 2nd dc 14 years ago due to premature ovarian failure. I still long for a baby and feel like I would be better off dead than feeling like this.
There will be pregnant relatives at the barbecue and I can't face it.

Unfortunately I haven't really had the opportunity to become part of the children's lives in my family if I had of maybe it would have helped

Is that because of you not wanting to get close to someone in your family who became pregnant (as you are doing now) or because they are aware you have never come to terms with not having another or something different?

If you stop thinking about yourself and think of the joy the person who is having a baby is experiencing, perhaps you can deal with it better. You had a child remember how you felt and try to share someone else's happiness.

I don't mean to be harsh,honestly but at 50 I really think you should try and put this to rest.Even the most fertile women wouldn't be likely to conceive at your age.Ive got an only son too btw.

@Whattheactualfk

You have a son, who wants to attend this event with you. I can't imagine your pain, but you're rejecting the family you do have over a wish for more.

This.

I’m sorry op and as hard as it sounds you need to focus on the child you do have.

Maybe speak to your doctor for some additional help. No fourteen years isn’t normal to still feel like this to the extent you can’t be around pregnant women and will not go to things with your own child who wants you there.

I'm pretty certain that yes they are aware of my issues but nobody ever asks me how I feel how I'm doing etc.

Yes browneyed girl i agree but I seem to be stuck in time.

I think its fine to not go to social events, you're not obligated.

But it isn't OK to feel so much bitterness towards pregnant women, and to do so to the point of not wanting to spend time at an event with your son is really a bit horrible tbh.

You need to find a way to make your peace with your circumstances, be it counselling or some other means, as 14 years is an extreme amount of time to feel the way you do.

Sounds like you are having a complicated grief reaction (prolonged grieving which doesnt get better over time). There is free counselling available through IAPT services, and if you are avoiding things in the present you should be eligible. If not they should be able to signpost you. You can find details online about your closest IAPT service. No, it is not usual for it to be defining your life to this extent after 14 years, so sounds like talking to someone about it could be really helpful. Hoping you can feel better soon.

So should I go to the barbecue and put on a brave face

Should I go because of my ds who is 20 by the way

Maybe at counselling they will think like browneyed.

@Clappingforjoy

Should I go because of my ds who is 20 by the way

Yes. Your still his mother and he's asked you to go with him Don't let him down. Just because he's an adult doesn't mean he doesn't need you anymore. I hope your feelings haven't made him feel like he's never been enough for you. Look at what you have got. Not what you've not got. I hope you feel better soon ☺️ X

You should skip the barbecue because you shouldn’t put yourself in a situation you know is going to trigger your mental health.

You need therapy. It may not have worked the first time. It may not work the second time, but you need to keep trying. Grief is a funny thing, but most of the time people are able to move on. It might never go away completely, but it shouldn’t be ruling your life this far out.

You should go with your son. How many events have you missed due to the way you feel? How aware has he been of your emotions around this loss - surely the extreme way you've felt for so long has already affected him?

What will happen if he brings home a pregnant wife or girlfriend one day?

@Clappingforjoy

Maybe at counselling they will think like browneyed.

I doubt it - counselling is meant to be non judgmental and so is completely different from MN (no shade to MN, thats the point of it for a lot of posts). For some reason you seem to be stuck in your grief - you never forget a loss, but at some point your life adapts so it is not the central focus of it. If you have not been able to do that, you need help to work through it. Please get help, the strength of reaction you report is highly unusual, and now it is affecting you son, which I am sure is not what you want. With how you feel right now, skip by all means, but do see someone who can help you with this.

I feel so sorry for your son. Does he know he is not enough for you?

My second daughter was born sleeping. I had a period of grief where I knew I was longing for her and that DD1 was not getting the whole of me. She does now, by God. I thank every day for the bones of her.

I miss DD2 with a sadness I didn't know was possible but I grab every day with DD1, her friends and any BBQs with pregnant women and babies. Life is now. Live it.

This is coming from a good place btw. I know it sounded a bit harsh. Sorry.

@Clappingforjoy I really didn't mean to be a cow.I just don't think its good for you and your son to be craving this x

Mellon I loves my ds dearly and yes he has been aware of my struggles whether he knows i am still struggling i don't know but he has turned out well and we have a good relationship.