Okay bare with me because it's a bit long, and I also have to be fairly vague for legal reasons
Me and my ex were together for 12 years, two kids. There were good bits but overall kinda a waste of time, apart from my children. He spent all of it chasing dreams, which meant we spent a lot of time in too small houses, no car, no holidays. Just perpetually skint.
He is also fairly mentally abusive and the reason he got away with it for so long was because I was so exhausted from him wearing me down whenever I tried to get him to grow up. I also felt like I would never survive on my own.
Three months ago his dad died, and something just snapped in him. He struggled mentally all his life and never took it seriously, and the pandemic worsened it.
But when his dad died.. phwoar. I've never experienced anything so intense in my life. He cheated on me with a friend 8 days after, then 2 weeks after that got arrested for something bloody awful which will have lasting negative impact. There is, a really horrible twist to it that I just simply can't write publicly.
He tried to kill himself a few times, almost succeeding once. Although we had separated and he was bailed to his mums, I was still trying my hardest to get him through it. I honestly haven't had a moment to breathe while trying to support him, support our children (don't forget their grandad died and their parents split within the space of three weeks so they're really going through it too)
Anyway, he's had this big epiphany about how much his family means to him and how he'd do anything he can to get us back. He's packed up his dream, gave away a bunch of stuff related to it, is trying to get full time work, has started driving lessons, engages with the mental health team and is undertaking intense therapy.
However, the manipulative side of him still hasn't gone away. Whether it's conscious or not.
He has been begging for a second chance but to me, its not a second chance. Its a millionth one and I don't know if I can forgive everything he's put me through the last three months, let alone let go of how he treated me during our relationship
The day before last, after yet another argument and conversation looping round and round he said, very calmly, that he just has nothing to live for anymore. Yesterday was our daughters birthday, and he was threatening to kill himself the night before.
I said he could come over so I knew he was safe, but all day yesterday he continued saying the same thing.
I'm utterly terrified of my kids experiencing that. They absolutely adore their dad, and they've found his breakdown really really hard. They obviously don't know the details and have accepted the breakdown as a reason as to why he doesn't live at home anymore.
I could never forgive myself if he died. I KNOW, rationally, that it wouldn't be my fault but I know that turning my back on him will land the blame on my feet.
I feel utterly held hostage and at the mercy of his mental health.
In desperation, I told him fine, let's try counselling. We'll do it and work through it and see if there's anything worth salvaging but I just know, deep inside, that it's pointless. Because I haven't loved him properly in years. There's a reason why we never married in the time we were together.
I guess I'm just kinda hoping that a few months of hope, and him interpreting me as trying, means that he will eventually get well enough to cope like a 'normal' person.
Either way I'm in such a lose lose situation.
AIBU for this? I know alot of people will tell me I'm an idiot for even entertaining it but I just simply can't cut him off. It's not because I love him romantically but he's still my best friend. And I'm also aware he's being very manipulative still, I just don't know what to do. I have to do the best I can for my kids :(