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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sometimes resent husbands freedom

21 replies

Lcw29 · 23/06/2021 15:52

I feel guilty for saying it but I often feel resentful that my hubby works and I'm at home with my two boys. They are 3 and 1 and I'm so bored. I dread every day because it's the same things. I clean up after everyone, feed everyone and have nothing for myself. I hate it . I'm exhausted and fedup. I resent the freedom he has to escape the kids. Hes going for a meal in the evening next week with his sister. It's a work thing but I never get to do anything. By the end of the day I just want to sleep. Does anyone else get this? I just feel so alone

OP posts:
CushionsandCandles · 23/06/2021 15:57

I couldn't read and run.
I feel for you but you can also fix this- no one else will.

Tonight- say to DH you need some "you time".
Pick a regular time and stick to it- one evening a week, a Saturday morning/whenever or both!
And then get out of the house.

You don't even have to do anything. Go and sit in the park with a book, meet a friend or simply go for a swim/run. Take up photography, knitting, whatever.
If you don't sort this out now you'll become a resentful mother and wife.

DisgruntledPelican · 23/06/2021 16:00

YANBU at all and to be honest it’s why I went back to work when my DS was quite young, and will do the same if I have any more children. I missed him lots (and still do) but I needed something for myself and was determined to never be the default parent, DP must do equal amounts of care and we get equal amounts of free time.

What would happen if you wanted to go out in an evening? Why does he have freedom and you don’t?

AmandaHoldensLips · 23/06/2021 16:04

Go back to work. Split the childcare with your husband.

Tell your husband that's what's happening and see how that goes down. Wink

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/06/2021 16:05

Consider returning to work.
Look for things you would like to do during the weekend, alone or with friends, daytime or evening. Get these booked/sorted and tell DH you are unavailable at these times.

devildeepbluesea · 23/06/2021 16:05

Definitely go back to work. Even if all you earn covers childcare. I went back to work when DD was 4 months old. Unavoidably at the time, but tbh it saved my sanity.

MsTSwift · 23/06/2021 16:07

Bless you. Pretty much everyone gets this. You need to fight your way out of the baby fug and get your life back. Good luck!

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 23/06/2021 16:07

Go back to work.

Start demanding and taking the right to have regular "you time". Even through lockdown, one night a week I have the night off from bath and bedtime to do my hobby. I also had a regular sport club night prepandemic.

Fernando072020 · 23/06/2021 16:19

Yanbu to feel like this. It sounds like you need some time to yourself. How often does DH takes the kids so you can get a break? I have an 11 month old and am staying at home for now. Without my DH giving me that hour to chill in the evenings, I'd feel burnt out.

Flowers500 · 23/06/2021 16:28

Go back to work. You don’t need to live like this!!

Whatabouttery · 23/06/2021 16:30

Go back to work if you can and also build up a social life.

Better for everyone in the long run.

Resentment will eat away at you.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 23/06/2021 16:34

YY to building a hobby and a social life.
I feel like this commonly, I really have to make an effort to ask for time. Sometimes DH takes the children out on a Sunday morning for 3-4 hours and afterwards I feel so refreshed.

It does get better. The early years are tough.

Shantotto · 23/06/2021 16:34

I can’t tell if you want to return to work or if you just want some time to yourself. You need it and should have it wether you work outside the home or not! If you’re happy but just want some time out a couple of times a week tell your DH you need some time away and take it! It’s hard bloody work looking after kids that age all day especially when things are so restricted and not much is on to keep them entertained.

Original poster
Lcw29 · 23/06/2021 16:36

I guess I don't really get time to myself at the moment. Maybe at the weekend I have an extra hour or so to sleep but I feel I do most things . I dont drive whereas my husband does. I also have a long term health problem with causes fatigue.

I think I would like to find some part time work or something. Just feel.im going crazy.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 23/06/2021 16:36

Do you want to return to work or have some time to yourself?

I find with getting time to myself I just need to book a time and go through with it, however logistically difficult it seems at first.

Can you book to have lunch with a friend on your husband's day off if you're too exhausted in the evening (or whatever activity you want to do?)

thepeopleversuswork · 23/06/2021 16:38

Not clear from your post if you're planning to go back to work or not but you should, for financial security alone. It also sounds as if being at home FT doesn't suit you so that should be agenda item number 1.

You should also tell your husband you want more time to yourself and to spend with friends: set some dates and present them to him.

NerrSnerr · 23/06/2021 16:39

You need to split things fairly at the weekend so if you want some time alone you can. Whether that's a couple of hours to read a book in peace, a walk or whatever you want to do. You shouldn't be doing most things when he's around as well.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 23/06/2021 16:43

What sort of things do you do with the dc outside of the house? From very young I took my youngest (and very last) dc to a supermarket cafe - at least once a week! .. He loved it!! Opportunity to chat to other people with a cute baby!! And an hour or 2 out the house.. Ds is now 6 and he talks fondly of our 'trips'!
Never did toddler groups but did park trips to feed ducks - especially in the rain! And picnics under dry trees!! It has to be said op, it does go far far too quick. Hang in there - and honestly try and enjoy them.. Cheesey as it sounds!

NerrSnerr · 23/06/2021 16:47

@30degreesandmeltinghere spending time with little ones is lovely- I know as I have them but it is also really important to try and get time to yourself too.

I have a friend whose husband used to do a lot of hobbies when their children were tiny (sports that took the whole weekend as it included drinks afterwards). She once told me 'it's ok, I get to see my friends too when I do things like this'. We were at the park with our toddlers. Although it was nice to do it with a friend it is not leisure time!

NerrSnerr · 23/06/2021 16:47

I forgot to add to my last post that my friend has now left her husband and she's much better off mentally now!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/06/2021 17:03

An odd meal out surely can’t be begrudged, presumably he would stay home if you wanted a night out.
Work isn’t freedom, if he’s the only earner of four then that’s a big responsibility. I’d be pretty cross if DH left all the work to me then moaned they had no freedom when they had no job.

Iwonder08 · 23/06/2021 17:08

Get a job, arrange a childcare for your children. Short term-get your husband to look after kids every now and then and go somewhere. Perhaps get a babysitter from time to time for an evening and go out for dinner with your husband

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