To feel I cannot take much more.

[Smokesignals]

I seem to be the person who everyone puts stuff on to and I’m not sure how it’s happened.
I work in a caring profession, and although I’m not a counsellor I have people calling me, crying, telling me how depressed and anxious they are and all of their current problems. Then on top of that I have my own two children, the oldest of whom is struggling a bit at the moment.
My gran is currently not very well, my parents aren’t very happy. My mother is always telling me how disappointed she is with her life. Yesterday she told me she and my dad are so fed up, there’s just no point carrying on and it would have been better if we’d all died of covid.
My best friend is having a tough time so she’s messaging me and calling me a lot telling me how miserable she is and how nothing is fair.
I am feeling really anxious myself a lot of the time and I’m really struggling with trying to be upbeat and positive all the time for everyone else.
At some point something is going to give and I feel like it might be me. I want to help everyone else but lm not sure how to do it.
At this point I just want to switch my phone off and go and live by myself for a week! I get to the end of the day and feel like I literally cannot take any more stress. Then I lie awake and worry about it all.

I was this person to my friends and family too. I have just stopped being available. I couldn't take it any more. I still provide emotional support to my very elderly grandparent, DH and DC and that's me done. I have some friends who don't lay all their unhappiness on me, and those are the ones I prioritise seeing. I've made it clear that I'm not up for listening to my siblings and parents woes (within reason). It's hard. But I feel less crushed.

Maybe a week isn't possible. Can you put off your phone and go to a park or cafe for two hours this weekend? Can you find 15 minutes twice a day to do this. Try leaving it longer to reply. Don't pick up calls immediately. Schedule a time to chat that suits you and put a time limit on it. You are allowed to have boundaries!

Oh and I work ft and manage a big team and do a lot of listening and sympathising and supporting. And that is draining too.

Your depressed parents need to seek professional support.

My parents were depressed pre pandemic and now they are SUPER depressed. I do get it. They feel like they are late 60s and might not be well enough to do things too much longer (my dad isn’t 100% well and hasn’t been for years). They had some plans and now they can’t do them. Ironically they have been terrified about catching covid, which annoys me now my mother is saying things like ‘I wish we’d all just caught covid and died.’

It sounds as though you are too nice and giving for your own good. Concentrate on yourself and your children and get tough on every else. Sign post your parents and friend to the professionals and make yourself less available.

For a start off, I'd be telling my mother that it's inappropriate to lay the burden of my parents' marriage on my shoulders. They need to seek appropriate professional support, or talk to their peers, friends and family, rather than their kids.

I’ve had similar of the years, family members (parents/aunts/grandparents) etc use us younger generation (cousins) to do similar too, about their upbringing, how hard it was, all their trauma and eventually we’d had enough as we realised we were then just moaning to each other about it all (were very close)

So now if it comes up, we politely but firmly adopt the approach of - I can’t keep listening to the same problems, you need to seek professional help/support but I cannot be that for you. I want to enjoy my time with you and catch up on life.

Of course everyone still has a little whinge now and then, or we discuss the shit bits of the week but it’s certainly much better in terms of dragging up past trauma and mental health issues.

I’m similar op. I do it as a job and seem to be the go to person in my home life too. Like you I got to the point that I couldn’t cope, I couldn’t get away from it and definitely couldn’t say no.
Then I realised at work that I signpost people to people that can help. I applied that to my private life. I can’t fix everyone but I can point them in the direction of people that may be able to help.

Your parents shouldn’t be burdening you with their marriage issues at all, they can ask friends or a counsellor but not their daughter ffs. You need to start making yourself a little less available, I know it’s hard but you aren’t a therapist and you have to deal with your own shit first.

There's a big emotional burden to caring, and being a very empathic person can lead to burnout (google compassion fatigue)

It's great that you've recognised that you're exhausted. It can be harder to give yourself the space that you need because you might worry that you'll be letting others down. But right now, you need some time and space for yourself