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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

5yr old DS lying/stealing things he's been told he can't have.

40 replies

BeatieBourke · 22/06/2021 20:03

Looking for some perspective here. How would you approach this?

Today DS came home from school with a massive cone bag of sweets because it was another kids birthday. Their mum does it it every year. I don't like that as a thing but that's another story.

I told DS he could have 3 sweets (they were big ones, like a Refreshers chewy bar, not 3 gummy bears) because it was 4pm on a Tuesday and nearly dinner time. I put the rest away in the kitchen and got on with dinner.

I while later I went back into the living room and he looked like something was up. I asked if he was alright and he said yes. He was obviously feeling guilty because I've come down from putting him to bed and just found the empty cone of sweets stuffed behind a sofa cushion.

OK. Not the worst crime in the world. He's five. Kids like sweets. Maybe I should have hidden them better.

There's a recent trend here. DS has a tablet and he's only allowed on it for 1 short time after school and a little at weekends. He's Minecraft obsessed and finds it hard to put down, which has led to a few extra restrictions.
He's always been an early riser (no matter what time he goes to bed) but lately this has improved. So we thought. A week or so ago we discovered he in fact wasn't sleeping later, but had discovered where the tablet is kept (in my desk drawer) and had been sneaking downstairs st 5am, taking it, aying on it for over an hour, and then PUT IT AWAY AGAIN before coming to wake us up at 6.30. We would ask him if he'd just woken up, pleased, and he said yes.

Now, kids lie, and get away with what they can, and like sweets and co.puter games. Big deal. But something about this level of scheming really pisses me off! I mean, hats off for the sheer gall, and maybe a level.of I telligence (I have no idea what's 'normal') . But it kind of worries me. I don't like the fact that he clearly knows he shouldn't be doing something but does it anyway on the basis that he won't get caught.
All of this comes on the back of him generally being quite insolent and cheeky lately. He 's just being 5, but with a heavy dose.of answering back, sarcasm and sass (which he can only have learned from us! Class parenting there 👏)

I am going to ban sweets and treat until the end of next week, and tell him if he does it again a day out we have planned won't happen. Should I explain that the lying is wrong, and why? Or just metre out the consequences and keep it simple and tangible.

He is quite an emotionally intelligent kid and so.etimes I think I treat him as though he's older than he is . He's also an only child (not by choice) which is.probably evident from the amount of ha d wringing over so.ething so apparently small!

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NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 22/06/2021 20:59

Also children sometimes lie because the level of sanctions/restrictions they are in line for are arguably excessive. They are lying because they are weighing up the scale of whatever is being restricted against the likelihood of being caught and punished for lying.

For example: Its not worth stealing the sweets and risking punishment, if you know you'll be allowed to have them after tea anyway.

Its not worth risking being punished to play on the tablet, if you get a decent allowance of time on it on a weekend that you stand to lose if caught.

IfIHaveToTellYouAgain · 22/06/2021 21:01

I don’t have any advice - sorry! - I just came here to say I’m massively relieved by the replies on here that I’m not the only one with a child that wakes up at 5 thinking it’s time to start the day but is actually still shattered and needs to go back to sleep! I haven’t found the answer yet though 🤣

trying29 · 22/06/2021 21:07

I wanted to come on and say my 6 year old sounds very similar to yours. Removal of screens for a couple of days seems to work for us. But I really feel for you wuth the insolence and being rude. I don’t know the answer I’m afraid but we are really struggling with it.
Alarm clocks are also excellent and have saved us with early wakings

AdriannaP · 22/06/2021 21:10

Put a pin code on the ipad or a lock after a certain time. I would be fuming if my 5 year old did this. IMO you are too relaxed and need to enforce some rules. Same with the sweets. Didn’t he feel sick afterwards.

FirmlyRooted · 22/06/2021 21:14

I don't think the tablet use is bad, tablets and technology are an integral part of the world we live in and a lot more fun and rewarding than other toys.

BeatieBourke · 22/06/2021 21:32

OK, lots of really helpful insights and advice, thanks everyone.

I don't think tech is bad per se. I'm quite amazed by Minecraft thb!. He works quite hard at it, perseveres, is creative, really rhinks things through and sees them to the end. DH was very resistant to the idea of the tablet but I argued that ots a skill he'll need. BUT the obsessiveness and negative behaviour that's come with it is problematic. So our strategy has been you can have it when you're able to turn it off when asked at a reasonable time and remember your manners.

It's not really the tablet or the sweets or the sleep. He's five, it's par for the course and we find our way through. But the lying has oored me a bit. Probably because it's new.

He'd already gone to bed when I discovered the sweets, so I couldn't deal with it there and then. I think a cool, clear "you did this when you knew you shouldn't have so this is the consequence (no treats for a few days)" in the morning followed up by more general conversations about the importance of being honest later on is the way I'll go.

E talk about things at. There's a lot of discussion, explaining the reasons why, making decisions together to get buy in etc. That's what I meant by maybe treating him as older than he is. Perhaps I need to be clearer and more immediate, but also less strict at the same time.

Yeesh...parenting!

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Paq · 22/06/2021 21:40

Don't be too hard on yourself, he's only 5! I'm 47 and I eat too much crap food and spend too much time on my phone.

BeatieBourke · 22/06/2021 21:44

Me too!

I worry I both expect to much from him and am too lenient at the same time.

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CatsArePeople · 22/06/2021 21:48

You need to remove temptations. DS1 used to do silly things at that age - like eating toothpaste or vitamins as sweets Confused Had to replace them with herbal stuff.
As for lying, you should never ask stupid questions, like "who did this" or "why did you do it" - because you know the answer already.

BeatieBourke · 22/06/2021 21:49

Also, to everyone who bigged up alarm clocks /grow eggs...

MIL bought DS a Yoto player. I was skeptical but its BRILLIANT! It's a compact unit with credit card like plastic cards that have stories, music, radio and documentary type stuff. So media, without the visual. Some are sleepy bedtime stories, some are fun adventure songs, like chosing a programme. And there are blank cards that you can store your own playlists / stories on. It has a clock on the front that changes from night to day at a set time like a grow clock. It hasn't solved all our problems (nothing would) but it is a brilliant piece of tech for young kids and I am really impressed by it. It's pretty indestructible and has a kid friendly charger too!

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BeatieBourke · 22/06/2021 21:52

Should have added, kids can slot the cards in and out themselves to choose what to listen to

uk.yotoplay.com/pages/player/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwlMaGBhD3ARIsAPvWd6i-ZR2z-uLAVL0A5K0t2k6qfCtM6pyd1FQpvbf9WOCIyEv1gCbVk5kaAsynEALw_wcB

I don't work for them, honest!Grin

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RoseMartha · 22/06/2021 22:20

I would password protect the tablet so even if he finds it he cant use it.

Then as people have suggested perhaps he has an hour on the tablet three times a week for example to play his games.

And put the sweets higher up in a coloured box.

Another idea is to put a few treats in a small box in his reach in the kitchen in the morning. And tell him he can choose when to eat them, but when they have gone there is not anymore. Eg a penguin, savoury snack or crisps, a few sweets or chocolate or a few biscuits like custard creams or rich tea. Not all of them. They were just suggestions you could put in.

My sister did this in sch holidays otherwise all the treats went in two days.

I agree the deceitfulness is annoying and concerning. Just set firm boundaries about telling the truth.

I have said in the past to my dc that I am less cross if you tell me the truth in the first place. Hiding the truth makes it worse.

BeatieBourke · 22/06/2021 22:56

RoseMartha that is exactly it. I already told him re the tablet that I was a bit cross about the tablet (because its bad for him) but v cross about the lying (because in our family we tell the truth and trust each other).

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user1471474462 · 22/06/2021 23:07

Might be worth giving “The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read: (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)” by Philippa Perry. I attempted the apply the sentiment to your experience but failed. Amazing book, really helped us.

Smart kid!

BeatieBourke · 23/06/2021 08:02

Thanks user. I have that as an audio book but never listened to it. I'll give it a go.

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