To think the title step "parent" is misleading?

[CrikeyCricket]

And that you don't actually need to parent to be a good one?

I've always gotten along well with my husband's children. We have a nice relationship but I don't parent them and don't intend to. I do not want nor feel the need to get involved in any of that.

I've had it said to me before on here that you're not really a step "parent" then and I shouldn't call myself one. And I agree, I'm not a parent, I don't see myself as a parent nor do I wish to be their parent but that's obviously the title people use so I find myself using it when writing here.

AIBU to think it's okay to marry someone with children and not actually be a "parent" to those children? (Outside of certain circumstances of course but my husband's children have two involved parents).

My dad had children from a previous marriage when he married my Mum. They never referred to her as “step mum” but as “Margaret” or “my dads wife”. By the same token she never referred to them as her step children but as “Laura/ Daniel” or “David’s kids” . She still loved them and was very much part of their lives: but they already had two parents

I think it very much depends on circumstances. My step-mum did a lot more parenting than my birth mother and I've called her mum since I was about 10. My birth mother has had a number of partners and a couple of husbands and if I had to refer to them I'd generally say either my birth-mother's partner/Jane's partner or call them by their name. She insists on calling them all Daddy but I refuse to use that (partly cos I have a dad and partly cos I find grown adults calling their parents mummy and daddy really creepy).
My father in law remarried last year and if my husband is talking about her to others he also says my dad's partner or my dad's wife. He feels that she's not his step-mum because she had no part in raising him and in fact we barely know her.

My step mum became my step mum when my dad was dying because she absolutely behaved in a parental way to me through that (at a time when my mum couldn't, because she was so not sorry he was dying). Up until that point she was my dad's wife and that was fine. She was family, I enjoyed her company but she wasn't a parent.

In a very common scenario where the woman is with a man with children and the children’s mum is very much involved, then no I don’t think it is on the man’s partner to be a parent to his children.

My husbands children from a previous marriage (who I call my step kids for ease ) originally called me either Tipsy or my dad's wife.

Then over time they began to refer to me as their step mum...I do parenting stuff, I pay for clothes/trips/holidays, drive them round, feed them, take them to medical appointments, go to school plays, parent evenings when their mum can't go with their Dad, watch them play sport, host sleepovers.

It describes our relationship I would say.

I think it depends on children’s age, how long you’ve been together etc.
If they are young and you’ve been together a few years then you would automatically do some kind of parenting so you’d be classed as a step parent but if they’re in their 30s then no way would you.
I remember arguing with my friend because she was going to meet her boyfriends daughter and I said isn’t it a bit soon as you’ve only been together two weeks and she said but I am her step mother now

I don’t know many people in RL who say step parent they’ll say my mums boyfriend/partner.

I totally agree with you but you're right, it's very dependent on how involved both parents are.
My ex dh has almost zero involvement in my dcs lives and left when they were 4 & 7.
They are now older teens and very much refer to my dh as their 'step dad'
However he has done absolutely everything for them for a decade, in comparison to their actual Dad.

I've never expected them to call him step dad and would never encourage them to call him Dad, although interestingly, now they're older I've overheard them referring to him as their Dad to other people, eg 'my Dad will pick us up'
If they were younger I would correct them (discreetly!) but these days I leave them to it!!

Totally depends on the set-up. I f you meet and settle down with someone who has an infant child and where the birth parent is not in the picture and effectively bring that child up as your own you are definitely a step parent. In fact you're basically a non-biological parent.

In other scenarios where people have older children and don't want to rock the boat too much the partner becomes mum's boyfriend/dad's girlfriend. I've been with my partner nearly 3 years and he is in effect a more hands-on parent than my DD's biological dad, but I'm not planning for him to move in any time soon and none of us consider him her "step father". It may happen over time but right now its more pressure on the dynamic than any of us needs.

I think the emphasis on recreating the "parent" as soon as possible is sometimes unhelpful: its good for a child to have positive adult role models of both sexes in their life, particularly if their parents are separated. I want my DD to have positive male role models in her life but right now there's no particular reason why my boyfriend should have more influence on her than a platonic male friend or family member. It takes a village, as they say.

I'm 'my dad's wife' rather than step parent. He's got a perfectly good mum. I never use the word, but friends tell me I'm a stepmum, and I'm like 'no, he's got a mum'.