To put job satisfaction (and my mental health) over money?

[MrsRLH75]

I’m a self-employed professional and am completely out of love with what I do. I feel in a dark, dark place. With the right marketing and consistency it can bring in good money and, for that reason, DH keeps telling me to hang on in there and keep going with it. But, I hate it and as the weeks and months tick by, I feel myself slipping deeper into depression and more lost and lonely than ever. It’s a solitary role, in a very competitive industry, I don’t have any colleagues, I work from home and have no reason to go anywhere. Also, it’s not like the work falls into my lap, in theory the money is good but in practice you still have to win the contract and that doesn’t always happen - leading to money worries! I feel like I would be so much happier in an office job or something with actual PEOPLE and with the security (as much as it’s ever secure, anyway) of an employed role and a ‘guaranteed’ salary at the end of the month. I wouldn’t be able to earn what I can POTENTIALLY earn in this role but I think I’d be happier. My current role also requires a lot of cpd and further study which is near on impossible when I feel like I can barely get out of bed in the morning and hate what I do. I know DH is not coming from a mean place, he worries about money and wants me to maximise my earning potential, but... I want a life! Am I doing a grass in greener thing or shall I just tell him I’m jumping ship?!

What does your husband do and do you have children?

He also works in professional services (employed role) and yes we have 4 kids!

You'd probably have more money coming in regularly than you would randomly. Plus you'd hopefully be happier. Find a new job.

How big a pay cut would you be looking at? Would it impact things like making the mortgage a struggle/kids in private school etc?

OP you sound depressed. No job is worth your mental health. It’s not like you’re suggesting giving up work altogether! In your shoes I’d go back to regular employment. Hopefully your husband can see how low you are and support you. Best of luck

It's not worth it. I was headhunted and effectively doubled my salary overnight. I hated it from day 1. I was so unhappy it was affecting everything. I hung on for 9 months mainly for my CV and then left.

I left without having another job encouraged by my DH who could see how unhappy and stressed I was all the time. Surely your DH wants you to be happy?

Life is too short to be unhappy.

Also, I’ve really let myself go over the last couple of years, have piled on weight, wear shit clothes etc but because I’m just at home, not seeing anyone, I don’t care. I’ve said to DH that I want to take 3-6 months out to sort myself out, be me again, and then perhaps have the confidence to look for a new employed role. I know that might sound a bit of a luxury but it would not be luxurious at all, we’d have to cut back and being very frugal but I can’t see how else to get out of this rut.

Do something else. Life's too short to do something you hate. You might find the grass isn't so green either and possibly find a renewed enthusiasm for what you currently do..

I’ve just given up a permanent job with a decent salary, to take a 6 month contract (better money, fewer hours) because I was SO miserable.

I’m a LP so giving up long term job security and moving back to shorter contract work is fucking terrifying, but I was also very very ill because of my job and it was affecting my DS.

I’m using these 6 months with fewer hours to assess my situation, work on myself and apply for other permanent roles/ build my freelance network back up to where it was pre-kids.

So kind of the opposite direction to you, but very similar motivation.

Sometimes you have to be selfish to survive.

Thank you. It’s hard to say how much off a pay cut it would be as the income I get now is so sporadic, but roughly it would be about a 30-40% decrease I guess. We’d still be able to pay the mortgage etc but would have to be careful and mindful about what we spend but then we largely have to live like that now (which is fine) because the money is not guaranteed. I think DH is just hanging on for when it becomes a reliable source of income but I don’t even know if that will even happen. He does want me to be happy, but he’s worried that we’re only about 15 years away from retirement and still have a hefty mortgage.

Well I would always prioritise happiness and time, over money, but clearly not everyone feels the same or the world wouldn't be full of overworked rich people!
It is important to agree it with your husband to some extent. Are there any areas of spending you'd be prepared to cut back on? Holidays etc, or swap a fancy car for a cheap hatchback etc? If you can present it as a 'my happiness all year is more important for this whole family than our two weeks in Greece' maybe he'll see things a bit clearer? If you're cutting income and you can't afford to, you do need a plan.
I think it would also be nice if you say that you think you and he should both work in happy roles/less hours etc. So you are advocating a whole improved work/life balance for the whole family, rather than just yourself? I'm not saying you're trying to do that, but maybe it comes across that way to him?
I'm always telling my DH he should work less (he does about 5 hours/week more than me), but he enjoys it, so, humph! But he knows if that changes in future I'd rather he was happy and we lived on less money if needed.

In that case I’d definitely look for something else but my partner taking 6 months off would worry me if I had a big mortgage. If it took you a while to find something how long could you cope with one income?

I have similar issues. Had a permanent FT job in my sector, had kids so went freelance and part time working flexibly around them. Then covid hit. I've kept bringing in good money, but the pitching, invoicing, admin and stress around keeping afloat, paired with homeschooling and just general life means I hate my job.

I've just interviewed for a permanent role with a firm in my sector with flexible and home working and I'm praying I get it. Just being able to do my job (which I love and am good at) rather than constantly grafting and pitching for more work, invoicing them and all that gubbins feels like a heavenly option right now.

I'm going for the work life balance and I think, if you can afford the financial hit, you should too. Could you short term keep your business dormant for a bit / just work with existing clients on the side for a bit in case you change your mind/it doesn't work out?

You definitely need to prioritise your mental health. If you have a break down you won't be able to make money then, will you.
So I think its sensible to take 3 months out. If you are happier then you'll be able to improve your life in other areas such as dieting. Good luck op

OP you sound like you’re in a very similar position to myself. I’m considering employing someone temporarily to give me space to get all my ducks in a row and sort out marketing etc. Is there potential for you to grow your business with employees to take the pressure off? I’m not sure if you’re not enjoying it on your terms you’d be able to enjoy it employed on someone else’s terms.

See I can't say yabu or yanbu.

Because while your mental health is important and I think sometimes taking a pay cut can be the best thing.

You also do need to consider the impact of being 'very frugal' so you can take an employment break.

That will definitely impact your dh, your kids and even your own mental health. Being the only wage earner isn't the most fun thing in the world, when there's not much money to go around.

Your income may be sporadic but if it increases the household income by 30% its substantial.

And given you feel like this now, not sure having nothing at all, to do, will help.

Can there not be a compromise somewhere. Like taking a month off? Then looking for work?

What if in 6 months you can't find anything?

@MrsRLH75

Also, I’ve really let myself go over the last couple of years, have piled on weight, wear shit clothes etc but because I’m just at home, not seeing anyone, I don’t care. I’ve said to DH that I want to take 3-6 months out to sort myself out, be me again, and then perhaps have the confidence to look for a new employed role. I know that might sound a bit of a luxury but it would not be luxurious at all, we’d have to cut back and being very frugal but I can’t see how else to get out of this rut.

Er well 3-6 months of not working at all probably is pushing it. Does your DH also get 3-6 months off working? You're already not coping well money wise, so how is taking that amount of time off going to help? And what if you're still not feeling confident by the end of 6 months?

Find a new job sure, but I think that's going too far.

I took a pay cut to save my mental health and wouldn't change a thing. In fact I think I left it 2-3 years longer than I should have. I wasn't self employed but worked remotely in a very solitary job with a lot of pressure and scapegoating. Finding a job where I'm part of a real supportive team, and managers who believe in the concept of work life balance, is easily worth the money I've missed out on. I'm also a lot easier to live with now and I've got energy to do things I want to do, rather than spending money and free time just decompressing.

If you can see jobs that pay enough that you can still cover your share of the bills, start applying now. I wouldn't faff about taking months off - you'll just fall into a different rut and I think what you really need is to get back to working with people.

Self employment is incredibly hard even if you love what you do. I could never do it for all the things you describe.