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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to cancel site visit tomorrow?

16 replies

Actuallyabitgreynow · 21/06/2021 21:26

Me and exH co-parent our 4yo. He has him one weeknight, and one weekend morning.

He is currently unemployed, I work full time in a fairly senior role, from home but occasionally (once a month or less) have to do a site visit in various locations in the UK. I schedule these to travel there on the weekday evening that exH has DS, stay overnight, do the site visit the next morning and then I'm home in time to pick DS up from preschool.

A couple of weeks ago exH told me at pickup he had got "a couple of weeks of work" in a temp role, and told me he would need to drop DS to me the next morning at 7am and I'd need to do the school run. All fine, but I reminded him not to take it for granted that I can always do it and that it's me doing him a favour. I reminded him that once DS starts school in September, I'll go back to doing one day a week in the office and it will be the morning I don't have DS (long commute) and he will need to sort childcare.

ExH turns up to pick DS up this evening and when I said to DS "have a nice day at preschool tomorrow", exH kicked off because he has work and was expecting me to be home for drop off at 7am tomorrow morning so I could do the school run.

I very calmly told him that at no point had he told me this was needed, and that I was heading off on a site visit. He got angry, told me to shut up, called me a stupid bitch (in front of DS) and just continued to tell me "you KNEW I was working". Reminded him that two weeks ago he told me he had "a couple of weeks of work" and that I had assumed that if he needed me to be available for the school run he would have mentioned it before now.

I'm now at the site and he is ringing me and leaving me voice notes of my DS crying and asking me to be at home in the morning to take him to school.

AIBU for sticking to my guns here? My job is really fucking important, but I feel like I'm punishing my son for something that is not his fault. Made me feel sick letting exH take him tonight.

OP posts:
StripeyDeckchair · 21/06/2021 21:33

Your ex is a c*
Stand firm and he won't do this again
Give in and you'll be running around at his whim for the next ten years & more.

IggyAce · 21/06/2021 21:37

It’s hard but stand firm, he is an absolute twat for using your son as emotional blackmail. Agree with previous poster that he won’t do it again if you stand firm.

Actuallyabitgreynow · 21/06/2021 21:54

He won't learn and will absolutely do it again!

OP posts:
lilyofthewasteland · 21/06/2021 21:58

Did you originally leave him for being an abuser?

Actuallyabitgreynow · 21/06/2021 22:05

I left him for being useless, lazy and barely a father. Also a severe lack of personal hygiene.

But he definitely had abusive tendencies too and anger issues.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 21/06/2021 23:16

I'd use the voicemail at an emergency court hearing as evidence of parental alienation with my shit hot lawyer and then have him barred from contact until he is deemed capable to provide appropriate and responsible parental care. I'd hire a competent child under to care for child on days you must make site visits.

EKGEMS · 21/06/2021 23:16

Sorry-child minder I meant to type

Freddiefox · 21/06/2021 23:28

Oh you poor thing, what an arsehole he is.
This is exactly the sort of shit my ex would do. He would also get ds to call me. He was also a lazy, disinterested man and dirty.
Mine would be going into panic mode by now because he realises how much he’s messed up, and is unable to act like a human being and apologise and ask if I could help, instead he just gets shouty.
But it would tear at my heart to hear ds begging me to be there in the morning. It’s abusive behaviour on your ex’s part.
Long term do you want ds to go their one night a week?
My ex is unreliable, so if I need to be somewhere he no longer has them those time, because of situations like yours when they unreliable and cause problems with work because he’s let me down last minute.

ScottishNewbie · 21/06/2021 23:55

I would 1. Stand your ground and 2. Save all messages and voicemails to use if you need legal

LittleOwl153 · 22/06/2021 07:52

Hope you managed to get some sleep OP. I can't believe he kept a preschooler up that late to send you voice clips.

What's actually interesting is that he clearly expected you to do as you were told, as otherwise he wouldn't have taken ds at all once you said you wouldn't have been there at 7am if it was that important to him.

StCharlotte · 22/06/2021 08:29

Remind him you can't mess your employers around because you have to work as I'm guessing he's not paying anything.

Aprilx · 22/06/2021 08:48

YANBU to stick to your guns. I would also keep a copy of the voice messages he sent you, I don’t know why at the moment, but for the future.

Actuallyabitgreynow · 22/06/2021 09:05

Got very little sleep but that's usual ahead of these visits as I stay on site, so can't complain!

I've not caved, sent a voice clip back to DS last night telling him I loved him, to have a big sleep and a great day at preschool today and I'd pick him up afterwards.

He hasn't paid maintenance since he got sacked a few months back, but when he let on earlier that this temp work is lasting a couple more weeks I did ask when I should be expecting a month worth of maintenance then, to which he responded "well I don't know!" (As if he doesn't know when he's getting paid Hmm) and that was the point at which he told me to shut up and called me a stupid bitch.

Things have been surprisingly amicable up until now, our last argument like this was just after Christmas when I suggested increasing contact (that I had previously reduced because he wasn't coping, and then their relationship started to improve and he was coping better) and he acted as if it was a burden to have him more any more that one morning a week. For reference, he has an older son who we had 50/50 contact with for the 8 years we were together.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 22/06/2021 21:50

Hope everything was OK when you picked the little chap up from preeschool - I wonder what tale ds has told at preschool today!

IggyAce · 23/06/2021 10:25

* For reference, he has an older son who we had 50/50 contact with for the 8 years we were together.*

Let me guess that you did the majority of the work load when DSS was with you. How old is he now?

Actuallyabitgreynow · 23/06/2021 12:24

@IggyAce how could you tell 😉

He is now 11 and exH no longer has him overnight, has him a couple of afternoons after school and one day at the weekend.

OP posts:
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