How to act with relative (in law) I don't get on with

[BrilliantBetty]

I have a relative(in law) visiting at the weekend.

I don't actually know her very well but it's clear she doesn't like me. It's not my MIL, btw.

She isn't argumentative and there has been no drama, but there's a very obvious coldness. Looks to MiL, even my husband slightly raised eyebrows if I say something. Doesn't join in with conversation if i'm part of it. Won't make eye contact much and if she does it's more of a cold stare. It's very awkward. I have preciously tried to chat and ask how she is, but it's not met with much.

I don't know what i've done but also don't want to try and establish/ enter in to a conversation about it as I would rather not cause further issues especially in front of children, who will be there.

How should I act towards someone in my own home that treats me in such an unfriendly, dismissive way?

AIBU to just carry on and let it remain as it is.

I wouldn't have her in my house, rude cow.

Is she staying overnight? If it's a short visit I'd be very polite but not engage too much. One afternoon/evening is ok to handle.

If she stays for longer I'd tell my husband to sort everything, I'd make plans to be away as much as possible, and the rest I'd be polite but also not too involved.

That's as long as it's coldness from her but no drama. Once there's drama, I wouldn't want her in my house.

In relation to how to deal with it this is what I would suggest.
So when she Looks to MiL, even my husband slightly raised eyebrows if I say something.
Call her out on this - say "Mary, have I said something offensive or something to upset you? I noticed you raising your eyebrows when I mentioned X or Y. Is that upsetting you in some way?"
As for when she Doesn't join in with conversation if i'm part of it. then the only thing to do is to finish a sentence with "What do you think about that Mary?" or "Don't you think, Mary?" or "That's funny, isn't it Mary?" every time.
When she Won't make eye contact much and if she does it's more of a cold stare then just ignore that. Don't rise to it. It's not going to be easy but where making eye contact is concerned it is probably just as well to ignore it.
If you can manage to do that with your other half in the same room that would be great.

Alternatively, say to him that it'll be a cold day in hell before X crosses your threshold as she is so rude to you and you're not having her treat you like something on the bottom of your shoe while expecting to be a guest in your home, it's sending out a very poor message to your children about how their mother gets treated.

One of those two options.

@OoglyMoogly

DH’s friend’s wife blanks me when we meet so any invitation we make is now specifically just for his friend. She has never, and never will come to my house. The last time we were at a dinner in a restaurant, she turned around on her chair so she was physically sideways to the table with her back to me the whole time. (party of 6 so I had to either sit next to or opposite)

The waitress was whenever she came to the table!

Is her DH not mortified at her making such a show of herself?

Be civil - I personally like to watch people like this deal with it if you are nice to them.

I don't understand.

Why is she coming to your house?

She would not be coming to mine!

Is this a DH problem?

I’d be very cordial to begin with, make her very welcome, but if she started any of her nonsense I’d be quite open that I could see her and wasn’t going to let it go by.

Raised eyebrows? “Good grief Sandra, are you having a funny turn? Your face is doing something very odd”.

Not replying to you? “Sandra, are you quite well? You seem not to be able to hear me. Do we need some medical help?”

Make her account for herself. If you make her explain what she’s doing she should get the message. She’s the one who looks a massive tit.

Firstly she wouldn't cross the threshold. Secondly I would have words with my husband for putting up with it. There isn't anyway in this world I would leave anyone on my side of the family treat him like this and would expect the same from him. Thirdly I wouldn't even look twice at her I would just pretend she didn't exist. She doesn't deserve your manners. If you feel that you can't ban her from your home don't be there to accommodate this miserable twit. Leave it to your husband

I'd try being polite but it probably wouldn't last long.

Mil's bad attitude saw us going nc with her..
I hope you leave all hosting to your dh and go out. Important Appointment

A PP said:

Call her out on this - say "Mary, have I said something offensive or something to upset you?

Please don’t do this. You’ll be internalizing someone else’s BS and making their behaviour about you. It isn’t about anything you’ve done, it’s about her. She’s dumping her baggage at your feet, so rather than picking it up, make her carry it herself. Therefore:

‘Mary I was talking to you just now. Is there some reason why you don’t answer?’

‘Mary why are you raising your eyebrows at Michael when I speak to you?’

Deflect her with non-defensive phrases, otherwise known as grey rock. When directly confronted people like this often wail ‘you have a problem with me!’ I would respond that in my experience, people who use that phrase want to shift responsibility for their own problem onto someone else.

These are pretty much guaranteed to ensure rude people will never get a rise out of you:

I’m confident you have nothing to complain of in my behaviour.
I have nothing to justify or explain.
I’m sure you see it that way.
I don’t require your approval.
I’m comfortable with that.

Don’t ever make the mistake of defending yourself or they’ve got you. There’s pretty much nowhere people can go when faced with responses like this.

If I had no choice in her coming to my home...

I'd be nice as pie & very polite. Be as welcoming and saccharine as possible. People like that are so subtle in their rudeness because they want a reaction - and by giving the reaction to facial expressions/sullenness, you would be the "aggressor". So say fuck all to her about her behaviour, be as polite as you can be and then she can't say shit all about you. What's the worst she could say? "Ugh, she was SO nice to me, what a bitch..."

If you must have her come (I certainly wouldn’t be entertaining it) then for me it would be the following

Raised eyebrows - “is there a problem?”

Cold stare - cold stare right back and don’t be the first to speak

Any of that - tell DH to tell her to reign it in or she leaves

Sounds like this has been happening for a while so all politeness is out the window

YANBU to rise above it and just let it carry on. I might be tempted to raise an eyebrow right back at her, or query it a sickeningly nice way if there’s a problem (and then saying “oh, what a shame” if she voices some ridiculous disapproval), etc.. But simply ignoring her attempts to signal that you are somehow non-U/unreasonable/too whatever is the better path. This is how extended families rub along without drama. It will have the added benefit of infuriating her too - she’ll be dying for a reaction that, in her opinion, will show just how little you understand about anything.

Great suggestions. I'm taking notes!

Not quite the same but we had similar with BIL (DH's Sister's DH). He can be a moody bugger so he'd turn up and basically not greet anyone, be surly etc (and he claims he can't help it but we all know it's great way for him to keep SIL on her toes). After a while, DH and I couldn't take it so we started doing the over the top friendliness thing, but, where necessary, with an edge.

Me (enthusiastically, leaning in for a kiss/hug): HI BIL, Lovely to see you.
BIL (surly, unpleasant): grunt
Me (firmer, with an edge of sarcasm): Hello BIL, So lovely yo have you at our house.....

It actually worked quite well because hilariously, BIL who has SIL totally convinced that he can't help his moods, no longer behaves this way at our house. Funny that.

Why do you feel like she should be given the courtesy of an invitation to your home when she doesn't show any courtesy to you too?

If your DH and/or in laws tell you that that's just the way she is, tell them that you don't tolerate being treated in your home and that's just the way you are.

I would point it out… “Oh… I can tell by your abrasive behaviour that you’re obviously very uncomfortable. Perhaps you’d prefer to go home now.” (Always in front of witnesses, of course.)

welcome politely and then any unfavourable attitude get her out off home. Or if you are a better person than me ice cold indifference,Simply put pretend she is invisible and doesnt exist. No one would make me feel like she does you in my own home though in the first place, I respect me too much to let anyone treat me like that, You do not need at the expense of anyone else to feel like rubbish in your own home ever,

I'd probably play her at her own game, maybe spit in her coffee out in the kitchen and serve her mean portions or deliberately forget part of her meal.

Get lots of family videos recording her “responding” to you for posterity… (evidence to be used against her later)

What does your DH think to how she behaves? I'd start by asking him if he notices anything odd. If you get 'oh, that's just SIL's resting bitchface' at least you know it's not you. TBH one person's 'obvious coldness' is another person's 'this is just my face'.

Unless there's anything more than that I wouldn't make a great drama out of it.

Yes. Kill with politeness and concern

I would also be tempted to try this:

If an eyebrow is raised - 'I love what you do with your eyebrow! My grandad used to be able to wiggle his when I was little. Do it again! How do you do it? Can you teach me?'

Is she passive aggressive?
If so my favourite is getting that person to explain everything.
Her (under her breath): Hmm you would say that wouldn’t you.
Me: Oh sorry, what do you mean I would say that. (Tinkly laugh… pause) Oh haha I see you’re raising your eyebrows …. Haha… why??
Point everything out whilst smiling sweetly.
Let her explain and be the bitch. Fuck her, don’t let her steam roll you in your own house.