Rainbow Babies (TW)

[Elkey]

My friend very sadly lost her first-born at 2 weeks old (born very prematurely). When she got pregnant again, she was expecting a rainbow baby. I get that. It celebrates the happiness whilst acknowledging the sadness which came before.

But fast forward a few years and she always dresses her second-born in rainbows and has decorated her room with them too. Aged 3 now and still a rainbow. At which point does she stop being identified in relation to her deceased sibling and become a joy in and of herself?

Yes, it's not my business how my friend honours her first baby or deals with her grief. Goes without saying I keep my opinions to myself in the real world! But I wondered if anyone else feels that identifying a child as a rainbow baby so persistently is perhaps a little unfair on that child.

YANBU. But at the same time, rainbows are EVERYWHERE for little girls' clothes atm, so when the fashion changes and every second item in the shops doesn't have them, she may gently move on from the style herself.

Lots of little children love rainbows though and it is the fashion at the moment.

@mindystclaire @shouldistop yes that's true, they are everywhere! I know from conversations though that the choice is a deliberate reference in this case. But I take your point that she would likely have a fair few rainbows anyway.

Until you have lost a child, you can never predict how you will respond after the loss. I'm absolutely sure that your friend feels both the loss and the joy every day of her life. Stop judging your friend in her response to grief.

I'm sure sure once her daughter is old enough she will have her own opinions about what she wears anyway.

And like a pp said rainbows are fashionable.

At some point a rainbow starts to be associated with LBGTQ+, so I imagine the rainbows will become less of a feature over time, unless DC is LBGTQ+ in which case they might be a permanent fixture.

I read on here a post from someone who was a rainbow baby and they felt that their parent made it so much into their identity that it hung over them and they urged other parents not to do the same. It made me think about what it can be like to grow up with it.

My third is a rainbow baby but he doesn't know that. I love rainbows and have always dressed them all in rainbows when I could certainly for particular days out or events. My youngest still prefers them (age 5) my middle one probably dropped them at that age. The eldest one (15) has gone back to them.

Kids tend to love bright colours. They are easy to get at the moment.

@SemiFeralDalek

Until you have lost a child, you can never predict how you will respond after the loss. I'm absolutely sure that your friend feels both the loss and the joy every day of her life. Stop judging your friend in her response to grief.

I'm sure sure once her daughter is old enough she will have her own opinions about what she wears anyway.

And like a pp said rainbows are fashionable.

This with bells on. Who are you to comment? As someone who lost their firstborn DD and has now had a rainbow baby, our DS, you can’t possibly understand the feelings involved. DS has a rainbow on his bedroom door and little rainbows on various clothing items. It doesn’t mean he’s living in his sisters shadow at all, he’s his own person, he’s an individual and will always be. As he’s older he can decide what clothes he wants. But it brings me great comfort to buy these little items because he’s so extra special to us, because he is our rainbow.

Back off from your friend and show a little empathy.

I understand what you mean. I get what your friend will have been devastated and needed to deal with her grief in her terms. But this rainbow baby should not be under the impression they are a replacement. This is a very heavy burden for a child.

Total YABU. Let people navigate their lives as best they can.

I have a friend similar to yours. My presumption is as the child has aged the rainbow initial meaning wears off and the trend has continued for them. It might continue to act as a positive talisman for them but without the sadness.

Rainbows are joyful and its on trend at the minute anyway so harder to stop the habit when your eye is drawn to this clothing range anyway.

Feels very distasteful for anyone to think they're better at grief.

I agree with @shefliesonherownwings. Have a bit more empathy for your friend.

I lost my DS three years ago and currently pregnant with his little brother after IVF. My DH and I have discussed many times how we can honour the memory of our late DS (he is forever an important part of our family) whilst not placing too heavy a burden on our rainbow baby. It's a difficult tightrope to walk and I'm sure we will be judged whatever we do.

My first born is my Sunshine, my second born is my Star (still born at 35 weeks) and if I'm lucky enough to have another baby then that baby will be my Rainbow.
Each precious, each special, and yet linked.

A range of views from 'there could be negative implications' to 'it's distasteful/judgemental to wonder if there could be negative implications because it's an expression of grief'. It's an emotive subject, understandably. Thanks for discussing it with me.

@youseethethingis I really liked what you said about all your children being linked

@Elkey

A range of views from 'there could be negative implications' to 'it's distasteful/judgemental to wonder if there could be negative implications because it's an expression of grief'. It's an emotive subject, understandably. Thanks for discussing it with me.

@youseethethingis I really liked what you said about all your children being linked

Unless she's called calling the dd "replacement for my lost baby" to her face then I don't see a problem. I'm imagining it's more "my darling little rainbow, you are so loved" type vibe. She will feel the preciousness of her dd every day when she feels her loss.

Rainbows are just a lovely typical baby design anyway. My toddler loves rainbows and looks super cute wearing them. No need to make a big deal of it.