Hello Mumsnetters! I have not posted here in decades but I need some perspective. I will try to be as honest as possible about what has happened so apologies in advance if I come over as a massive b*tch... During lockdown my oldest friend A stopped speaking to me. I had known her since primary school, we had daughters the same age who played together since early childhood, and A had supported me through some really difficult times in my own life. We had very different lives – I was a well-off professional in a secure, long-term relationship while she has had a number of abusive partners and has always struggled to have a stable career or even to make ends meet – and she might have seemed like an unlikely friend for me, but our shared past meant a huge amount to me and I loved her deeply. My family would often tell me A wasn’t a good friend to me: she was unreliable, often cancelling arrangements at the last minute, and sometimes lying about the reasons why. But I persisted in our friendship, often sending her flowers and presents and inviting her on trips and holidays, and meals out, almost all of which I paid for.
Through A I got to know another woman C, who over the years became a very close friend of mine in her own right. C is another professional woman with a relatively stable home life so perhaps (at least to the outside world) a more natural fit for me as a friend. She is also loving, supportive and empathetic and a wonderful friend. Our friendship has always been on a more equal basis – we do nice things for one another but it isn’t a one-way street.
Recently I separated from my partner after many decades together. At around this time A confided in me that she had got together with a man, B, who was C’s ex. I knew that C still had strong feelings for B and I was concerned at how she would react and I said so to A. A asked me to conceal the relationship from C and even asked me to lie about what was going on. I declined to do so. I hate lying and also felt a certain loyalty to C. I didn’t like the fact that A was asking me to lie for her.
I now wonder whether I should have got involved at all in what was really an issue for A to resolve with C herself. I have subsequently apologised to A for being judgmental about her relationship with B but A feels my apology didn’t go far enough. I think A felt hurt by my divided loyalties and that she (rightly) felt that C and I were discussing her behind her back. I am not proud of the fact that we did this.
Things moved on and I didn’t hear much from A in lockdown though I heard from my daughter that A was now planning her wedding to B.
Just recently A has written me a long letter detailing a number of ways I have hurt her feelings and saying that she never wants to see me again. Foremost in her list of grievances is the fact that I discussed with C her relationship with B. As A sees it, her relationship with B is nothing to do with C.
I don’t know whether I have got caught up in something that doesn’t concern me and have lost a valuable friendship as a result, or whether I have failed to notice that my friendship with A has run its course – or indeed whether A has actually abused the trust we built up over long years of friendship. A has said the way she feels is non-negotiable and that although I have apologised on a number of occasions, she still doesn’t feel I respect her.
Do I just need to learn from this and move on? I am, needless to say, not invited to the wedding