Cosleeping/getting DC to sleep in own room

[ForgettingWhatSleepFeelsLike]

Morning all -

I’m after some advice/an outsiders perspective surrounding breastfeeding, cosleeping and getting a cosleeping baby to sleep in their own cot - as I’m 1) confused and 2) too tired to gauge whether I’m right or wrong anymore!

Apologies as this will be long, but I want to include as much info as possible to try and get well rounded responses!

Background - 3 DC’s, 4, 3 and 20 months old. When I was pregnant with DC1, DH wanted me to breastfeed, or at least, to give it a very good go. DC1 had a bad latch and despite my best efforts, I couldn’t get to grips with it, so I pumped exclusively for several months before switching to formula. DC2 came along, and again, DH asked if I’d try breastfeeding. I was anxious about it given my previous attempts, but again, I gave it a little go. After a week of trying, it appeared as though more blood was coming out of my nipples than milk and I was in horrendous pain, my mental health took a turn for the worse and I wasn’t willing to fight through it all whilst juggling a newborn and a just turned one a year old, so I packed it in.
DC3 arrived and I was adamant I wasn’t even going to try and breastfeed as I had the nights of seeing blood trickling out of me, coupled with my other experience of pumping for hours on end stuck in my mind, so I was set on FF from the off. However, DC3 was around 3 days old when I suddenly thought ‘ok, I’m going to try, if they latch well and it doesn’t hurt too much, I’ll just take it day by day and see how we go’, and what do you know, both DC3 and I absolutely nailed it (there was of course still the early weeks of pain) but we got there - dh was delighted! - and here I am, still breastfeeding a 20 month old!

Because I was juggling a breastfeeding baby, a not quite 3 year old and a not quite 2 year old, I wound up cosleeping with DC3 as they fed almost every hour (sometimes stretching to every two hours) for months and months, so to save my sanity and allow me to have something resembling sleep, we coslept.
DH was never thrilled about this, but seeing as I was the one doing all the (countless) night feeds and then dealing with 3 DC’s three and under on my own the following day, I (selfishly?) chose to do what was right by me, the baby and other DC's who needed a functioning mum!

As DC3 got bigger, DH struggled to sleep with them in the bed, so he’d often get up and go and sleep on the sofa. I ended up feeling guilty about this, so as a result, I tried several times to get DC3 to sleep in their cot in our room, but they had none of it, meaning I was shattered, stressed and had no energy for all DC’s the next day, so I tended to give in and bring DC3 back in to bed. As more and more time passed, DH and I used to take it in turns for who would have the sofa, and who would have the bed. When it was my turn for the sofa, I’d push the two sofas together essentially creating a double bed, and DC3 and myself would be for the most part, pretty comfortable there, however it obviously wasn’t ideal for the long term.

We’ve now moved to a house where we have the space for DC3 to have their own room (previously we were in a flat and didn’t have enough bedrooms, so DC3 literally had to be in our room). I’ve been trying for a month to get DC3 to sleep in their cot but it is exhausting, I feel like I’ve got a newborn again. They’re not sleeping at all, when they wake in the night, they can be up from anywhere between 1 hour to 5 hours straight, and I usually spend a minimum of 90 minutes getting them back down each time they wake, only for them to spring wide awake again the second I go to leave, queue ear piercing screaming and another hour of comforting. It is particularly frustrating for me to have to go through this, as although having DC3 in their own room would be nice, I have zero issues with them being in the bed with me. It means they sleep, I sleep, I’m not a cranky mess the following day, I have energy to play with my other DC’s. I’m literally going through all of this for DH. On occasion since we moved, I’ve had the tendency to give up at around 3am (after several hours of trying to get dc3 back to sleep) and have brought them and myself down to the lounge to squeeze in a couple of hours sleep down there before other DC's wake up.

DH really not happy about this as he claims I’m ‘stopping DC3 from learning to sleep in their own bed’ - this irks me as 99% of the time it’s me dealing with all of the night wakings, it’s me that losing all of the sleep, and also, all that’s happening at the moment is that I’ve swapped one ‘bad habit’ (cosleeping) for another - holding and rocking DC3 to sleep! Nothing else works and they’ll just scream and scream and scream if I attempt anything else. So I fail to see how me sitting in DC3’s room basically all night long, holding him, is helping him learn to be in his own cot! I might as well have him in the bloody bed because he’s still sleeping with/on me, just in a different room!

DH and I have had a few ‘heated talks’ since we’ve moved regarding DC3’s sleep. DH at one point said ‘if he knew how hard and tiring breastfeeding would be, he wouldn’t have wanted me to do it’ 🧐. He’s also claiming that it’s my fault DC3 doesn’t sleep, as I ‘never should have coslept in the first place’ so the reason I’m now struggling, is entirely on me!
I keep trying to tell him that breastfeeding and cosleeping often go hand in hand, and that millions of women around the world do it, but he’s treating me like I’ve committed some kind of sin, and that because it was me who ‘got us in to this mess’ it’s on me to get us out of it again.

I’m so, so tired and so stressed. In an ideal world, DC3 would sleep in their cot sunrise to sunset, but that obviously isn’t going to be happening any time soon.

AIBU to be pissed off at DH for blaming me entirely, and offering no support? It’s making me feel awful, but in the back of my mind, I know there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with cosleeping, it’s perfectly natural and normal!

Also, AIBU for occasionally giving in and sleeping downstairs with DC3? I’m not doing it for the fun of it, of course I’d rather be in my own bed! But I’m so exhausted and need some form of rest to deal with the other DC’s, and after hours of sitting in an uncomfortable rocking chair trying to settle DC3 and getting nowhere, I often feel like I have no choice!

because it was me who ‘got us in to this mess’ it’s on me to get us out of it again.

What a horrible man. He doesn't sound very supportive OP.

Your husband is being a total dick.

In your position, I would buy the biggest bed you can possibly fit in your room and stick with the co-sleeping. Your baby will grow out of it eventually, but in the meantime you can’t be sitting up or sleeping on the sofa. It’s not particularly safe, and you must be shattered. Your husband’s opinion on this is frankly worth nothing since he isn’t doing any of the actual work. I would tell him firmly you simply don’t want to hear another word from him unless he’s offering to take on at least half of the night wakings etc.

I co slept with both DD's and breastfed until they were 22 months. You'll probably find that most people who breastfeed also co sleep and it makes the most sense and ensures everyone gets enough sleep.

If you are co sleeping and still breastfeeding I recommend Jay Gordon as the best method for night weaning.

Both my DD's slept through the night after using this method. They then slept in their own room a few months later.

I found decorating the room, picking duvets etc made the transition easier. We took turns to stay in the room until they fell asleep each night. Then after a few (6+) months we started to leave the room so they could fall asleep alone.

DD's are 5 &. 3 now and will still sometimes climb into our bed during the night. But we are happy with this.

Your husband is a dickhead. Sorry but he is and tiredness is no excuse for it, he still has the choice to not take it out on you.

I co-slept with three of my four DC (one much preferred their own sleeping space) and they all ended up in their own beds eventually, I do not have a 12 year old sleeping with me. The way I helped encourage it was to start the night in their own bed. So at bedtime they'd be put in their own bed and I'd stay for a little bit until they were settled/drowsy, I used to sit and read my book while I waited, then if they woke up during the night they could get into my bed for the remainder of the night. Once they were used to this set up I started gradually leaving their room at bedtime sooner and sooner until I could put them down awake and leave within 5-10 minutes. Getting used to being in bed alone, awake, and going to sleep themselves meant that if they woke in the night it wasn't such an unusual thing to be alone in bed and they gradually stopped coming into my bed every night, sometimes they'd go 2-3 nights without coming in at all or wouldn't come until around 3-4am, and then I'd reach a point where I realised they hadn't been in for weeks and that was that, done. There are faster ways to do it but I like my sleep and I didn't want the whole household woken up by a toddler kicking off in the small hours so, for me, this was the easiest way to do it.

Your husband sounds awful. Sorry, I have no practical advice, but he needs a serious reality check. He should be asking what he can do to help, or failing that just providing emotional support, and he is doing neither. Ask him what he thinks his role as husband and father is supposed to be because right now all he's doing is making you feel worse.

This is DH problem not a cosleeping problem.

Can you put DH in the other room and you and DC3 have the big bed? Perhaps when he gets a grip you can share a bed.

I firmly believe sleep is developmental and I don't see how you not getting sleep to hold and soothe your baby is better than cosleeping.if you are happy to do it and getting sleep then that should be fine.

Thank you all -

Yes, I agree that quite a few who breastfeed, will also be cosleeping as it just makes the most sense! But DH would've rather I sat up in bed feeding during those early, shattering months, resettling the baby that way, as opposed to me just laying down, baby latching and both of us drifting back to sleep within minutes.

I think he gets frustrated as he can't settle DC3, and he blames the breastfeeding for that. He can settle them, it'll just take him a good hour or two - which I do ALL the time - however he sees it taking him so long as 'he won't settle with me!'. Like, no, it just takes forever at the moment!

I will definitely check out Jay Gordon! I'm not too fussed about stopping the night feeds/night weaning, if dc could feed, then go straight back to sleep in their cot, that would be fine. But a lot of the time, it doesn't matter whether they've been fed or not, it's the same rigmarole of rock, rock, rock, in to the cot, wake up, scream, rock the cot etc etc and so on and so forth.

Thank you for confirming my suspicions that dh should be more supportive right now. Where I'm so tired, I was slowly starting to believe that this is my fault, that I have done something wrong!

If it helps we just night weaned DC2.

I now sleep with DC1 - who is 4. DH now sleeps with DC2 - who is 28 months. The first 3 nights she ran her hands over his hairy chest and cried 'No! No little boobs! Want big boobs!' for about an hour at 3 am. Then she adjusted. They'll get there.

Totally normal to co-sleep when you're breastfeeding. It's just so much easier. Your DS will eventually "get" sleeping in his own cot. Are you still feeding at night time? I found that made a huge difference to my DD's sleep - once I'd night weaned her she learnt how to settle herself. It took a while and there were many steps backwards but life is getting a lot easier now.

Your DH is being a dick!
What about getting a floor bed for DC3s room (child proofed room and gate on the door) then you can lie down with them to feed and roll away and go back to bed (or stay there comfortably!!) Mine absolutely will not settle in a cot but I'm about to try and transition her to her own room using this method.

You haven't done anything wrong. Unfortunately husbands are not always as supportive as they ought to be.
I would try and night wean, but it will have to be your husband who deals with this. A 22 month doesn't need feeding at night. If he wakes your husband should settle him, that way your child won't be getting upset because they know you have milk. It will be a tedious few nights but doable.
Alternatively, get another mattress for your son's room and let DH sleep in there while you share the big bed with baby.
You need to agree to prioritize sleep for everyone, and think about how to achieve that - not your husband just decide that it's all up to you.

@WombatStewForTea Definitely second this. Transitioned my cosleeping now 1 year old into a single sized floor bed when she was 10 months. Previously my DH had been sleeping on it. It’s really easy to lie next to her to feed and settle, then slowly roll away. Older family members were a bit but it’s worked really well for our cosleeping, cot hating, breastfed girl. About 50% of the time she now sleeps through completely!

We did exactly what @BlatantlyNameChanged did for ours. And now at 3 he is a fantastic sleeper - far better than all my friends’ kids who were sleep trained at 6 months.

Your DH sounds like the problem here. And well done to you for surviving with 3 so close in age!

Bless you, OP, your husband really needs to give his head a wobble here. It sounds like he had this fantasy idea that breastfeeding would be this fantastic wonderful thing that YOU could do and he is somewhat surprised to have found that it may impact on him too

We "still" cosleep with our three year old son and I "still" breastfeed him (although he is night weaned). As a first point, you really must stop sleeping with your toddler on a sofa or in an armchair (I couldn't work out if you are still doing this, but if you're sitting in a chair to try to resettle him at night I assume you are at least occasionally dropping off with him too), it's a major SIDS risk (which I'm sure you already know but how on earth your husband could sleep comfortably in his big bed alone knowing that you were on a pair of sofas with his baby is beyond me).

Lots of the statistics that supposedly show cosleeping is a SIDS risk group different things together, for example they lump sleeping on a sofa or armchair (extremely risky) with cosleeping on a flat firm mattress (much less risky). The Lullaby Trust publish safe cosleeping guidelines which you can easily find online

I would really really recommend that you join the Facebook group The Beyond Sleep Training Project for lots of advice, support, solidarity and tips. Cosleeper just down, must dash

Husband is a twat

I had same with both of mine and both managed to transition to their own beds fine between 2-3.. I still lay with them til they slept for 20 -40 mins each night then snuck off but that gave me peace and quiet and a chance to piss about on my phone or kindle so win win. They’re 6 and 3 now and sleep in a low level bunk bed together while I am in the chair 😂

Didn't bf but still ended up co-sleeping! DS is almost a year old and trying to get him to sleep in his own cot as I'm pregnant so the time has come. It is incredibly difficult!! Mentally and physically tiring. Persistence is key, but I can't imagine how tough it must be to have to do it by yourself. Your husband needs to step up! I am no expert, but giving in seems to teach them that they just have to cry for longer/ kick up a fuss for longer to get what they want (to be cuddled/ brought into your bed). Having support from somebody to swap with you so you can go back in more determined is so important to being able to persevere! No wonder you're "giving in" - its relentless. My husband works long hours so the majority of it falls to me, I've roped my mum in to help! 2 people need to tackle it together in my opinion. Once you start seeing improvements it will be worthwhile x

Your husband needs to have a word with himself. We all get tired looking after little kids and sometimes you just have to do whatever it takes to get some sleep. I would second getting a bigger bed.

My 4yo still sleeps with us. 🙈 He was already properly used to sleeping in his own room as a baby, but then the pandemic happened and we started sleeping in the same bed because it was comforting, and he's still there around 18 months later. Haha. DH and I also do the nights on the sofa. We are also in the process of moving and are talking about getting a bigger bed when we do move. I think DC will go and sleep in his room when he's ready, and as long as we're all getting enough sleep, then I'm not going to try and change anything.