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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child access

38 replies

newmummylucy · 21/06/2021 08:47

Hi everyone

I am thinking of divorcing my husband who is emotional abusive to me. We have a son together who is 1 years old.

My husband is demanding he has our son from a Thursday-Sunday every week (we will be living 3 hours apart)

When my son was very little my husband made a huge mistake while in the care of our son and he got arrested for it and my son went to hospital and social services got involved - my son could have died because of his stupidity. I don't want to go into it on here incase he somehow finds this thread.

I therefore don't trust him with our son and have said no to Thursday-Sunday and he thinks I'm being unreasonable. Because I have said no he has them in turn turned around and told me he will only give me XYZ amount of child maintenance and in his words has said "you control the access I control the finances"

I have said to him he can see our son on a Saturday for the day and when he builds up my trust he can see him overnight Saturday - Sunday and then eventually Friday - Sunday....I'm not even happy with this but I know my son loves spending time with him so I don't want to get in the way of that. I am concerned for my sons safety and I think he is far too young to be away from me for that long.

My husband has been recording our arguments without me knowing (he showed them to me last night) and has said he will use them against me in court as a form of me abusing him...

He has been emotionally abusing me for 2 years. All throughout my pregnancy and birth and onwards. I have it logged with the health visitor and police and also what he did is on the police file too.

Can someone please give me some advice? Am I being unreasonable?

Thanks

Lucy

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 21/06/2021 08:48

Get yourself a solicitor asap.

Original poster
newmummylucy · 21/06/2021 08:49

Thanks I am doing that today

OP posts:
bluejelly · 21/06/2021 08:50

So sorry to hear. I would suggest solicitor and women's aid. I don't blamed you for wanting to restrict access - sounds v sensible!

Mindymomo · 21/06/2021 08:55

You need a Solicitor and to log everything from the past and present and get as much evidence as you can. As SS and Police have been involved it will go against him, but he’s trying to be clever and make out you’re a bad person, so rise above it.

Tinkywinkydinkydoo · 21/06/2021 09:29

I would get an order of residence ASAP as if he’s on the birth certificate he could just take your son and not give him back. Use the online csa calculator to see what your entitled too, if he has a on the books job he’ll have no choice but to pay child support but the process may take a while.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 21/06/2021 09:32

He has a history of child abuse. He doesn't get to decide when he sees your dc.. Let a judge decide that. He also doesn't get to decide what he pays to support the dc either... Cms. See a solicitor today. And do not hand your dc over. Ss may not be happy if you do. Protect your dc. Let a judge deem him safe to have your dc unsupervised..

LittleOwl153 · 21/06/2021 09:33

CMS for child support. Know what you are entitled to and take that element off the table it is not a negotiation.

I'd also not agree to every weekend. That might work for now but before you know it your baby will be in school 5 days a week or even in preschool/nursery whilst you return to work. If you give him every weekend you will not get any fun time with your child and your child will resent you for all the grunt work. If you set that precedent with a baby it will be difficult to change later.

A solicitor will advise.

Emmelina · 21/06/2021 09:35

Get a solicitor involved. Do you still have social services involved too? Tell them what’s going on, they can help! “When he was very little” wasn’t that long ago, your son is only a year old. This man cannot be trusted with unsupervised access, don’t be bullied into giving it.

LittleOwl153 · 21/06/2021 09:36

Oh and do not hand over your child until you have a child arrangement order with a penal notice attached - Otherwise he can just walk off and not return as he has PR if you were married when he was born / dh name on the birth certificate.

vivainsomnia · 21/06/2021 09:41

Let the courts decide. What happened in the past could result in no unsupervised access at all, it deemed a one off incident that he has learnt from and not one to hold regular contact.

We can't decide and probably neither can you. Better he is angry at the judge than you only.

He doesn't get to decide how much he pays maintenance. Go through the agency and again let them tell him what he has to pay you.

Jizzle · 21/06/2021 10:11

I think you are out of order for restricting the amount of time your child can be with their dad.

Yes, he seems to have made a mistake in the past, but i doubt he'll do the same thing again, and you are just being clouded by the way he treated you and punishing your child who will resent you for not letting them have a relationship with their dad

BadGherkin · 21/06/2021 10:21

It sounds like it was one hell of a “mistake”, @Jizzle. I would push for restricted access too, if the other parent caused my DC to nearly die because of their actions.

Let the court decide, but get legal advice ASAP. At such a young age, it may not be anything like the amount of time your ex is demanding.

Sn0tnose · 21/06/2021 10:24

Yes, he seems to have made a mistake in the past, but i doubt he'll do the same thing again

And you’d be willing to bet the life of your one year old on that, would you?

Original poster
newmummylucy · 21/06/2021 10:38

The sort of reply my husband would give @Jizzle 🙂 clearly you shouldn't be trusted in the care of a minor either.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 21/06/2021 10:41

It might not even be in your hands OP.
SS would possibly not be pleased if you did give him unsupervised access like that. I’m guessing he left your son alone or similar and an accident happened, but I completely understand why you don’t want to give details.
You need proper legal advice.

Soubriquet · 21/06/2021 10:42

Let him take you to court for access

The fact your ds nearly died in his care and was under social services review, I doubt the judge will allow your ex to have ds alone

Soubriquet · 21/06/2021 10:43

@Jizzle

I think you are out of order for restricting the amount of time your child can be with their dad.

Yes, he seems to have made a mistake in the past, but i doubt he'll do the same thing again, and you are just being clouded by the way he treated you and punishing your child who will resent you for not letting them have a relationship with their dad

The child nearly died!

He was arrested and social services got involved.

It may have been an accident but it was a potentially deadly accident. If someone kills someone accidentally, it’s manslaughter! Not “oh it was an accident. Never mind. We will let you off this time”

Hoppinggreen · 21/06/2021 10:43

@Jizzle

I think you are out of order for restricting the amount of time your child can be with their dad.

Yes, he seems to have made a mistake in the past, but i doubt he'll do the same thing again, and you are just being clouded by the way he treated you and punishing your child who will resent you for not letting them have a relationship with their dad

Did you miss the part where the child could have died and the husband was arrested? For him to be arrested it must have been quite the “mistake” That’s a major thing and as a parent would do everything in my power never to leave my child with a person who did something like that.
Jizzle · 21/06/2021 10:47

@newmummylucy

The sort of reply my husband would give *@Jizzle* 🙂 clearly you shouldn't be trusted in the care of a minor either.
He made a mistake, one which he was arrested for. The chances of him making the same mistake again must be miniscule, weigh that against the very real chance that your child will want to see their dad and will hold it against you in the future if they can't.

I'm not saying he should have her Thurs-Sun from day one, but start with say the weekend, then work up to 50/50, which is ultimately what is most beneficial to the child.

Hoppinggreen · 21/06/2021 10:50

If I had to weigh my child resenting me vs my child dying I know what I would choose.

Soubriquet · 21/06/2021 10:51

I think Jizzle is the ex

Original poster
newmummylucy · 21/06/2021 10:53

I think you might be right.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/06/2021 10:54

When I was divorcing, my lawyer said that courts give very short shrift to parties who go around recording things to make their point. You can easily turn this around as an example of him being abusive to you by recording you.

I agree, CMS for maintenance.

You don’t want to be giving him every weekend as this is the quality time, esp when they start school, or earlier when they are at nursery and you at work. I agree with starting small and building up (if he had anything at all, given his history) but just remember never to give him all weekends.

VimFuego101 · 21/06/2021 10:54

@Soubriquet

I think Jizzle is the ex
I thought the same thing.
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/06/2021 10:57

50:50 isn’t thought to be in the best interests of young children either. It can work well for teens - my teen does it as it minimises the number of times she has to move school stuff, which is a lot at secondary age.

But little kids tend to benefit from a “main” home (albeit they still have two homes) and at home being with the person who has been their main carer, or who will nurture them most - often the mother in reality but not always, because very little is always the case.

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