Phasing out a friendship

[Arrrrggghh]

Have name changed to avoid identification but am a regular poster

Posting for advice and opinions re dealing with a friend of 25 years. Over that 25 years, she has struggled a lot, on and off (and more often on) with mental health, abusive / controlling relationships, alcohol and drug abuse, in and out of employment, money worries, generally just struggled.

I will go months without really hearing from her (although she plasters her life all over Facebook) and she only ever seems to contact me in a crisis. And then it’s persistent. Won’t stop calling, even if it’s clear I am in work.

Zero interest in my life. Never asks any questions and forgets birthdays etc even though I always remember hers.

I’m fed up with it but feel cruel and terribly guilty if I cut her off. I always have a terrible fear something bad will happen to her. But it’s been 25 years. I’m tired of it all. I have been there for her time and time again. She doesn’t ever listen to any advice I give (not that I am qualified) and I just feel like an outlet. I get nothing at all from the friendship.

AIBU to phase out contact?

Sounds more like a user than a friend. Some of us tie ourselves up in knots thinking of mothers and trying not to upset or offend. Those people don't give us the same courtesy. Just block and try not to waste energy feeling bad.

Thinking of others. Not mothers

Stop being there for her , it's probably the easiest way to get her to go away. She will have little interest in you when you suddenly become unavailable to clean up her messes.

Something bad is constantly happening to her - that's sad but, as you say, you cant prevent it from happening. You've just become a prop she uses to prop up her own disfunction.

As a pp.says, it wont be too hard to phase her out. Just dont respond to her next crisis by rallying round.

Thanks all. I was nervous checking back at this post in case anyone called me a heartless bitch. I couldn’t be less of one, I’m just at the end of my tether and I can’t keep picking up the pieces of crisis after crisis after crisis with nothing at all back in between

Not unreasonable at all

So, what next then. Send a ‘parting’ text or just not respond to the next crisis? I don’t want to cause more drama for her but neither can I deal with it anymore.

Frankly I just wouldn't respond the next time. Don't send her some parting message as it will probably trigger off some drama.

You aren't heartless - we only have so much in the engine and it sounds like it's been a one way affair for years. You need to put yourself first for a change.