Husband annoyed at me complaining

[Cabra82]

AIBU to say the previous few years (difficult twin pregnancy, then 3 years of looking after twins, inc 1.5 years during pandemic and no near by family plus working part time from home) have been hard for me? Husband is criticizing me for “always complaining” and saying how hard it has been. In his words- women all over have babies and they just get on with it! I mean- I “get on with it” but also don’t feel like I should be expected to put a smile on my face and forget how hard the past four years have been for me- his life has obviously changed, but I personally think it is much more intense for women. What do you think? Is this just a case of men not getting it? Not sure he will ever get it. Or do you think I’m being unreasonable?

Probably a bit from column a and a bit from column b

Yes it has been hard but listening to someone complain and grumble all the time is draining too

Well, are you constantly moaning and complaining? There's only so much of that anyone can take. If you are that unhappy you need to make changes or seek therapy.

I don’t think I have been - I’m generally tired but quite happy with my life at the moment, but perhaps it is me being tired all the time that he is bothered by? Will make an effort to check how often I complain in the future- at same time I don’t agree with being silenced/ having to put a smile on…

I would imagine it's a bit of him being unreasonable or not getting it and a bit of you prone to moaning.

Is it worth thinking about how many times a day you complain about things, from big lockdown has been hard conversations to small things? I worked with a lovely colleague but she didn't half vocalise every grumble that most people keep in their head. It was quite frustrating.

YABU - Listening to Someone complaining all the time gets boring and brings everyone around you down - yes the last year has been difficult but it's been the same for everyone. If you've been harping on like a broken record /going around with a face on for the last 18 months or so I can understand why he's not exactly feeling sympathetic

(I have 5 month old twins plus a 5 year old plus worked full time during the pandemic with a difficult pregnancy all whilst home schooling and back at work full time now as I'm the main earner 🤷‍♀️)

It’s not a competition by the way. There’s other stuff going on that I have not mentioned, but don’t feel it is necessary for you to compare your situation with mine. I could say- if you are working full time then you aren’t main caregiver of your kids obviously so that’s a whole different ball game. But thanks for the honest comment.

@Cabra82 if there is other things going on then how are we supposed to give an honest answer? We aren't mind readers?

(..just because I work full time doesn't make me not the main care giver by the way....)

I sympathise with you op; having twins in normal times would be tough but throw in a pandemic..

I suspect your life has been far more changed than his and tougher than his. His unsupportive attitude must grate.

You need to change the dynamic as it's obviously really bothering you both. How can you bring happiness into your life? Can you have a night out with friends once every couple of weeks so you can have a giggle. Or a long soak once a week? Can you delegate some household jobs to your OH so the workload feels more shared. Can you have the occasional date night? Or maybe some counselling as they will balance out yours and his views.

Thanks tortoiselover these are helpful suggestions, I think counseling could be an option to try to see from each other’s point of view. Not sure asking for more help around the house would work as he always says how busy he is and just expects me to get on with it myself but it is something to think about and see if we can make a compromise.

It is impossible to tell. You could be YABU or he could be!

He may be taking your complaints as a criticism of him or a comparison to how he has found the past few years (obviously you think easier).

It has been a hard time for everyone. If you do complain a lot, maybe you aren't enjoying life and need to make changes.

I'm not sure that most men 'don't get it'. I think everyone has their own difficulties, stresses and ways of dealing with them. There is a lot of focus on men's mental health in the UK at the moment and one issue frequently mentioned is men not speaking about their own problems and bottling it all up. Not saying that your husband has mh issues, but may not be talking about his pressures which is making him sensitive to hearing about yours.

Depends what you’re moaning about. If it’s just constant background dribble about how hard your life is then YABU. If you’re complaining because you have a lazy arse husband who doesn’t pull his weight and leaves to to do everything then YANBU at all. One of the things you could do is work out what would make you happy and then sit down with him and work out how to make that happen.

He sounds like an insensitive idiot, in my opinion.
You need to get out more, leaving two kids with him to look after.

I imagine having twin babies and working alongside with no family nearby is incredibly difficult and I don't think you're unreasonable to complain sometimes. I had two high needs babies and my husband said I complained (which I did sometimes as neither of them slept through until about aged four and my work was intense) but if I ever left him with either of them and went out for a couple of hours he would be on the phone to me within minutes trying to get me to come home as he couldn't cope!

And I forgot to add that he very quickly became the one doing the complaining when he had to look after them!

It isn't fun to listen to someone complaining all the time who is not actively working to make things better.

You should either be discussing things with a view to improving them (constrictive), or keeping them to yourself if not constructive and not that impactful on you, or seeing a therapist / counsellor if you are depressed and you don't have the power to make things better.

I don't mind listening to friends or partner complain for short periods of time in a sympathetic way (shoulder to cry on etc), and am happy to help them figure out how to solve situations that are bothering them (I like being helpful) but if they went on and on about things and had no interest in advice to fix them I would get sick of that pretty quickly. It just brings your mood down. Either be willing to work to fix things, keep it to yourself, or share it with a professional who is being paid to listen to misery.

Thanks so much posters, this is really helpful about how I need to focus on what I can do to change my life and be happier. The weird thing is I do feel in a much better place than 3 years ago but will realistically have to wait for the pandemic to ease down this year for certain things to get better. We just had a long discussion and he listened to my point of view and agreed it had been really hard couple of years for me (sorry not listing all my dramas!) and we started listing out things that can be improved and we are both going to see a therapist separately to work on our own issues. Agree re mental health being important as for women and men, so I told him it’s a good idea for him to have a neutral space for him to talk about how he is feeling without me feeling criticized/ judged. Thanks again- don’t feel so alone!

@Cabra82

Thanks tortoiselover these are helpful suggestions, I think counseling could be an option to try to see from each other’s point of view. Not sure asking for more help around the house would work as he always says how busy he is and just expects me to get on with it myself but it is something to think about and see if we can make a compromise.

So he moans too, about being busy. But his moaning isn't moaning because what, he's the big man with the big important job? You worked before having twins didn't you OP, how does it compare? Rhetorical question, I have twins, I worked in a high pressure, tight deadline job in finance before I had kids and it was a piece of piss compared to toddler/baby twins, and that was long before corona times when there were plenty of groups and activities to take them to.

So you -

• Care for twins full-time - do they go to nursery at all?
• Work part-time
• Do all the chores and housework.

Is that correct?

What does he do? How are weekends split?

If you do complain a lot, maybe you aren't enjoying life and need to make changes.

The number one change I would make with toddler twins would be look after them less and for others to look after them more. But that relies on paying for childcare or the OP's husband doing more.

Hmmmm sounds like one of those classics cases where you would probably be happier and moan less if your DH stepped up domestically a bit more!

@Jellybabiesforbreakfast

If you do complain a lot, maybe you aren't enjoying life and need to make changes.

The number one change I would make with toddler twins would be look after them less and for others to look after them more. But that relies on paying for childcare or the OP's husband doing more.

This is quite sage advice… thank you! Sometimes I feel guilty trying to do it all but yes, agree that for me this would probably help. Thanks :)

Toomuchtooold I do agree with you, I had a career before this and it’s a different level of tiredness/stress, and logistical planning (which never ends) which men don’t get. Husband is off for a week for work (which I am looking forward to and support!) and all he has to do is pack his bag and plan his work week. None of the logistical nightmare planning that I would have to do if I were leaving for a week! (Planning suitable childcare, menu planning, pre cooking and freezing foods, ensuring laundry is up to date, reminders for husband for daily toddler life etc etc). But am feeling optimistic about making changes to make life easier and have a therapist, someone neutral, to talk about these things with. Thanks guys