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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to ask if this poem’s any good

46 replies

Millionnewnames · 20/06/2021 22:44

Just that really, dabbling in poetry as a distraction from life atm. For context, I’m a painter and very much into ‘old’ art and literature. Here’s a draft , so please don’t pick apart the grammar or the borrowed olde English , it’s just how it came out really :)

Silly Things.

Beware the purple heathered hills,
That kiss the mossy gorge.
Tread not across the windswept mounds
Between the golden gorse.

Don’t clamber down the waterfalls
To the shimmering creeks below,
Or gaze between the diamond ripples
Into the fishes home.

Tread not through ferns and ancient trees
Where shy woodland flowers grow.
Where fairies surely dance each night
When human eyes are closed.

Avoid the strawberry painted sky
When framed with amber gold.
For a sunset can steal a brave man’s heart
And claim a wandering soul.

Sit not among the meadow flowers,
As the morning chorus rings,
For ‘twill fill your heart with paint and poetry
And other silly things.

She hides between the jagged rocks,
Which guard the briny pools,
She whispers in the salty winds
As each wave doth rise and fall.

She’ll pluck you from the clifftops,
To win your heart forever
The roots of the ancient forest
will bind your feet together.

Beware the goddess of nature
The mistress of the wild,
Her power and her beauty
leave you helpless as a child.

Sit not among the meadow flowers
As the morning chorus rings
For twill fill your heart with paint and poetry
And other silly things.

OP posts:
FoxgloveSummers · 20/06/2021 22:59

Mostly quite good with some rough edges so could do with a good edit. I also can’t stand “twill” etc because it reminds me of strange young men in fedoras pretending to be “old fashioned gentlemen”.

FoxgloveSummers · 20/06/2021 23:02

You could change “For twill fill your heart with paint and poetry” to “your heart will follow with paint and rhyme” and it’d mean about the same. I really like the sky imagery and the repetition of injunctions not to do things! I think that works.

FoxgloveSummers · 20/06/2021 23:02

Damnit phone “your heart will fill with paint and rhyme”

alwayswithhope · 20/06/2021 23:11

Very mixed poem. Using old then modern sentences, it takes 4 verses before there is even a mention of the ‘she’ which presumably is what the poem is centered on. Don’t clamber’ is very harsh and doesn’t work. I didn’t feel very strongly about it either way really - not good but not terrible either. With some refinement it could be improved.

alwayswithhope · 20/06/2021 23:13

App feel that silly things doesn’t work in a ‘serious’ toned poem

RagzReturnsRebooted · 20/06/2021 23:14

It kind of feels like the first half and second half are separate poems. I liked the first half, but not the title and would drop the brave man.
It's definitely not terrible though.

Millionnewnames · 20/06/2021 23:15

Thank you for your well considered constructive criticism :) it’s exactly what I needed. Shared with a couple of people and just got ‘ooh I love it’ type comments , which are absolutely useless. I’ll revise it a bit and come back. Hopefully you’ll be kind enough to read again. Thank you :)

OP posts:
lemonsyellow · 20/06/2021 23:17

I think it’s the adjectives that let it down. There’s too many adjective-plus-noun combinations, and it’s a bit cliched.

alwayswithhope · 20/06/2021 23:18

@Millionnewnames it could be worth looking up some spark notes exam English explanations of poems. If would give you an idea of structure, genre etc and help centre your thoughts when writing.

lughnasadh · 20/06/2021 23:20

It's very 'shallow' somehow.

Just convenient rhymes with no depth or focus. No pathos, or humour, or anything.

cariadlet · 20/06/2021 23:31

I like the structure of the poem as a warning about the power of nature and it has a strong rhythm; it would work well read aloud. Lots of phrases I like eg claim a wandering soul.

I agree with the others about the title and the repeated lines of "silly things". They undermine the rest of the poem. I'd also get rid of the line about fairies dancing. To me that feels too twee. I would change brave but I'm not sure what to. It depends on whether you want to say that a Romantic (in the sense of the Romantic artists, musicians and writers) , creative open-minded person would have their heart stolen by nature or whether you want to say that even a dull, narrow minded Gradgrind kind of person would have their heart stolen if they spent time in nature. I think that either would work better than brave which seems irrelevant.

cariadlet · 20/06/2021 23:32

PS I do admire you for posting your writing, especially in AIBU. I wouldn't dare!

RealhousewifeofStoke · 20/06/2021 23:34

I know it’s not what you want OP but I think it’s lovely 😊 Lovely clear imagery.

Millionnewnames · 20/06/2021 23:50

@cariadlet

PS I do admire you for posting your writing, especially in AIBU. I wouldn't dare!
Haha. I know what you mean. I’m not at all precious about the poetry though, I’ve just started reading it and writing a little for fun. My paintings I’m very sensitive with though, I’ve had two clients reject commissions and it literally broke me for weeks. Wasn’t the money I lost , it was a genuine emotional kick in the teeth . Luckily 90% are well received. I’m enjoying having a dabble with words though , it’s quick and non committed and it makes me read and think more which can only be a good thing :)
OP posts:
SheepGoBaaaa · 20/06/2021 23:56

Honestly, it needs considerable reworking. The ‘silly things’ phrase and title simply doesn’t work as it is. Most of the poem is warning the reader away from a power of nature constructed as awe-inspiring and dangerous, but the twice-repeated punchline — and title — suggest that if you don’t obey the warnings, and you give in to nature, all that’s going to happen is you’ll be filled with ‘silly things’ like paint and poetry.

Now, do you intend the reader to agree that painting and pottery are ‘silly’? It seems rather odd to write a poem which views poetry as fundamentally silly, and rather anticlimactic after the very serious-sounding warnings. Or do you want the reader to disagree with this sentiment, thereby making the ‘voice’ of the poem some tiresome old drone who thinks poetry is ridiculous and wants everyone to stick to facts? If so, I think you need to demonstrate that far more clearly in the voice of rest of the poem. The self-consciously archaic poetic language (‘twill’, ‘doth’ etc) suggest a speaker who is familiar with poetic language, not a poetry hater. Decide who is speaking here.

I agree with a pp that you need to ruthlessly eradicate clichés — try to find ways of describing gorse that isn’t ‘golden’, heather that isn’t ‘purple’, rocks that aren’t ‘jagged’ etc.

SheepGoBaaaa · 20/06/2021 23:56

Painting and POETRY! Not ‘pottery’.

Millionnewnames · 21/06/2021 00:01

@SheepGoBaaaa

Honestly, it needs considerable reworking. The ‘silly things’ phrase and title simply doesn’t work as it is. Most of the poem is warning the reader away from a power of nature constructed as awe-inspiring and dangerous, but the twice-repeated punchline — and title — suggest that if you don’t obey the warnings, and you give in to nature, all that’s going to happen is you’ll be filled with ‘silly things’ like paint and poetry.

Now, do you intend the reader to agree that painting and pottery are ‘silly’? It seems rather odd to write a poem which views poetry as fundamentally silly, and rather anticlimactic after the very serious-sounding warnings. Or do you want the reader to disagree with this sentiment, thereby making the ‘voice’ of the poem some tiresome old drone who thinks poetry is ridiculous and wants everyone to stick to facts? If so, I think you need to demonstrate that far more clearly in the voice of rest of the poem. The self-consciously archaic poetic language (‘twill’, ‘doth’ etc) suggest a speaker who is familiar with poetic language, not a poetry hater. Decide who is speaking here.

I agree with a pp that you need to ruthlessly eradicate clichés — try to find ways of describing gorse that isn’t ‘golden’, heather that isn’t ‘purple’, rocks that aren’t ‘jagged’ etc.

Thank you for this. I think it points out to me that the poem isn’t well understood. I’ve not quite delivered it correctly . The actual meaning is that poetry and art are very important and that falling into nature and allowing it to inspire you are very much encouraged. ‘Silly things’ is meant with irony. They are very important things. I haven’t delivered it well .
OP posts:
SheepGoBaaaa · 21/06/2021 00:03

Then I think you need to highlight the irony elsewhere as well as just in the refrain, if what you’re really saying is ‘Embrace nature and write and paint’!

FoxgloveSummers · 21/06/2021 00:27

Think that point will come over better if you use different examples the first time and lay the groundwork for the ending

Whatup · 21/06/2021 00:52

It's lovely no idea why people are shredding it apart it made perfect sense. It gives a sense of this green and pleasant land and paints a lovely picture of an artist (perhaps yourself) falling in love with the countryside. It's well written, familiar but not unoriginal. It's mild and picturesque. Well done! Don't stop now ride the inspiration train till it runs out!

Whatup · 21/06/2021 00:52

Would make an amazing water colour book.

ViciousJackdaw · 21/06/2021 01:23

Not keen on title - it implies a comical or sentimental verse and this is neither.
Verse 1: Liked it a lot, think it flowed well.
Verse 2: Quite clunky, no rhythm. Line 1 seems odd, 'Don't' seems incongruous with the previous 'Tread not...'.
Verse 3: A repeat of 'Tread not...' which seems a little half-arsed, sorry. Then 2 uses of 'Where' - maybe the 2nd one should be 'And' instead?
Verse 4: 3rd line clunky. How about 'For sunset steals...' instead?
Verse 5: Exactly as sheep says
Verse 6: Made me think of a mermaid. Perhaps it could be the start of a poem about sirens of the sea or something?
Verse 7: Straight from the sea to the cliffs then slap bang in the middle of the forest. A bit all over the place and the last two lines are clunky.
Verse 8: Would work very well as part of a separate poem. Is there anything other than 'helpless as a child' you could use though - that seems a little cliched to me.
Verse 8: it's that 'For 'twill' again. If there was a definite pattern, the repetition may work but this feels very random.

Please remember that this is my opinion and is in no way fact. I could be talking out of my backside for all I know. One thing this poem is not though - it is not awful. Not awful at all and has plenty of potential. Please keep at it and I'd just like to say, you're a bloody good sport for posting this!

Millionnewnames · 21/06/2021 01:54

Thanks everyone. I feel like I’m taking away some excellent pointers. I’ve actually got some specific issues to address. And nobody actually said ‘uh , I don’t get it?’ Which means at least it was understandable to a degree. Great! Thank you ! :)

OP posts:
Elephantcats · 21/06/2021 03:42

I think it’s lovely. Maybe a little ‘shallow’ as a PP said, but personally I always hated having to pick poems apart at school. Sometimes it nice to just appreciate something for what it is

Melitza · 21/06/2021 03:51

On another point.
Can someone really commission a piece of art, knowing full well your style, and then just reject it?
After, presumably, a great deal of work by you.

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