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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if it’s normal to ‘vet’ your children’s friends?

19 replies

Zhampagne · 20/06/2021 20:58

Little outdoor birthday party yesterday for the youngest child of a close family friend. I didn’t know all of the children and asked if any of them were friends from his Reception class. She replied no, because Covid restrictions have meant no play dates etc and therefore she hasn’t been able to vet the potential friends.

She is the kind of person who really nurtures close friendships and she has been a wonderful friend to me, but I hadn’t considered that the flip side of this might be actively vetting and discouraging her children from forming certain friendships.

Am I naïve? Is it normal to vet your (young) children’s friendships, encouraging play dates with ‘suitable’ children and declining them with others?

OP posts:

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 20/06/2021 21:00

Personally no not at all; never occurred to me to do that. Admittedly if a child was a bad influence on DD when she got older then maybe I’d think of discouraging it but at that age definitely not

MiddleParking · 20/06/2021 21:01

It’s definitely, definitely not normal to say it aloud to other people.

Daisy1245 · 20/06/2021 21:02

No not normal behaviour. Especially not that young. I have always vet the parents to some degree as in their behaviour around their children/ how nice they seem. But have got that wrong on a couple of occasions and regretted my child going to their house.

Crowtooyo · 20/06/2021 21:03

That's not normal at all!

However, I would be wanting to meet parents of children before allowing them to have play dates. Only because when growing up, I used to hang out and sleepover at a local friends all the time and it all came out years later that the dad is a paedophile. It was horrible. Luckily nothing happened to me but I feel for those that it did happen to..
I'm sure that's clouded my judgement but you can never be too careful.

Crowtooyo · 20/06/2021 21:05

Sorry to add, I would still allow playdates with the children..but I mean I'd be careful who my children went over.

MerryDecembermas · 20/06/2021 21:08

Well the two issues are separate. Birthday party, the polite thing to do is invite the whole class. Playdates, invite the specific people you want.

LesterKnopf · 20/06/2021 21:11

Certainly not for outdoor parties... If my DC was going round to their house without me then maybe, but only in terms of "does the child seem badly behaved and might hurt my DC if left unsupervised" or "does the Parent's behaviour at school drop off /pick up ring any alarm bells re safety"

Anything else is unfair /unkind nonsense

Original poster

Zhampagne · 20/06/2021 21:23

@MerryDecembermas

Well the two issues are separate. Birthday party, the polite thing to do is invite the whole class. Playdates, invite the specific people you want.

Whole-class birthday parties are very much not happening around here at the moment.

OP posts:

TentTalk · 20/06/2021 21:26

I'd say birthday parties are different to play dates. My son's "best friend" is not someone I'd allow him to have play dates with but would invite to a birthday party and go to a party I was staying at.

Ducksurprise · 20/06/2021 21:26

@MiddleParking

It’s definitely, definitely not normal to say it aloud to other people.

This

Original poster

Zhampagne · 20/06/2021 21:30

@MiddleParking

It’s definitely, definitely not normal to say it aloud to other people.

So is it one of those things that people do tacitly, perhaps even unconsciously?

OP posts:

MumofSpud · 20/06/2021 21:30

Yup - I vetted my DC's friends (play dates - not big birthday parties).
Got me nowhere as at secondary school I have no control !!

FakeFruitShoot · 20/06/2021 21:36

I "vet" as in frenemies and children with bad manners don't get invited back.

I wouldn't let my DC go to a house with an out of control dog or go in a car with a parent who drinks or doesn't use car seats. I didn't let them go to the houses of friends who were very obviously and repeatedly flouting covid guidance.

Surely that's normal?

Birthday parties, though... hmm, a bit different. Did she mean "vet" or size up, aquaint herself with, get phone numbers of? I have 4 kids close in age and can well imagine parents being scared to invite us to something like a garden birthday party in case I rocked up with all the kids. I wouldn't - but they wouldn't know that.

Recessed · 20/06/2021 21:46

As above - you don't say it out loud! Only to the child's other parent. I've only actively acted on it in one instance. The child was a bit of a terror but as they were very little I wouldn't have done much about it if not for the fact that the parents were ROUGH and really pushy and I knew they would bring hassle and nonsense to my life, so I actively discouraged the friendship and made excuses to my DD as to why they couldn't go to each other's houses etc. I'd do it again if I had to.

delilahbucket · 20/06/2021 21:55

I've never vetted any friends, but I will pick and choose who is welcome in my house and if a child is a little sod I won't be arranging get togethers. DS is 13 now and he has one friend that has been round twice and came to a birthday party last year. If he's just one on one he's fine, but more than that he plays up, shows off and causes arguments. DS will meet up with him but unless it's just him he isn't invited round. DS knows I don't like him, his foul language is a particular bug bear, but I won't stop DS from being his friend because it is up to DS to make that decision.

RaindropsOnRosie · 20/06/2021 22:13

As long as my child is safe and happy, no I wouldn't vet their friends or control who they play with. If something happens with any child I'd hope mine could resolve the issue (with help obviously) and either stay friends or choose other friends. Only Katie Hopkins would unfairly vet children!

Smokeymirror · 20/06/2021 22:15

No! When both mine were little they made friends with whoever at primary and we were happy to have the child to the house!

fallfallfall · 20/06/2021 22:20

all those examples up above of manners, speech, behavior, parenting all all examples of vetting.
yes it's done and occasionally openly admitted (dd won't play with so and so because her mother is a drinker), or not letting them go to someone's home because it's in an unsafe neighborhood etc.
kinda basic safeguarding imho.

Skysblue · 20/06/2021 22:31

I think it’s normal to do some kinda ‘vetting’ at primary school. What I mean is my child can hang out with who he likes at school, but there are three houses I won’t let him have a playdate at because I don’t trust the parents to take proper care of him (esp inappropriate internet use / scary dogs etc). Plus two of the kids swear/lie/steal and I don’t want my son to think I condone that. I also keep an eye out for children I think my son will get on with well and invite them over. Dunno if that’s ‘vetting’ I think it’s trying to find him nice friends and steer him away from children who’ll cause drama.

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