Adult disabled child - would you help?

[Supersimkin2]

MNetters, please be the jury. I am a regular posting on behalf of an old friend - we both really want to know if this scenario is normal.

The lady is single, early 50s, and after a high-flying career in journalism, developed bipolar disorder in her 40s. Since then she's been unable to work and on benefits. She supports her elderly parents and a couple of other oldsters in the family. Volunteers for a charity.

She's currently based in Edinburgh, where rents are sky high, with no hope of permanence as her landlord is redeveloping her shabby-but-gorgeous Georgian flat. Savings long gone. She needs a roof over her head.

She's been offered a bedsit in Wales by a history charity (she wrote for history mags).

But here's the rub... her family don't want her to move. They are, by any standards, very well off. Parents house must be worth 3m, they spend 3k a week on dementia care for her mother. Uncle spends another 3k a week on private healthcare for alcoholic aunt.

The elders did well from inheritance, but didn't pass anything down. They refused to help with a flat deposit way back when so she was stuck renting.

The elders dont want her to move, and are pressuring her with dire warnings of what might happen to them if she stops the daily care. But they don't want to help her with a home,

Please vote.

YABU = suck it up, no one has a duty of care to a disabled adult child

YANBU = Family cuts both ways. With this lot, she'd be a lot better off moving as far away as possible.

What;s Margaret Blackwood? Is it Scottish?

Yes! Shes applied for their Edinex scheme, apparently.

Margaret Blackwood is housing association with additional support services which may be helpful for her for anything she also needs. They've several property locations in Edinburgh.

Legally there's no duty of care.. but that cuts both ways.

If they want her continued care and help, then they'll have to provide her somewhere to live (and I would advise her VERY strongly AGAINST moving in with them!).

If she can't afford to stay and they won't help with that then I don't see how there is any choice but to move away.

Move away, leave them to get on with it. They have the finances to fund their own care.

This is not a family but a bunch of manipulative,ruthless greedy users.

Who do hell would let their relative go to the food bank while being very well off.

Tell your friend to move and build her life without the time scroungers of a “family”

"Who do hell would let their relative go to the food bank while being very well off."

But that's why they're so well off. Have you never heard of the saying 'the poor help the poor but the rich keep their money in their purse'?

She can't afford to stay and care for them and she needs to tell them that.

Thanks for all your input. I’ve said Don’t Move In With Your Parents too. They could sell it for care or leave it to someone else and she’d be on the pavement.

And you can’t get Housing Benefit to pay your family either.

I wonder how her family sees things? Do they see themselves as supporting her while also offering her the chance to have something to do by helping them even though they already have most of the help they need?
May be more to this than you know.

She should move away unless her family help her. What kind of family are happy to see their daughter having to use foodbanks whilst she provides care for them free of charge whilst on the other hand they pay for private doctors and live in a multi million pound home? Not normal and not kind. I provide a small amount of care for my MIL who had always been poor and receives benefits, she ALWAYS covers my expenses and I know 100% she would never ever watch me struggle.

Sorry just re-read the OP. Does her family realise how poor she is?

Doesn’t sound like her family show her much care or concern. Perhaps there is more to the situation than meets the eye, but in her position I’d probably jump at the chance of distancing myself. Will she have any support if she does move?

Would moving to somewhere where she knows nobody be possible with having no-one to turn to?
Also the charities are suffering due to covid,is the home long term?
She needs to see if there is likely to be the offer of a home in scotland,is there any chance of getting accommodated on the parents estate?
I feel the move to Wales would be the wrong move for her .

Well, Scotland hasn't produced anything to offer on the housing front and her flat is being redeveloped, so she hasn't got much choice.

How would you tackle telling the parents?

She should go.

There's £6k per week being spent on care within the family, why is she needed as well? The whole thing is mystifying.

She needs to prioritize herself. If that means moving, she should move.

Even if the parents or great aunt have spare £150k cash in the bank they can’t just give it to her for a flat. Unless they are seriously rich, or else when their money runs out it will count as getting rid of assets for care. Though surely between them they could give her say £3k to help give a landlord a deposits and rent upfront and incentive take on a benefit claimant.

has she seen this bedsit & is the area nice with good transport links?
Blow the family - she can always do help by phone & internet at distance for most of these things. & maybe get a life for herself

each of the parents & aunt could give her £3000 plus if they haven't done it in the last before £3000 more tax wise re inheritance tax
BUT how rich is rich -property rich, money set aside long term

She should just tell them she can't afford to live where she is any more and so has no choice but to move. It comes down to what she wants to do though.

Depends how old they are and medical outlook. £3k week is over 1.5 MILLION IN 10years. If they have 2years to live and million pounds no problems. If the house is worth million and have £200k in the bank but could live for 20years then going be in trouble.

You're all so helpful, thanks. Right - so how does she tackle telling her DP she's off?

Maybe she should start by making the conversations just about her move.
Let them bring up the fact they’re losing their unpaid administrator then she can be practical and come up with a list of the things she does for them that will need to be done by someone else when she’s gone and offer to help to recruit a (paid) replacement. And/or as these tasks come up, offer to show them what to do.
If they keep saying they need her to stay she can just repeat again and again that she is really sorry but she needs somewhere to live and her only option is to move hundreds of miles away.
Is there a sensible relative she can speak to and explain the predicament?