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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL + BIL Covid excuses.

43 replies

Charmtaste · 20/06/2021 19:46

BIL & SIL have not see our kids (their nephews) since December 2019. We invited them for a garden Birthday tea in July, in the back garden, for our twins 2nd birthday. They said no because of Covid. They said they were not leaving the house this summer.
There would only be 7 people there including the kids but they said it was too risky. They are both vaccinated and have no underlying health issues.

We accepted their response with good grace. Today we found out that they went to the opera this week and are going on holiday next week.

YABU: their excuses are valid.
YANBU: they just don’t want to see you or your family and are making silly excuses.

OP posts:
AffableApple · 20/06/2021 20:17

I've been on holiday three times. Self-catered, and a hotel I trusted to do social-distancing properly. I have travelled into work throughout lockdown. There are no young children left in my family, but I've not seen any children in my friendship group because I know the kids won't socially distance. I'm their auntie, they'll all want hugs. I'll want to hug them. I can't afford to get ill, and I don't want to be responsible for spreading anything as I'm very aware of being a commuter. Keep the lines of communication open. This too shall pass Smile

greenlynx · 20/06/2021 20:18

Imo birthday tea in the garden would differ from say visit to our local theatre a lot. The theatre puts people in bubbles so you keep some distance from others all the time. You can choose not to buy food. Family gathering is very different: it’s more difficult to distance, food is shared, one bathroom to use, etc. It’s not a problem for many people but might be a problem for your BIL and SIL. Plus you’ve got a child of school age, they might consider that it increases risk. Plus they don’t have children - it could be an issue as well. I didn’t like visiting friends with DC when I was struggling to conceive.

Trevsadick · 20/06/2021 20:19

I genuinely, think its more likely they see your kids as more of a covid risk than the activities they are doing.

greenlynx · 20/06/2021 20:21

Just saw your update. So it’s not about kids, maybe she doesn’t want to see FIL if he’s invited as well.

Thisusedtobeaniceneighbourhood · 20/06/2021 20:22

Or maybe she realised too late that she wanted them 🤷‍♀️ We have a friend a bit like this. We don’t really see him since we had children. Very occasionally he will pop by for a drink if he knows they are guaranteed to be in bed. He’s perpetually single, having never met the right person, and despite many invitations to join us for dinner, he never does. I think he just finds the family bustle too much of a reminder of what he doesn’t have.

LawnFever · 20/06/2021 20:23

[quote Charmtaste]@Thisusedtobeaniceneighbourhood SIL is past childbearing years. I had kids very late and she is 14 years older than me. She never wanted kids because of her high flying career,[/quote]
If they’ve made a conscious decision not to have kids maybe they’re just not interested in activities that are centred on children?

Going to the opera or on holiday are adult activities, you can’t put a toddlers birthday in the same category.

BlueSurfer · 20/06/2021 20:24

It really depends what the holiday is because same country, or somewhere you can drive, and a self catering cottage really isn’t a risk. I’d imagine the opera were fastidious about seating arrangements as well. Whereas little children in a garden who aren’t vaccinated and don’t understand social distancing, and possibly you and your DH not being full vaccinated either is more of a risk.

Sounds like you don’t have anything to lose by nicely asking them if there is an issue. Some people find other people’s children relentless and don’t enjoy being around them. It shouldn’t be something to take offence over if you otherwise have a good relationship.

PurpleDaisies · 20/06/2021 20:25

I don’t know your SIL (obviously) but “I never wanted children” is much easier to say than “I desperately wish I’d had them but it never happened for me”. You can never know for sure what someone’s situation is.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/06/2021 20:26

They probably don't want to deal with your kids. Whatever the case, they've made their stance quite apparent. I would no longer be bothering with them, at all.

LawnFever · 20/06/2021 20:27

@PurpleDaisies

I don’t know your SIL (obviously) but “I never wanted children” is much easier to say than “I desperately wish I’d had them but it never happened for me”. You can never know for sure what someone’s situation is.
So very true
PurpleDaisies · 20/06/2021 20:27

Today we found out that they went to the opera this week and are going on holiday next week.
Who told you this?

Dishwashersaurous · 20/06/2021 20:31

Objectively a two year old birthday party is not much fun. And twins well hats off to you.

Maybe suggest an adult only meet up, either dinner at yours or out somewhere and see if they want to meet up.

TakeMe2Insanity · 20/06/2021 20:33

I think this is more about accepting that they aren’t the uncle/aunty you want them to be to your children. It’s painful when people aren’t interested but I think it’s easier once you understand they aren’t interested.

Send them a text ask how the opera was, tell them what you’ve been doing but don’t take their excuses to heart.

AlternativePerspective · 20/06/2021 20:34

Sorry but why is it always assumed that people who say they don’t want children are just covering up their sadness at not being able to have any. Seriously lots of people don’t actually want children and are quite happy with that decision. And the upshot is often that other people’s children just don’t do it for them.

Hell I have a child and other people’s children don’t do it for me either.

The reality here is that the BIL and SIL don’t actually have any kind of relationship with these children. So it stands to reason that they’re probably not going to be all that interested in attending a birthday party for toddlers who they don’t know or have a relationship with.

PurpleDaisies · 20/06/2021 20:36

Sorry but why is it always assumed that people who say they don’t want children are just covering up their sadness at not being able to have any.

Because sometimes they are. No one has said it’s everyone who feels like that.

PurpleMustang · 20/06/2021 20:45

Maybe, as you say they haven't had kids, they just doesn't want to spend time around them. It can be hard going to have a decent conversation with constant kids interrupting. It annoys me when others do and when mine did too. Maybe ask to do something kid free and if that gets shut down then just the brothers together. You'll soon know where you stand then.

MargosKaftan · 20/06/2021 20:47

This must be hard for your DH to realise they are avoiding him /his family, not covid.

Leave him to process that a bit - not having the relationship with your sibling you thought you had is a hard thing to face.

They arent interested in you/your dcs. Dont make effort now. Wait for them to contact you. Polite but don't raise it. They know they lied to you about not wanting to risk covid when the reality is that they arent all that worried. They might not realise you know, so wait to see if they decide they want to see you - not that they have been invited again and have run out of excuses.

Chickychickydodah · 20/06/2021 21:02

I’d ignore them for a while as they’re not interested in your family , leave it to them to get in touch.

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