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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD Nc family member wanting to see my DC

50 replies

bookworm2021 · 20/06/2021 19:37

I'm really not sure what to do for best and would appreciate MNs opinions to help me make up my mind.

My DC have a auntie whom we've been no contact with for two years out of her own choice because I wouldn't give her money.
This auntie when we was in contact made our life's hell on Earth, she regularly stopped her kids from seeing my DC with no reason, she stole money off my DC and never gave it back to them (we are talking £100s not pocket money.), when one of my DC was younger she smacked him for no reason and refused to believe he had disabilities.
She's dropped contact with my DC more than 4 times in the years they've been alive and just expects to pick off where she left off when she appears. Her going no contact last time really upset one of my DCs and impacted him for weeks as he didn't understand.
There is so much more to the story but I don't want to out myself.
She's appeared again and wants to see DC. I've said no as it's not fair if she does it again but everyone else around me is saying to give her a last chance when I know history will repeat itself like it has multiple times now. I refuse to see her myself and my DC aren't old enough to understand and make the decision themselves.

WWYD mumsnets? Help a mother out please.

OP posts:

MadMadMadamMim · 20/06/2021 20:57

No. And tell the other people around you to fuck off. Not their lives, not their choice. They can see her if they like but you are protecting your children from someone who had repeated chances to behave like a decent human being and failed.

She's run out of chances.

HotPenguin · 20/06/2021 21:01

No way! This isn't just a falling out between the two of you, she has done completely unacceptable things to your DC. You are teaching them about healthy boundaries by keeping them away from this relative.

FlowerTink · 20/06/2021 21:15

Definitely not, and I say this as someone who is NC with certain relatives, my DC have never see them and I know it would only impact them negatively if they did.

underneaththeash · 20/06/2021 21:18

I’d say that she needed to return the money first. Then don’t let her see the kids anyway!

Travis1 · 20/06/2021 21:19

Hard no and I’d be telling others to keep their opinions to themselves

EKGEMS · 20/06/2021 21:19

Reading your description of her reminds me of a line from a tv show-"She should be kept in a cage and fed with a stick"

AuntieStella · 20/06/2021 21:22

No, I think too much has happened. If she wants to get to know your DC, she can make a start whenever she bumps in to them at wider family gatherings.

(Though I was wondering if she eats invited to many)

BirthdayCakeBelly · 20/06/2021 21:25

No chance.

MrsRagnarLothbrok · 20/06/2021 21:33

your childrens well being comes before her wishes, it would be a big fat no from me

Pheasantplucker2 · 20/06/2021 21:46

If your children are still very young, how did she manage to steal money from them?

She sounds very toxic, I would keep no contact. So the relatives wanting you to resume contact know what she’s done?

shdodnbek · 21/06/2021 08:22

God no. It sounds like she has nothing to bring to a relationship with your child. Best keep her away.

Kanaloa · 21/06/2021 08:57

It’s worrying that you need to ask. She hit your child and stole large amounts of money from them. Would you accept and allow others to do that? If you resume contact with her it’s tantamount to telling your children that it’s acceptable to be treated that way.

Zari29 · 21/06/2021 09:02

Stick to your guns here. You are being a good mother. Typical of a toxic family when adults pressure children to bow to toxic members.

orangejuicer · 21/06/2021 09:05

Definitely not.

Muchmorethan · 21/06/2021 09:05

It sounds like that she has had many "last chances" and always converted to form.

So on that basis, and the emotional and physical damage she has already caused your children - it would be a no from me.

DysmalRadius · 21/06/2021 09:06

No - one adult's whims and temper shouldn't be given higher priority than the mental health of your children (not to mention your own mental state). Tell anyone with an opinion that they are welcome to make those decisions on behalf of themselves and their family and you expect them to afford you the same courtesy. (Or fuck off - whichever seems most appropriate!).

ViewFromTheSteeple · 21/06/2021 09:10

No way, and tell her flying monkeys to shut up.

Nitpickpicnic · 21/06/2021 09:29

I tried everything to convince ‘family’ that my estrangement from my sister was justified, necessary and permanent. They did everything to get a rise out of me, get me to see her, let my kids see her.

Nowadays when they start up I smile, I say my set piece then refuse to engage, cutting short the conversation or visit if needs be. I say ‘There’s no feud between us. I’ve completely forgiven her everything. Did it instantly. But she hasn’t changed, won’t deal with what she’s done or even try to make up for it. She’s entitled to stick to those decisions. And I’m free to choose not to have her in our lives. It’s my responsibility to provide good role models for my kids, she’s crossed herself off that list. End of discussion.’

Truth is, my door actually is always open to her- if she turned up with the slightest skerrick of self-growth, embarrassment, apology or honest desire to reconnect on mature terms, then I would hear her out.

But all I get is ‘flying monkeys’, drama and periodic dramatic gestures. All confirming I am right to steer my lil tugboats clear of her. I don’t wish her ill, I just wish her elsewhere. Stand firm, OP, if they don’t change it just ends up as Groundhog Day. Less pain all around if you keep her at arms length.

lorca · 21/06/2021 09:43

Oh come on OP - your aunt wants something from your dc. Whether that's just company for her dc, or money, or satisfaction from bullying them.

Why should HER wants come before your dc's? Your children come first.

Your other flying monkeys can go t hell before you offer up your dc for her 'final chance' - she's had chances to be a decent human from the start, why should she have 'more chances' in other people's eyes?

Fuckitfuckit · 21/06/2021 10:01

She doesn't sound too far from my dysfunctional family, who wanted contact with DD after stopping contact because they thought it would hurt me.

Not in a fucking million years. Infact, I did double check with mumsnet myself at the time....answer was definitely the right thing to keep them away.

Incase you have any doubt,

Think about her presence in your children's lives,
Was she dependable? Was she loving? Was she supportive? Was she someone you could trust to look out for the children's best interests?
Was she someone who would be a good role model?
What do they gain out of a relationship with her?
Do they lose much out of a lack of her presence?
Will she cause emotional or physical harm to them?

These are all questions I asked myself, every answer made me more certain of drama and emotional distress to our family that we didn't need.

It's all well and good for people to say give her another chance, but they won't be the ones trying to explain to a child why someone has gone, and deal with the emotional fall out. I went through this with DD, the poor kid spent quite a few evenings crying that she missed them...they'll never do it to her again

LadyDanburysHat · 21/06/2021 10:03

She has had plenty of chances before, and you have no reason to believe she has changed. Keep well away and protect yourself and your DC>

Sportysporty · 21/06/2021 10:05

I'd say yes - as long as she can show your her certificate of Personality Transplant.

ScottishNewbie · 21/06/2021 10:05

It's a no from me also.
I wouldn't let them within 10 feet if I were you

IDontReadEyebrows · 21/06/2021 10:05

She’s stolen from your kids and thumped one of them. Where’s the dilemma?

LookItsMeAgain · 21/06/2021 10:20

This aunt is NC for a reason.
It would be a no, I'm not resuming contact with this person for any reason whatsoever.
If the family members suggesting that you resume contact know of all of the things this aunt has done, they shouldn't be pressuring you. If they don't know, they still should respect your decision to cut her out of your lives. They aren't respecting that decision by pressuring you.
That's my take on the situation.

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