Under which circumstances can you take a step back from a friend / friends ?

[anewpost]

Inspired from another current thread..

When is it acceptable to tell a friend or friends that you need to have a time out, for yourself and just need a break from the friend / friends because you're struggling with something in your life that is making you look at your life and only concentrate on things that are right for YOU and for whatever reason- your friend or friends are not at that time.

Under what kind of circumstances would someone do this / is it acceptable to do this ?

Would a good friend always be there to have the friend back in their life, if such friend ever decides that they want to be back in touch ? Even if it takes years ?

You can pull away from any relationship whenever you wish, but you have to be prepared for the possible consequences. As to whether it's acceptable or not is subjective.

As for being a "good friend", that doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. This good friend has needs and feelings, too.

Whenever you want/under any circumstances?

The issue with the other thread is that the OP is only getting back in touch with the friend to request a reference, which makes it seem like that OP was picking up that friend when it suits them vs genuinely wanting to rekindle the friendship. That OP ignored their friend when they reached out, which makes their situation different IMO.

However I don’t think the general rhetoric of that thread is that you’re not allowed to take a break from a friendship - you absolutely can. But if you leave it years to get back in touch, you should naturally expect the friendship to grow apart and things to be different.

I would always want a friend to come and go as they need to. What hurts and can be irrecoverable is ghosting someone. And to me that means years not a few months…I’m always relaxed about a friend not replying if they’re busy, that’s life!

It's tough isn't it. It's like, why can't the 'ghosted' friend just be there waiting with open arms. But it hurt the friend who was left. Especially if it's been years.

My best friend died a few years ago and I really struggled maintaining any friendships for a while. I was open from the start and said I need to take a step back because I'm not in the right mind set to be a good friend right now. Around a decade ago a friends mum was terminally ill. She went radio silent for a while, dealing with everything. I sent a few messages to say I'm here when you need me, and when she came back I was there for her. Sometimes life makes it hard to maintain friendships sometimes. But the beauty of true friends is they're there for you at the end of it.

I've posted on the other thread (about the reference and 'ghosted' friend)
I'm in a predicament with a friend who is in the habit of making racist comments, I try to set them straight but I've cut my contact to bare minimum. (Made easier in the pandemic of course)
I want to end our friendship, but we see each other about twice or so per year so hardly "best friends"
Sorry to jump on your thread OP, my problem is not the same as yours and I'm not even sure if I should post this!

@TDogsInHats

I've posted on the other thread (about the reference and 'ghosted' friend) I'm in a predicament with a friend who is in the habit of making racist comments, I try to set them straight but I've cut my contact to bare minimum. (Made easier in the pandemic of course) I want to end our friendship, but we see each other about twice or so per year so hardly "best friends" Sorry to jump on your thread OP, my problem is not the same as yours and I'm not even sure if I should post this!

That's OK. Open for all.

Why don't you just tell your friend honesty how you feel ?

I honestly feel like a coward and that it'd be easier just to let things drift.
I abhor racism and when she starts a sentence with "I'm not being racist but.." I know something racist will be uttered by her
Even writing this makes me feel pathetic!

@milkytwilight

My best friend died a few years ago and I really struggled maintaining any friendships for a while. I was open from the start and said I need to take a step back because I'm not in the right mind set to be a good friend right now. Around a decade ago a friends mum was terminally ill. She went radio silent for a while, dealing with everything. I sent a few messages to say I'm here when you need me, and when she came back I was there for her. Sometimes life makes it hard to maintain friendships sometimes. But the beauty of true friends is they're there for you at the end of it.

Thank you for sharing that. I'm sorry for your loss.

Mine is similar. Mum very very ill. I tried to be there. But friend needed a step back. It happened before with this friend, when her mum first got ill. She stopped talking to me. She then apologised for not being a good friend. It was not a problem for me and I welcomed her back with open arms.

This time mum has got worse. She did the same thing again. Doesn't have the bandwidth to be my friend. But sees other friends we have in common. It's hard for me. I will be there with open arms though. If she ever decides. It kills me though. I miss her. It's been two years and I think about her every day. I want to help and I have tried to get in touch very gently again, but she always keeps it brief. It does hurt. So I don't try anymore.

@TDogsInHats

I honestly feel like a coward and that it'd be easier just to let things drift. I abhor racism and when she starts a sentence with "I'm not being racist but.." I know something racist will be uttered by her Even writing this makes me feel pathetic!

I think it would be good for your friend to know. But I understand how you feel. It's tough !

You might help your friend realise their racism!

I did the ghosting, have never looked back. Much happier now. You've gotta do what's right for you. Life's too short.

As someone who has been ghosted I think rejection is protection. People show you who they really are when the going gets tough. Some people just can't empathise if they haven't had that life experience.

If its been two years and shes seemingly picked up with other friendships I would take a step back

@milkytwilight yeah as I said, I don't try anymore. But somehow I feel bad about that I'm not big enough to just take it. Why can't she come in and out of my life when it suits her.

I'll be seeing her soon. Like I said, friends in common. I'm always nice to her and afterwards sometimes we text a bit. But she always keeps it short and 'has to go'. It hurts every time really. Next time I won't text.

I broke up with a friend recently. I didn't ghost I told her the exact truth. Basically finally caught her in the act of malicious behaviour dressed up as concern behind my back - had suspected it for a long time.

The thing was she had not been a good friend or in fact a good person for a long time and on reflection I had let far too much slide in the name of longevity. The crushing part of it was realising that the friendship might have died on its own many years previously had I been a bit less generous with myself

Don’t do it to yourself @anewpost. You clearly want a relationship with this person and unfortunately she doesn’t. IMO her not having the balls to tell you why she has the issue with you speaks volumes of her integrity.