Feeling guilty for snapping at my Mum

[shuz1980]

My Mum is very needy. Always phoning me and wanting long conversations at least once a day. On the days im at work she phones me one minute after my shift finishes. I literally don't even make it to the staff room to get my bag and I already have at least one missed call from her. If i don't answer she leaves voice messages saying 'phone me im worried' when i call back its just pointless conversations. This is where im feeling guilty. I told my Mum yesterday that im going to the cinema today with dc and dp for father's day and i will phone her after 3 when i get home. During the film she rang 3 times and sent a-text message saying 'call me'. Ive just called her and it was another pointless conversation. This is not the first time she has called when i said im busy and gave her a time to phone after. I just snapped and said i told you i was busy today. Why did you call 3 times. She said 'I forgot' i said no, when i say call at this time respect it. Your being rude and disrespectful by not listening and respecting that im busy. I can't keep dropping things or putting things on hold to talk to you. Your not my child your my mum stop relying on me so much because your burning me out. Now i feel guilty because i pretty much just told my Mum ive had enough of her. Aibu to have snapped?

Not in the slightest.

You were spot on with what you said. It is disrespectful to demand your time and attention when she wants it. It is the kind of thing we train toddlers not to do. We shouldn't need to do it to adults.

She would do my head in and I'd have been a lot ruder.

Give yourself a break. This would drive me mad and it can't be good for her, either. How old is she and does she have MH issues?

Let her mull it over. Don't call her. She'll call you soon and then if you wish to apologise for the way you put your message across, do so, but make sure she knows the content of your messages stands. And then don't answer her calls so often. If she texts telling you to call her you can text back to say you'll call this evening, tomorrow, whatever suits.

You weren't unreasonable at all, I think you were very restrained. I'd block her number until a certain window when you are free to talk to her, e.g. unblock at 6 and then block again at 7, every other day or something. She sounds exhausting.

Yanbu, I think there are many adult women who rely on their dd for company and Support and it can become a routine very quickly and draining.

You are absolutely right. You’ve tried sensible reasonable boundaries and she’s trampling all over them which, as you say, is very disrespectful.

Don’t apologise and be prepared to hold the line because it’ll need saying more than once.

It's about damn time you spoke up for yourself. Your mother's behaviour is outrageous and needs to stop. She is suffocating the life out of you, and there is no way you can keep living this way.

Unfortunately, it's very unlikely that anything will change without this sort of snapping. And even then, it's iffy.

My mother would leave increasingly hysterical messages if I didn't answer. Then would start calling my siblings. It only slowed down when I lost it completely after she had them all ringing me because I was so awful and didn't respond when her dog died - she basically got them all thinking I was a heartless bitch. Except it was middle of a work day and I had been in a meeting and didn't even have my personal phone me.

No useful advice OP, but I'm placemarking as my mum is the same!

Absolutely not unreasonable! Just can’t believe it’s taken you so long!! She sounds dreadfully controlling.

You have only been unreasonable in that you let it go until you lost it. Should have put your foot down when it first started to intrude.

YANBU

My mum was the same and in the end I exploded - newborn baby and a five year old who needed my attention and then my mum constantly ringing expecting half hour chats whenever it suited her. She wasn’t interested in phoning me at a set time and she wasn’t interested in answering the phone to me - she’d then phone back the next day knowing it was going to be an awkward time.
My mum is a very controlling person (always telling me what to do) and I believe the phone calls were just another way for her control me and what I and my children were doing. I’m now NC with her and life is much less stressful and suffocating.

"Now i feel guilty because i pretty much just told my Mum ive had enough of her."

No-you told her that you are sick of her behaviour!

She is not more important than your time with your family.

You told her that you were busy-did she think that was a lie or did she just not care?

Also agree YNBU!

Hope very much that your comments have made her stop and think…….
If she continues, you need to maybe not answer her call when you finish work and instead send the same text each time saying that you are fine but tired after work and not up to chatting. Tell her a time you will call that works for both of you.
Not healthy dynamics for her to hassle you in this way.

Yanbu. What's happened here is your boundaries have been disrespected one too many times and it's got to you.
That's so very understandable and I don't think you've done anything wrong. What I would maybe do is ring her later and have a chat and apologise for snapping (if you want to) and then just explain that you're finding it tough and you need your boundaries to be respected. Calling every day sounds exhausting.

YANBU at all op.

You're absolutely entitled to some boundaries. Hour long chats every single day is insane.

Does she have a partner/job/friends?

Like another pp said, I suspect there is a control element to this behaviour. My mother has mental health issues and can be a little like this. One day I’d been busy & out and about and had a difficult day. She called and was very rude under the guise of having worried that we were all dead. I calmly said that she was welcome to call back when she called be nice and put the phone down. Worked a treat: she called back 10-15 mins later and didn’t reference it again!