To suggest dad and stepmum move back closer?

[fancyaflatwhite]

Long story short – my dad and his wife decided to move a couple of hours (c. 100 miles) from where I and his other close family are based - for them have a better quality of life/ie. big house/schooling choice for her kids. This was soon after I had my first child (I now have 2).

My stepmum has always been harsh on my dad - bordering on emotionally abusive with him imo, for various resentments that are harboured.

Now my Dad's health is failing - various health conditions, one is degenerative. I'm concerned about how he's being cared for. On a recent visit I found him dehydrated, tearful and saying he felt 'on the way out'. After some cold drinks and gentle care, he seemed to improve quite a lot.

Physical care aside, it it's the emotional care that concerns me most. ie. he was being told off for not drinking enough, rather than being given a drink and given the support to drink it. She's good at handling the practical side of things, I guess. But public character assassinations on my dad are frequent - the environment/relationship can be toxic tbh. There's much more i could say, but I won't!

I want to be able to help more and also just to see my dad more and spend quality time with him and my kids together - but I find the environment there quite disturbing and don't want my kids exposed to that sort of toxic interaction.

Recently, she asked quite directly for help with my dad. But the logistics make this tricky. I have children and work - and as much as I'd like to be able to pop in on him more, it's not always possible with a 4-hour round trip. I've thought about having him to stay at mine for extended stays - this is possible but tricky as we're in a small house, and he needs close toilet access in the night.

I go as often as I can to see him at weekends, but would really like to be able to do more, especially as time goes by and his condition progresses.

Has anyone had similar challenges - and how did you work them out? Should i suggest they move back closer to me and his siblings, so we can all be there more easily for him?

I think this is a really difficult situation for everyone involved, clearly his wife is struggling - it's not clear if she's being toxic because of this or generally. He's also an adult with full mental capacity (it's physically degenerative rather than mental right?) so should be able to make his own decisions about his health and relationship including the care he receives and where he lives.

I can see why his wife wouldn't want to move if they have a better quality of life there and her children are in good schools over there. Was the decision to move made before his diagnosis?

I think you need to look at what other care options are available that would make it possible for him to stay where he's most comfortable but also look long term. What is his health going to look like in a year or 5 years? How long do her kids have left in school as I think that's likely going to be the most limiting factor to her considering moving back (are they your half siblings or unrelated except by marriage?). Also make it clear he's always welcome in your house either temporary or permanently and you'll make it work somehow.

@Northofsomewhere

Yes you're right, she is struggling and completely burnt out. And all my issues with her aside, I do feel for her.

unfortunately their relationship has been toxic for some time, pretty much from the start (due to her feelings of inadequacy and poor relationship history, I think. I'm not saying he's perfect, but he's not unkind).

They moved there pre-diagnosis. The condition is affecting his mental functions and he is not very capable of making good decisions for himself - she definitely does most of the decision making.

I like your idea of letting him know he's always welcome at mine - thanks

Maybe carers need to be arranged to come help your DF in the day, get him up/dressed/bathroom and breakfast, then the same in the evening. This is what a friend of mine did for her MIL, my observing this after a sad situation we ha with my MIL, it works well for the spouse caring for the other and the person needing care. Pressure is relieved.

You could offer respite care if you can get a commode chair for the room your dad stays in when he visits you. These can often be borrowed from Red Cross (other aids too).

I say this because our own past situation makes me feel very sad though being a DIL and not a daughter was difficult to manage. My MIL had a degenerative disease for many years. We saw how my FIL attitude towards her some days was not “very nice” as we think his increasing role being carer to her as her illness progressed was becoming too much for him. One thing we noticed was his ordering food she could not eat (we met them for lunch someplace half way between our homes). After discussions with my DH following one lunch, we offered if I could go once or twice a week to help with MIL. Sadly this didn’t happen as FIL asked that I come Saturdays rather than a week day, as we offered, because we had weekend commitments with our 3 DC (one in competitive sport with local, county and national level teams). sadly she died (choking on her food from another poor food choice) before we could work out something for both childcare of younger DC and transport for the DC in the competitive sport.

@LongTimeMammaBear

I'm sorry to hear of your very sad story with your MIL.

Thanks for taking time to reply, and your suggestion of offering respite care. It's a little tricky at the moment as he's not at quite that stage of care needs yet, can dress/eat/walk unaided etc, but I still want to be able to be there more often for them.