Father's Day

[Dazedandconfused28]

I'm just here to have a rant.

Throughout our relationship I've always made huge efforts over birthdays, anniversaries etc - I took my husband away for a milestone birthday to a chateau in France that took me 2 years to save for and I've always spent a lot of time planning. It's a running joke he is a bit rubbish with these things - but I've come to accept that.

Now we have a toddler with additional needs & life is busy and hard to be honest. I shoulder the entire mental load - organise his appointments, and get support in place. I probably do 70% of the housework while my husband drives (approx twice a week) I can't drive since I had a seizure a year ago. We both work full time. I get up with toddler every morning & do his breakfast & packed lunch, as my husband isn't a morning person. We share evenings. His Mum is visiting this week & Ive spent hours planning nice things for them to do as he won't bother.

Today I have given my husband a lie in and brought him a coffee in bed. I've taken the toddler out in the rain so he can have some peace, and booked us out for a roast. I haven't had the chance to buy a card & I'm sorry about that. My husband has just moaned at me asking why I don't make any effort any more. I lost it, I told him I make effort every day which goes unappreciated. I also feel like telling him I don't bother because I'm giving up on everything including him. I feel so upset & just want to cancel lunch.

Wow what an ungrateful twat he is. And your response is correct, you’re making effort all the time and he isn’t recognising that. A lie in, coffee in bed and a lunch out sounds like a perfect Father’s Day (or Mother’s Day or birthday even). I wouldn’t cancel lunch but I can see why you want to. Maybe when you’re calm later have an honest conversation with him.

Bloody hell he sounds like a monumental entitled twat OP.

He doesn’t sound like much of a husband

You’re doing way too much. If his mum visits then he should sort out anything he wants to do with her, not your job. Cut back a lot on all the extra stuff you do for him.

He sounds like an absolute shit head!

I’m not a morning person either -‘does that mean I get a free pass too?

I know I should cut back - but when I do it results in this. I end up feeling sad for his Mum, as she is single, so has few people to make an effort for her, and will spend a huge amount to travel to us.

We're still going for lunch, so I'll have to slap a smile on and make it nice for him.

Why do you have to make it nice for him when he’s acting like a knob?

Go to lunch with MIL and your child, leave him at home! What a miserable asshole

Completely agree he's being an arse but I do wonder if the other way around, if people would say he could have at least got a Moonpig card or something. Sorry I'm obvs playing devils advocate and hope that's not too offensive, just trying to see both sides

He’s horrible. I presume lunch is over so hope it was okay if you all went.

You need to stop letting your guilt and obligation take over. If he doesn’t make an effort for his mum that’s on him and she can tell him to buck his game up, organise things herself or stop coming as often.

Stop making an effort for events for him. You say this is what happens but really what happens is you make a massive effort and he shits all over you anyway. So why bother? You don’t get any thanks or appreciation anyway so save yourself the cost and hassle.

It's a running joke he is a bit rubbish with these things - but I've come to accept that.

As to this ^ it’s not funny so it’s not a joke. What’s amusing about knowing your husband doesn’t care enough to make any effort for you, his wife? While having overly high expectations for himself and showing no appreciation?

It’s not funny. It’s really sad.

The more you do for this ungrateful ass, the more he expects. So you need to step back. Not many of us are morning people. However, he's a parent now, so lie ins are a thing of the past. His mothers visit is up to him to prepare for and it's up to him to find things to do to entertain her. If he doesn't bother then let them sit at the kitchen table staring at each other. Not your problem. You need to have a chat with him about shared responsibility for your child from now on. He needs to take on some of the appointments etc. And as you both work full time you should be sharing the housework evenly too.

Thank you to those who responded. Lunch was fine - £100 Id have rather spent on someone who appreciated it, but there you go.

It's made me look at the bigger picture, and whilst part of the reason I've put less effort in is due to the pressure I'm under - I think it also has to do with the fact that I simply care less, like my love for him is being eroded & I'm not sure how to get it back.

@Dazedandconfused28

My gosh, it feels like I'm reading about my own life! I have to say I stumbled across your profile in another thread that is also relevant to me (awaiting a paediatric appt for 2.5 yo son) and I was curious about the outcome and then saw this thread. And it turns out we seem to be leading the exact same life!

I don't know how to get that affection back either. Being taken for granted - seeing how much they do (or don't) value the effort you put in, just makes you feel like a bit of a sap. Killing yourself for someone who neither recognises nor particularly cares enough to pay attention long enough to see it. And it's hard to love someone who clearly looks at you like you're a sap.

Me and my partner moved house about a year after our son was born and he was wondering aloud the other day, sarcastically as if he had a point to make, how often we've actually had sex in the new house. The answer of course is not a lot. And I just snapped and told him to count how many lie ins he's had in the new house (nearly every weekend morning, many during the week when he was furloughed), then count how many I've had (fewer than five in a year and a half) and see if he can work out the answer from that.

I don't want to read too much into your situation with your child (and I'm sorry if this is presumptuous) but as I'm preparing myself for the possibility of an ASD diagnosis for my son (no idea of how likely this is yet) I am looking at my partner differently too. I wonder if some of this jaw dropping lack of empathy is actually undiagnosed ASD and if I understood his thought processes better maybe I'd at least be able to put them into some sort of context and communicate with him differently - more effectively - and have my feelings hurt less often.

Apologies for reading so much into your posts, but I feel everything you're saying. Hang in there and try to breath (as I tell myself the same thing)