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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend’s behaviour

53 replies

Zig27 · 20/06/2021 10:15

I only noticed recently that a woman who is in our friendship group that her WhatsApp status and last time seen are no longer visible. She does post in our WhatsApp group. I assume that means I’m not in her contacts.

I have always regarded her more as an acquaintance but have not made that obvious. This was due to the fact that as she was desperate for a man and soon as she met her now husband she dropped everyone and the group drifted apart. We used to go for weekends away and to the pub but when her husband came along that all ceased.

We now only all meet twice a year for a ‘catch up’. I have found the friendship group pretty pointless, catching up about someone’s life you are not part of. It’s not like we go for meals, walks or weekends away anymore like her pre-husband days.

If we do hear off her it’s only about photos of her children. I have nothing against the children and think they are sweet but she is just attention seeking and only focused on herself. I like to hear other people’s news but share my news too.

I just can’t understand what the annual/twice a year meetings are for, for people who are now aquaintances.

OP posts:

SheepyLamb2 · 20/06/2021 11:35

Do you try to make it more than casual??

flyingant · 20/06/2021 11:53

It's perfectly normal to turn your status updates and last seen off.

It's also normal for some friends to see each other infrequently.

Are you and the others in the friendship group still meeting up regularly? If not, why not? Just because of this one person?

FunMcCool · 20/06/2021 11:55

This is such a strange thread

LonginesPrime · 20/06/2021 12:02

I just feel it’s not nice to be used and discarded just because a friend has met someone

Of course it's upsetting when you realise a friendship didn't mean as much to the other person - I'm sure many of us have been there (probably on both sides of it too) - I know I have!

It's hurtful but since she's stepped back from lots of people and not just you, it doesn't sound like it's personal. That's just how she rolls, so I wouldn't put too much thought into trying to figure out her mindset or anything.

My advice would be to focus on widening your social circle and putting energy into friendships that you do think are worth the effort instead - you can bet your life she's not losing any sleep over you, so why give her any more time and energy than you already have?

BlueSurfer · 20/06/2021 12:11

It’s fairly standard for a lot of people not to show their status and last seen in WhatsApp. It’s in the settings and has nothing to do with being contacts or not. It’s particularly useful if you have a work WhatsApp and don’t want to feel pressured by colleagues knowing you have been online when it’s your time off work.

I do agree you don’t sound like you like her or the meetings, so why are you bothering with them?

Frauhubert · 20/06/2021 12:18

Casual friendships can be nice- it’s a nice way to be social, meet up for coffee, drinks, get out of the house, dress nicely, have a pleasant afternoon in a different place without the ‘baggage’ of real& close friendship. I like casual meet-ups, but if you don’t then by all means knock it on the head.

TooBigForMyBoots · 20/06/2021 12:25

How long ago did she meet her husband?

MilduraS · 20/06/2021 12:41

I changed my settings so people couldn't see my "last seen" time. It was actually because my boss kept sending messages out of hours and I wanted to leave them unread without her whinging that she knew I'd been online since. I couldn't change the setting just for her, it had to be all my contacts. She's actually calmed down now but I've kept it as it is because I'm used to it.

sonjadog · 20/06/2021 12:45

It is very common and normal for people to have less time for friends when they get involved in romantic relationships. The day still has the same number of hours and when you are dating someone they are going to take up a lot of those hours so there is less for other activities. She didn't cut you off completely, that would be a bad thing to do, but she just saw you all less.

Friendships don't all have to be close and intense to be real. Friendships can also be an easy-going, meeting up occasionally for a night out kind of thing. Both types are okay. If you don't want an easy-going non-intense friendship then that is up to you, but she isn't doing anything wrong by only wanting that either.

SallyCinnabon · 20/06/2021 12:48

I have my online status hidden and have disabled the blue tick feature, doesn’t mean I’m a bad friend I just hate the ‘you’re online why haven’t you responded to the message I sent an hour ago’ because I was walking up a hill … 😕

Original poster

Zig27 · 20/06/2021 12:50

@TooBigForMyBoots

How long ago did she meet her husband?

She met him in 2014. It’s just sad because she gave up her hobbies for him and everything. She said she watches what he wants though she said doesn’t like it.

OP posts:

Orf1abc · 20/06/2021 13:00

Why are you so invested in someone that you only consider an acquaintance?

As others have said, it's perfectly normal to not have your status etc showing to anyone on WA.

Peach01 · 20/06/2021 13:00

She met him in 2014. It’s just sad because she gave up her hobbies for him and everything. She said she watches what he wants though she said doesn’t like it.

Has she expressed sadness over this? Did she give them up for him or has her life changed because she has a family? It's hard fitting in hobbies.
She watches things she doesn't like on TV because he wants to?

Do you not approve of her relationship or is it because you've grown more distant? 2014 was a long time ago.
From my own perspective, I was in touch with acquaintances more before having a family. The friendships that stuck were the ones with close I've always been closer to.

Peach01 · 20/06/2021 13:01

Excuse the typos

LonginesPrime · 20/06/2021 13:15

It’s just sad because she gave up her hobbies for him and everything. She said she watches what he wants though she said doesn’t like it

Can you make room for the possibility that her hobbies have taken a back seat because she's now got children? Having children inevitably changes one's lifestyle.

It just sounds like her priorities have changed - it doesn't sound like she's done anything wrong.

And really wouldn't worry about what she's watching on TV - if she doesn't like it, that's her problem to deal with!

It sounds a bit like you think she's being held against her will!

LemonFantaGin · 20/06/2021 14:11

You have a lot to say about someone you only consider an acquaintance.

Its very very normal to move on in life and only meet a few times a year.

Also very normal to turn of whats app status/visibility.

I gave up stuff for my marriage, my husband did too, he watches tv, I rarely do and don't always like what he watches, I don't understand where your going with that.

If you truly feel that uour wasting your time, then its time for you to remove yourself from tbe friendship group and move on.

PixieKitten · 20/06/2021 14:22

My info is all private on WhatsApp. I only really use WhatsApp to send photos as they're free

Other than that it's a stalking app hence I've turned off all of the stalker bits

Stichintime · 20/06/2021 14:34

Sorry OP, I'm a bit baffled by this. I understand it hurts but it's really time to move on. Have a break from WhatsApp etc and concentrate on self care for a while.

ClareWilsonNS · 20/06/2021 14:52

Hang on - you say all the group have reduced the frequency of the meetings, and you're blaming this on her having less time for you all. Did she used to be the main organiser of the meet-ups? Why don't you suggest some meet-ups more frequently yourself - if that's what you want?

It is very normal for people to have less time for meeting their friends if they have young children.

BackforGood · 20/06/2021 15:34

I just feel it’s not nice to be used and discarded just because a friend has met someone. She did this to a lot of people. Why waste time with people who only see you as a casual acquaintance when you could be investing in true friendships.

This is such an odd way to look at things. No wonder there are so many posts on here talking about not having any friends.

It is 100% normal for friendships to shift and alter as lives move on.
I'm not sure what it is you consider strange about keeping in touch with people whose lives have drifted away slightly

Now my dc have grown up and it is easy for us all to be able to go out without getting babysitters etc, I am enjoying lots of socialising with people who I wasn't in close, regular contact with when the dc were little, because there just wasn't time, but with whom we have picked up those friendships again when the time is now back. At no point does a friend being busy with a new part of their life mean they have previously been 'using' me, it means a friendship is just moving into a different phase.

For me it is nice to keep in touch with people - even once a year - with news. I think you have a very odd attitude to friendship.

bargelights · 20/06/2021 15:39

You have always regarded her as an acquaintance but you are offended that she might feel the same way about you?

zingally · 20/06/2021 15:45

If she thinks of you with the clear distain you clearly think towards her...

I'm not surprised she's not active with the group any more!

Original poster

Zig27 · 20/06/2021 15:47

@bargelights

You have always regarded her as an acquaintance but you are offended that she might feel the same way about you?

No, this is where most people have got it wrong. I only regarded her as an acquaintance much later on. She dropped us all after 3 dates when she first met her husband.

I just find it pointless saying "what you been up to?" when we haven't been on holiday or anything in 7 years.

OP posts:

Minky12 · 20/06/2021 15:59

Her priorities may have changed doesnt mean she doesn't care? Best thing is not to overthink it...ask to meet up for a coffee and have it out! You obviously want to be closer to her...(judging by this long thread)

Peach01 · 20/06/2021 16:05

She dropped us all after 3 dates when she first met her husband.
Back in 2014? That was 7 years ago. You said back then you never made it obvious that you thought of her as more than an acquaintance.

I just find it pointless saying "what you been up to?" when we haven't been on holiday or anything in 7 years.
Why is it pointless to get in touch? If you want a relationship with someone you need to get in touch. A holiday shouldn't be a requirement to speak to someone.

I'm struggling to see what the issue is. On one hand you feel it's pointless and seems you can't really be bothered but on the other hand it seems she's at fault for mirroring this? Or her relationship is. I don't know if you think she's chose her relationship over her acquaintances or if you think her husband has controlled her into backing off?

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